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I've been thinking a lot about this in a BJJ context, because I've been trying to decide if my habit of self-mocking is obnoxious or not. I'm generally down on myself, I'm a middle aged white belt, and a particularly ungraceful one at that. So I tend to lose more than I win when I go against people who have more experience. But every now and then I catch something, and I nearly always blurt out something self-denigrating, like "oh you let me get away with that one" or "you just got bored of sitting in my half guard so you let me sweep" or "guess you let me work a little too long" or "even a blind squirrel finds a nut sometimes" after I tap someone.
And this is reflexive on my part, not thought out. I don't hit a kimura trap sweep and think consciously "I should apologize;" I just blurt it out because it's obvious that I only got lucky or I only got it because he let me get it, I want him to know that I don't think I'm better than him and that he doesn't have to make a point of getting me back. And I want him to know that I respect him because I don't want him ripping a sub on me or hitting me with a twister or something.
BJJ functions that way because not only can someone hurt you, there's so much trust involved in them not hurting you. But it's far from perfect, there's always dicks who roll like they have a chip on their shoulder. I've found I can't really roll with the teenage competitive kids at this point, because it's vinegar and baking soda: I don't want to lose to a skinny young whelp, they don't want to lose to a fat old man. We both take things too far and I end up getting hurt.
There's another little guy, about my age, who constantly rips dirty subs, and I don't roll with him much, or when I do I really focus on not giving him any space to breathe and play super conservative. And if he wasn't so aggressive, I'd let a guy like that work, I'd focus on working new things and on good technique and on not using my weight advantage too much, but he's so close to snapping one of my knee ligaments that I just suffocate him and no one has any fun because I'm not gonna give him any chances.
And that's the nature of things that so many people don't consider: mutual respect isn't about who will win the fight, it's about recognizing that in the immortal words of Patrick Swayze "nobody ever won a fight." Even if you know you can win, you can still get hurt in the process (like Tyr losing his hand), or the underdog can get lucky (like Pierre shooting Dolokhov in their duel). The threat of violence is costly for all involved, even the winners.
Bingo.
And for many I've noticed that realization doesn't kick in until their first big injury. Hopefully not a permanent one. Young dudes have that innate sense of invulnerability, and they bounce back from minor issues so quickly that the idea that they're one bad fall or headkick away from brain damage or at least an emergency room visit.
I have been insanely blessed to have been doing it as long as I have without being sidelined by a serious injury, but that would be because I've been very cognizant of that possibility, and I train accordingly. I have "let" guys with less experience than me win simply to avoid a situation where one of us would probably get hurt, or to not escalate the intensity to unsafe levels. Most of the time they simply don't have the knowledge to realize how easily they can get hurt. On rarer occasions they lack the self control to rein it in where needed.
Likewise, the worst injuries I've doled out are broken noses. I felt HORRIBLE about that in both cases, but in the grand scheme those are easily recoverable.
On the meta level this means finding a gym that selects for high conscientiousness.
I love the result of this typo being the trailing off "I've never suffered brain damage or...anyway..."
So much of it comes down to pride, and lack of communication which is mostly downstream from pride. When I get hurt, it's always ego standing in the way of just saying "Yeah I can't do that" or "Yeah I'm just going to tap here, not from a sub but because my leg is in a weird spot." The problem is removing ego from losing, while still drawing motivation from winning.
I know you're far deeper into it than I am, and it's a different ruleset, but for me my BJJ started to get a lot better when I realized that I didn't want to hurt my partner, and just removed all the moves I deem "too dangerous" or "rude" from my repertoire. I don't do heel hooks, I don't do throat posts, I don't do neck cranks, I don't do anything flying or rolling, I don't slam anybody. I stick to slow, even, cautious application of basics. I give my opponents tons of time to tap because I have the sub sunk. This works so much better for me, because when I try something risky, I double clutch trying to make sure not to hurt my opponent, and then I lose the whole thing. I never get a heel hook because I'm trying to do it too slow. Where a straight ankle, I'm confident my opponent is going to tap to discomfort before they break anything important. I never manage to finish wrestling shots live, because I'm worrying about not slamming my opponent and then I lose it, but I can do slide-bys or arm drags all day. I never finish guillotines with a guard pull, but I can use the position to take the back.
I'm hoping to one day reach a level of confidence where I can reintegrate some of that into my game. I still drill it, but letting go of it live and focusing on things I'm confident in really improved my rolls.
Same. The two big realizations that I try to instill in students regarding intensity:
You learn much faster when its "playful" than if its aggressive as if both parties are fighting for their life. The stress response actually inhibits your recall and interrupts the ideal 'flow state' for learning.
Getting injured means you can't train. The cost isn't just the injury itself, its the weeks or months you aren't able to work on your technique. You have so little to gain from going all out (in practice), why could it possibly be worth it?
I've got a whole bag of tricks that I only pull out if I'm sparring someone of equal experience, or an opportunity to use one safely is just blatantly presented to me.
Otherwise, I spend about 1/4 of my attention defensively watching out for wild, unexpected moves from the partner since I'm the one who'll get injured if I eat an errant spinning backfist or an unintentional elbow.
Its like they say, a white belt is arguably more dangerous than someone with moderate training since their lack of experience means they throw stuff wildly and without regard for either their or your safety, and they won't even know why something is unsafe, much less how to control it.
Likewise with the newbies, if I can get to a position where I COULD do something that would absolutely wreck their day, I'll 'symbolically' perform the motion to initiate it, but usually just give them the opportunity to escape. And they won't realize how bad their position was had I been intending to do them harm. Big one I do try to point out is people who turn away from a roundhouse kick and present their back. I usually give them a little tap with my foot and then explicitly call attention to the fact that taking a hard kick to the spine or tailbone is both painful and dangerous.
Reflexive modesty is a better habit than bragadoccio, methinks. The guy who rubs it in is more likely to get embarrassingly humbled. Still, be willing to have confidence in your abilities.
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