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Thank you. I'm glad to hear from someone who's lived through this themselves and come out intact.
I can't really compare cultural conditions in Malaysia to my part of India, but my brother is close to being maximally lucky in terms of what he can expect in these parts. Maybe he'd be even better off if our parents were left leaning academics, but then he'd be poorer too, so it's a wash.
The thing is, my brother was never particularly involved in the local gay community. He doesn't consider his sexuality core to his identity, he's not an activist. His close friends are mostly straight, and the women he hangs out with don't see him as a gay best friend (even if he can be catty on occasion, and so can I). I don't think he specifically wants to immerse himself in the LGBT community, he just wants to be accepted as a normal dude who just happens to prefer sleeping with and loving other men.
He passes for straight even on scrutiny from his closest family and most of his friends, albeit with some suspicion. I do think that he might benefit from moving somewhere more liberal, but there are very good arguments for staying. He was never as dead set on fleeing the country as I was. Ultimately, it's up to him and I'll help figure out how to make it work.
I wouldn't go that far, honestly. India isn't Uganda or Saudi Arabia. He could probably cohabit with another man and dodge questions indefinitely, unless he publicly declares that he's married to a man and starts making out in public. Even then, I think he could get away with not much greater risk to life and limb. My mom joked that if he ends up a gynecologist, then there'll be plenty of women seeking him out because he's gay. There's a kernel of truth there.
You can go to high end clubs and see clearly flamboyant gay or trans people, and it's not a problem. There are practicing doctors who are out as gay (or make zero effort to hide it) and they do fine.
I see no real reason to tell our extended family either, I think it's fine with him if just me and our parents know. If he was genuinely asexual, then the same questions would arise, and we know he's already very discreet. I don't think he wants the fuss of a public marriage, and everything else can probably be shoved under a suitably robust rug.
Thank you. He really doesn't want me to walk on eggshells around him, or to treat him any differently. I don't intend to. If I say that something is "hella gay", then I am not claiming that homosexuality is inherently bad, anymore than when I say "Jesus" out of incredulity implies that I'm a Christian (quite the opposite). I never had any malice in it in the first place. If he did object - while I'm a free speech advocate, I am perfectly happy to adjust my vocabulary depending on context, fortunately that's not necessary.
Same here; I come from a relatively liberal, atheistic family, though the same thing could not necessarily be said about the extended family. My immediate family have basically agreed it's a good idea not to tell them lest they Actually Die.
It's good he has supportive people like you helping him along.
It has less to do with life and limb (I didn't perceive that as anything other than a remote risk) and more to do with my uncertainty about how sustainable the situation really was in the long run; for example whether the extended family would ever seriously pressure him to get a wife and child or something similar. Extricating yourself from pointed questions about that is a bit more difficult when you regularly see them, and there's less of an excuse to not show proof of whatever you lie to them about. Admittedly this was also based on a bunch of stereotypes about the extremely close-knit and privacyless nature of Indian extended families which I imagined would have made it harder. Or maybe that's just representative of the type of Indian who chooses to migrate to Malaysia.
But if the family situation is such that you can indefinitely deflect it and get away with not telling your extended family anything, then yes, ignore that part of the comment; the calculus changes significantly. Though the ban on commercial surrogacy is definitely still a consideration.
I think this is one of these attitudes that's very common among gay people who don't centre their identity around being gay or relish using it as a social bludgeon against others, the type that doesn't care about being an Activist and mainly wants to live undisturbed as you've stated your brother does. The converse is depressingly common in some circles though - I was once in a friend group with a "non-binary" woman who compulsively engaged in such tactics to police people's behaviour, and it took a herculean effort for me to contain my disgust. I find myself so estranged from these people, it's almost as if I'm looking at a different species entirely.
Your intuitions aren't wrong, per se, but India is a big country, with many different kinds of Indians! For example, if my brother had been born to a few of my paternal uncles, he might not have ever come out until his immediate family had died of old age.
The more conservative parts of our family are not that conservative by Indian standards. Enough to make us worry for the sake of our parents, but not ourselves. He's not going to be shunned or attacked, but our parents might face pointed critique or thinly veiled criticism. My dad is more old-fashioned than my mom, and he might internalize it and agonize over if he raised us right or if this is somehow his fault. I stress that he's never said or done anything actually homophobic, and he would probably get around to it eventually. It would just hurt him a lot.
It helps that our extended family doesn't live with us, or next door for the most part. We aren't very close to our dad's side anyway, we'd lose little if we had to cut them off or be cut off. Unfortunately, can't say the same about how my dad would feel, such ostracism would hurt to the core. I don't think it's likely, but I think there's a non-negligible chance of it. His older siblings raised him after his dad died, and he has tried to return the favor ever since, well past what I would personally deem reasonable. Let's just say we would significantly more wealthy if he had been more selfish and hadn't put half my cousins through college and uni.
Right, I did say that I'm perfectly happy to hang around with LGBT people, but I draw the line with the "queers" or "Enbies". Call me cynical, but the majority are just ornery and attention-seeking straight women in denial. This caused plenty of conflict with an ex of mine, but I don't care. If you are functionally indistinguishable from a straight person and only sleep with straight men, my charity wears thin (barring the terribly dyed hair and baggy clothes, which does not constitute a distinct sexuality).
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