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PaperclipPerfector
1d ago
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Be advised: this thread is not for serious in-depth discussion of weighty topics (we have a link for that), this thread is not for anything Culture War related. This thread is for Fun. You got jokes? Share 'em. You got silly questions? Ask 'em.
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Maybe better suited for Wellness Wednesday, but had a key realization about myself this morning. Went on a date with a med student Wednesday that I was not all that enthused about, despite her ticking all the on paper boxes. I was talking about this to my roommate, and he pointed out that there's no obligation for me to go another date with this person, and I fired back that I need to give people more of a chance if I want to get married and raise a family. He then replied that it doesn't seem like I'm actually deeply interested in that right now. And I think he's right: I like my life, my friends, my activities and independence, and having a partner and a family would compromise most of that. I only feel like I want those things because I feel pressure from my parents and from society (and weddings and the like) to not be single. I don't actually want to be in a relationship, at least not just to be in one.
I've done a lot of bitching and moaning about dating on this forum, and I think this morning I realized that the main problem actually comes from within me. I'm not actually very interested in dating for datings sake, and the only reason I pursue these things is because of pressure from society, and people telling me I need to be in a long-term relationship before I'm 30-35 or I'm completely cooked. Of course I'm not going to have success because in my heart of hearts I don't actually want it.
You might be weird like me. I dated a handful of women in my 20s, but the longest lasted a couple weeks. I was mostly a loner. Then I met my now-wife at church at 33 years old and got married about a year later.
You don't need 'practice' being in a relationship. I'd argue the opposite - most people just develop bad habits and baggage. When you're in the right place to seek marriage and family, be intentional about it and follow good advice and you'll probably be fine.
They very much do this when alone as well. As one example that may be familiar: A close friend of mine, very good-hearted guy, strong, good job--a career even--not bad-looking, has his own home.
His home is a disaster area of man-cave, nothing aesthetic about it. Computers, screens, junk everywhere, I would barely tolerate standing in it for more than a few moments without the overwhelming urge to straighten it up or throw things out. Yet he lives there, seemingly perfectly satisfied. A man alone soon mistakes his condition for order. A
MissMr. Havisham. A willful isolation that has allowed (what I would consider) distortion to ossify into reality. At least he does do his laundry. To see him out in the world you'd never know that his living space is a pigpen.This is the reason to seek out others, even a female friend, and spend time with them. Not all the time, and not if it unduly causes stress, but certainly past the comfort level or homeostasis of perpetual (online) solitude. Have people over. People give you a better mirror than the ones made of glass.
Reminds me of myself as a younger man--I always thought I was interesting, kind, honest, caring, funny even. Yet I spent quite a lot of my time alone. And how do we know, if we are always alone, anything about ourselves? I could write a lot about this but I'm not going to sit and pontificate here; this is just my view.
You can‘t really live your life in expectation, it‘s exhausting. Think of all the men who make themselves presentable, go out, and carry an „emergency condom“, that never gets used. Those hours grooming, and cleaning up their rooms, have terrible ROI. I also weep for the nofappers, who forgo hundreds of orgasms in the hope of maybe one. That math cannot compute.
It‘s one thing to make an effort when you know someone‘s coming; it‘s another to do it for the remote chance that someone might be coming – purely for the sake of the panopticon, for the unseen seer, the social conscience. You don‘t want to be one of those people who could never take a sabbatical because they‘re afraid of a hypothetical HR guy asking them what this hole in the CV was. And what's the point of being alone if you can't let a sock rest on the floor once in a while?
That said, when I spend a few months barely talking to anyone, I talk to myself more often. That‘s perfectly fine of course, balance is maintained. The problem is, I start doing it in the presence of others who are currently talking to me. While they tell me their day or vacation, I mutter to myself about something else, because I have lost my tolerance for social boredom. Which isn‘t fine; considered by fellow humans as neither friendly nor sane behaviour. But maybe they're being social-normative, and I'm actually giving them valuable feedback on their skill as a raconteur.
Your comment is a reasonable reply to what I wrote, but my intention was not to suggest that cleaning one's house (a whole house, in the case I was referring to) is to be done necessarily for the sake of would-be callers, but because of personal pride. Like, have a little self-respect. But I'm often intolerably judgmental to my friends, who very kindly tolerate what must seem like my routinely condescending views.
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