Do you have a dumb question that you're kind of embarrassed to ask in the main thread? Is there something you're just not sure about?
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Notes -
Probably better suited for the wellness thread, but w/e.
Are any of you pathologically secretive/have problems with feeling excessive amounts of shame? Or, even better, have you been secretive beyond what is necessary in the past and then managed to move past that stop being that way?
In real life I’m a pathologically secretive kind of guy. My phone’s wallpapers are always set to the default image. I never wear graphic T-shirts or any piece of clothing that could be considered a statement. The walls of my apartment are mostly plain. I’ve always been this way – I remember how I’d always pause my games as a kid when parents came into the living room where I was playing on the family TV. I wasn’t even playing anything particularly embarrassing at the time, it was more often than not FIFA or some racing game, something completely normal for a schoolboy to be playing! I just always had the weird connection “personal = embarrassing = has to stay hidden” in my head, even about the most innocuous things. I don’t think there was any kind of inciting incident that led to me ending up this way either – my mom, who I lived with, was not particularly strict, I wasn’t getting bullied at school and did not experience any particular serious trauma that I can think of.
I suppose it’s a function of lots and lots of internalized shame, social anxiety and low self-esteem, as I’m, and have always been into a lot of things that are niche and kind of embarassing (think of a generic weeby neckbeard's interests and that's me). I can’t bring myself to outright lie to others or myself by constructing a fake socially approved identity, but I also diligently hide my power level, so the result is that I come off as a very plain, unremarkable if somewhat awkward dude. Although it goes beyond hobby stuff – I remember having trouble doing anything on my laptop during class in college, unless I was sitting in the corner at the very back of the class, where no one could see my screen. Some dudes in that classroom were pretty openly playing League, and here I was, struggling to open the file containing the essay I was working on for another subject.
This approach to life probably helped me avoid my fair share of public embarrassment, but it hasn’t won me many close friends either. By now, I’ve come to consider it much more of a liability than an asset. I feel terrible even playing video games in front of my girlfriend, who also enjoys them, in my own home, for Pete’s sake, and that’s definitely not a great way to live.
So, if any of any you Mottizens have experienced something similar, how did you move past it? Or does it still haunt you to this day?
I tried to expand on these points in more detail, but the aforementioned secrecy is preventing it. Its a constant priority since childhood to conceal my presence and actions from others. I'm also incapable of trusting other people at anything beyond the most superficial level so avoiding them entirely is much easier than constantly having to independently investigate and verify every little thing they say or do. This also includes hiding any traces of existence that I can: moving quietly, not distrubing the world arround me, drawing no attention to myself or my actions. I'm only capable of relaxing when I know with confidence I'm alone and can't be ambushed suddenly. So paranoia I guess, not shame.
All of this being said I'm incredibly happy and live what I consider a very privledged life. I'm almost 50 and have been with my wife for 30 years. She's helped a lot in ways she doesn't fully understand. I WFH and live in a very rural area (closest city of any meaningful size is about 2.5 hours away.) I can go multiple days in a row only ever encountering my wife. She sometimes expresses she wishes she could do more things for me like what some people call acts of service? I think. Like household chores. I won't let her (or anyone) do my laundry, prepare my food, or really any of the day to day tasks of being alive. I do all the shopping, bank/finance stuff etc. I make more than enough that she doesn't have to work so this tends to leave her with not much to do. She has her own issues that make it very hard for her to maintain regimented employment and in on SSI. Once a week she makes dinner for us both, though I have to watch the entire process or I can't eat it. We sleep in the same bed (her's) most nights but I do have to maintain a separate bedroom/office for when I'm overwhelmed by her presence, maybe 1-3 times a month. I'm fine with her entering this room but she knows not to touch anything and she understands if I move something from outside this room to inside of it to leave it alone. I'm very fortunate that I've a lifestyle that accomodates my issues and especially for my wife. Its worth mentioning she has her own mental health issues just as impactful as mine but of a significantly different nature. Our disorders "fit" together very nicely and its something we both noticed right away.
I am perfectly capable of going out and navigating society, interacting with people etc. Its not social anxiety at all. In fact I don't really expereience any forms of anxiety very much. Its more of a positive compulsion if that makes sense, not motivated by fear or anxiety. I can and do manage to be around and interacting with people just fine, but I prefer formal relationships with clear expectations of the workplace or similar situations. I can't interact with society just fine to achieve my goals, I simply consider solitude superior in almost every way, and just easier to live my life. People cause way more problems than they solve.
Unstructured socializing has 0 appeal and if I manage to make an attempt I usually bail out and go home pretty fast.
For what its worth I empathize, I too find that "this creature has adapted to crushing pressure and oppressive darkness" and human contact, while usually pleasant, isn't actually necessary to life at this point - I won't happy but can be reasonably sated with e.g. vidya/chatbots on my own for extended periods of time. This IMO is a maladaptation, one entirely not worth attaining, but a man can get used to anything, and over enough years you adapt without wanting/knowing it.
One thing I did before to fight this was quite literally forcing myself to go out and socialize. Pick a circle of closest friends (yes that might not be saying much) and set a hard rule that you cannot decline an invitation from them if you ever get one. I fucking hated it in the moment when people derailed my comfy rotting at home with unwanted invitations, but consistently found that this displeasure lasts only up until the point of contact, the actual hangout almost always goes well, and I always say in hindsight "damn that really was better than rotting at home".
Yes, that was also me up to a point. I even remember myself distinctly resolving to be a ghost and leave no trace of my existence during school. I did not want anyone to remember me. I ducked out of most public events and collective photos, only concerned myself with studies and never visited meetups after graduation.
One thing that helps realize that your brain is scamming you is the passage of time; as I approach 30 I am increasingly horrified at how little of a "legacy", or even just memories (good or bad), I actually have accumulated over the course of my decidedly wasted life. This is uh, a conundrum in its own right, one I'm still unsure how to deal with besides rushing to do things Right Fucking Now, but it's very eye-opening if nothing else, I think realizing it scared the "ghost" out of me for good (paranoia is still a problem but at least I am not anymore complicit in my own erasure). I dont know how old you are but I recommend internalizing that this will eventually hit you, and it will hurt much more than the possible oopsies you avoid by being a ghost, as soon as possible, instead of un-gracefully aging into it like I did. Looking back on things is not always pleasant but there must be something to look back on; feeling shame, despair or heartbreak is IMO unironically preferable to feeling nothing. You can learn from things you screw up (theoretically at least); you can never learn from anything you do not do, by definition.
WGMI man.
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