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PaperclipPerfector
1d ago
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Be advised: this thread is not for serious in-depth discussion of weighty topics (we have a link for that), this thread is not for anything Culture War related. This thread is for Fun. You got jokes? Share 'em. You got silly questions? Ask 'em.
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Notes -
Mild mid-life crisis, or: orthoxerox's journey into the world of perfume
(paging @Closedshop, since he was wondering what I ended up with)
Intro
So, before Lent I kinda got into fragrances. Not completely off the deep end, but it was an interesting journey and relatively inexpensive, would recommend. Whenever my wife tried to complain, I would remind her that at least it wasn't motorbikes or women half my age. Here's how you do it.
To start, you need some vague idea of what you like, or rather, what you don't like: maybe you hate patchouli, maybe you hate lavender. Then you need a perfume shop. Don't worry, you're not buying anything there yet. Go there, catch the attention of an assistant and tell her (unless it's Sephora, where @2rafa says it might be a gay guy instead) what you like and don't like. Follow her and carefully smell the blotter strips she's handing to you. Or pick up the tester bottles yourself, who needs assistants in 2026? Don't buy anything yet.
What you need from this exercise is two things: a list of fragrances you didn't like and a list of fragrances you liked. Ideally with some extra notes explaining why. Armed with this list, you should go to fragrantica.com. It's the biggest website about perfume, and what you need is to look up every single fragrance you remembered and read about their notes.
Notes are what a fragrance smells like. Since scents are very complex qualia, there's simply no other way to describe one other than to liken it to another known scent. Sad but true. Try to map your memories from the shop to the notes. It's not always easy, but hopefully you should be able to map your impressions at least to specific groups of notes: floral, citrus, herbal, woody, etc.
Great, now you have the list of notes you like, the list of notes you hate in addition to the list of fragrances. Fragrantica frustratingly has a bunch of completely different search engines: one for notes, one for similar fragrances, one for accords (which is almost useless), one generic engine and "this fragrance reminds me of" sections inside their catalog. You're going to use all of them and expand your list of potential fragrances to, say, a dozen. Or two. But start with a dozen.
Two words of advice: there are probably hundreds of obscure brands and Fragrantica doesn't always let you filter them out, so try to stick to those basic bitch bottles that have hundreds of reviews. Some of them might be discontinued, which might be a problem if you like it a lot. Also, don't be afraid to try new stuff at this stage. If something isn't a firm "no", add it to the longlist even if you don't know what musk or amber are.
Armed with this list, go to any large website that sells perfume samples. Also known as decants, they are a moneysaver. Go and order your first set of samples from them, that should cost you $20-$50, pick the smallest tester bottle size they offer. While your samples are in transit, go find some good unscented soap. Or some soap with a harsh scent. You'll need it to wash stuff off, because you're going to get something vile in your batch.
Finally, your shipment arrives and it's time to start testing. If you have a partner, rope in him or her, because everyone's nose is different. This is especially important with modern fragrances.
A digression: you know about molecular gastronomy? When the chef says something like "roasted garlic shares certain flavor compounds with vanilla, so we put some roasted garlic in your vanilla ice cream to supercharge the taste of both"? Well, perfumery is 100% this. What the chefs haven't done yet, since, much to their chagrin, they still have to serve you edible food, is to isolate this specific substance that is shared between garlic and vanilla and infuse a slab of tofu with it (or at least I hope they haven't). But the people designing fragrances have. Modern compositions often include synthetic ingredients like Garilla(tm), which alone doesn't smell like garlic or vanilla, but somehow keeps reminding you of both of them. Or Schmarlick(tm), which smells like something almost, but not quite entirely unlike garlic.
And this simply doesn't work reliably. Human olfactory system is one big mess and has huge variability. Natural scents are very reliable, because human noses have evolved to identify them. Synthetic scents aren't. Vanillin smells like vanilla, but not exactly so, and when you go deeper, you start to run into problems: modern fragrances often smell differently to different people. That's why you need at least one other person to smell you.
Another digression: not only do different people perceive smells differently, but you yourself also perceive them differently:
I've had a bunch of tissue taken out of my nose in 2023, so my sense of smell isn't exactly what you would call refined. My wife has a much sharper nose that is much less compatible with modern fragrances. I also got my mum, who's a big fragrance nerd, to try some of the samples.
Here's the list of stuff I've tried, sorted into vague groups. Dollar signs show the approximate price group. The ratings are as follows:
The price ratings are approximate, and I didn't track the price of every possible bottle, but they go something like this:
The order is a bit weird, because it started out as chronological, but then I realized I had to categorize them. I tried to put "above" or "below" whenever I referenced another bottle, but I must've missed a few.
Basic man smells
This includes what I consider the broadest and most generic family of fragrances.
Citrus-herbal
A safe default. Starts with some kind of citrus, then adds some refreshing astringency or pungency, then reduces to a dry herbal/woody scent. Surprisingly, there's no fancy name for this family of fragrances.
Gypsy Water by Byredo, 0, $$$. I liked it in the store on a tester strip, but on my skin it didn't smell like anything. In the store I got a whiff of black pepper. On me it's a generic woody smell that you really get only if you lean in. Which is not a bad thing, especially for office wear.
Wife: very impressed.
Escentric 03 by Escentric, +1, $$. Escentric Molecules is a modernist shop your mother warned you about when she steered you toward natural scents. They sell "Molecule" fragrances that are just a single synthetic compound in ethanol and "Escentric" fragrances that build a more traditional composition around it. 03 is synthetic vetiver, and to me this is a perfect fragrance in this category. The citrusy smell sticks around and blends well with the herbal/woody smell of vetiver. Doesn't last long enough, but eh.
Wife: not impressed, thinks the smell is synthetic.
Grey Vetiver by Tom Ford, 0, $$$. Very weak top notes, barely any citrus. Vetiver is very mild, mixed with a sweet woody aroma. Overall effect similar to Gypsy Water. Good, but not woah.
Wife: very impressed, probably her favorite. Might have to get some of it to keep her happy.
Escentric 05 by Escentric Molecules, -1. Bergamot, juniper, rosemary, cypress, what's not to like? Except there's nothing resembling this in it. It smells more like a vaguely citrusy-fruity anti-static spray.
Wife: "Why did you buy so many bad ones?"
Mum: Not impressed either.
Opus 1870 by Penhaligon's, +2, $$$. From my wife's stock (technically, it was a present to me that she hoarded). It's interesting because it subverts the usual structure: the opening is much more peppery than citrusy, and the base notes are more woody than herbal. The overall effect is that you literally smell like salt and pepper. Great office workhorse.
Wife: "It's great, you have a bottle of it, stop buying all these samples."
Terre d'Hermes by Hermes, 0. A classic. Compared to Escentric 03, it's more structured (that is, the smell changes as time goes on) and longer-lasting. However, the citrus smell in the beginning is too sweet for me.
Wife: "Your citrus fragrances are all the same to me."
Mum: liked it.
Terre d'Hermes Intense Vetiver by Hermes, 0. This is Escentric 03, but dialed up. I thought this was my new "basic smell" when I tried it, but I have to learn to calibrate it. Unlike in the main TdH, the citrus here is tart, which is more to my liking, but it's rather strong. Sometimes it felt like I was sucking on a sour throat lozenge. The vetiver can also be overpowering, veering into something vinegary.
Wife: "Your citrus fragrances are all the same to me."
Mum: didn't like how sour the citrus was.
Terre d'Hermes Eau Givree by Hermes, +2, $$. This one is a great summer fragrance, in my opinion: the citrus is tart, but not dominant, and the base notes are very gentle and fresh. The overall effect is not sun-baked, but breezy. A crowd pleaser for sure.
Wife: "Oh, you should keep this one."
Vetiver by Guerlain, 0, 9300. Supposed to be the ultimate boss of this category. I might have to revisit it, because, like the two Chanel fragrances, I cannot smell it. Maybe I wore out my nose.
After a break, I tried it again and still found it underwhelming. I only get a whiff of the same oily smell that dominates the Etro's composition (see below).
Wife: okay?
The Beat by Burberry, +1, $$$. Smells a lot like Opus 1870 to me. It has the same peppery opening, but the base is more aromatic, so the overall impression is a bit bolder. Pity it's discontinued, though.
Wife: hated it, found it overwhelmingly sweet.
Mum: loved it so much she huffed the tester bottle dry.
Woody stuff
Foregoes any citrus, just herbs and woods. Generally a more wintery thing.
Encre Noire by Lalique, +2, $. A very strong and straightforward fragrance, I wouldn't wear it to the office. The smell is very warm and dry with just a tiny hint of oiliness. Can't really say what it smells like because it smells like itself. You can be sitting there thinking about something and then it just comes back. While it's not the most universal thing you can buy, it's so inexpensive it's a crime not to get a bottle.
Wife: "I had a feeling this one was going to be good."
Mum: "Yes, that's a good one."
Hero EdP by Burberry, -1. A sweet woody smell. I thought I would like it, but I found it too suffocating and giving me a mild headache after a while.
Wife: surprisingly okay with it.
Mum: thinks it's too cloying.
Vetiver by Etro, -2. From my wife's stock, golden cap (iykyk). Vetiver is one of these things that can have a very different smell, and this fragrance just smells like someone's been using unrefined sunflower oil for frying. Oily, roasted notes. Had to wash it off after ten minutes because I couldn't stand smelling like a line cook in a casual dining restaurant. It was super strong, though, and whatever persisted after I scrubbed by forearms with birch tar soap was rather nice.
Wife: "What the fuck is wrong with you, really? First you shit on Racquets, then on Incense and Myrrh, now on this?"
Ombre Noire by Lalique, +1, $. Smells like Encre Noire for Arabs, which it is. A pleasant scent for winter, less polarizing than its parent. Pity it was discontinued.
Wife: meh (despite loving both Encre Noire and incense, wtf!)
Bois Imperial by Essential Parfums, -1. From my mum's sample collection. Smells like wood soaked in vegetable oil. Not interesting at all.
Sycomore by Chanel, 0, $$$$. Supposed to be the king of the category, but I have two problems with it. One, it's very expensive and two, I can't smell it. Literally. I sprayed some on my forearm, got a few good notes and then, poof!, it was gone. I had to jam my wrist into my nose to get anything. Which is a big problem, because I like to smell whatever I have sprayed on me better than people around me. The composition is superb, though: a delicate combination of herbal and coniferous notes with no sharp angles.
Wife: smells it very well, likes it a lot.
Hero EdT by Burberry, +1, $. Unlike the EdP, it's more gentle and doesn't make my head hurt. It's still a gentle skin-level scent of cedar, but it's perfect if you're surrounded by sensitive noses. If you need a cheap office fragrance, it's this one.
Wife: can't tell if I have it on. Later noticed it and told me it was nice.
Blu Mediterraneo - Cipresso di Toscana by Acqua di Parma, 0, 13000. Very unusual fragrance. Like Encre Noire, it's super dry: practically no sweet or sour notes, it smells like Escentric 05 should have. Full of woody herbs and sun-baked cypress, it smells almost briny, like you're hiking across Italy in July, covered in sweat. I usually roll my eyes at people who post flowery descriptions of fragrances that transport them into a specific scene, but this one actually did.
Wife: didn't like it
The big Sycomore replacement hunt
After I realized that Sycomore smelled great, but I needed something stronger, I interrogated various LLMs to find possible alternatives. Here's what I ended up with:
Vetiver Extraordinaire by Frederic Malle, 0. Smells nice, but not as nice as Sycomore. It isn't stronger than it, either.
Vetiver Moloko by Ex Nihilo, -1. Just like Sycomore, it takes the edge off vetiver by making it sweeter, and in this case it smells like baked milk. It's not the worst combination, but I realized I like woody sweetness with my vetiver.
Wife: okay?
Mum: liked it, but as a feminine fragrance.
XXIV Carat Gold by Vertus, -1. Smells a lot like Cipresso di Toscana, almost briny. Gets better when this note finally wears off, not worth waiting for it.
Vetiver 46 by Le Labo, -2. To quote an alien admiral, it's a trap. Its base note is 100% incense. I am still confused by labdanum vs olibanum, but it's the kind of incense that smells like a green booger that you get after a sinus infection. And the smell just won't come off.
Sultan Vetiver by Nishane, -2. It smells like mothballs to me. That's it.
Cold and bitter
The previous batch uses "dry" base notes, this one uses "wet" notes. The top is usually more floral than citrusy.
More floral
Known as "fougere", IIRC.
English Fern by Penhaligon's, 0. From my wife's stock, old enough to contain natural oakmoss. The smell isn't bad, but nothing to write home about. Very traditional. Also, discontinued.
Wife: very impressed.
Beau de Jour by Tom Ford, -1. It's structured very traditionally, but it starts with a very strong blast of lavender. I hate strong floral smells, so I had to wash it off. It's one of the few fragrances in my experience that survived a scrubbing with tar soap, and the remaining scent was quite pleasant. Still, I could just use English Fern if I wanted this result.
Wife: Thought this one was good, but she likes lavender bombs.
Egoiste Platinum by Chanel, -1. I have no idea if it's Chanel or me, but I can't smell their fragrances. It's supposed to be a typical fougere, but it could've been vodka for all I know.
Wife: just like H24 below, this one really disgusted her. She stormed into the room and made me wash it off.
Mum: called it a fragrance so perfect it had no personality.
Fougere Royale by Houbigant, +1, $$$. The OG of this category, like a jacuzzi from Jacuzzi, even though it's a 2010 reformulation. The word that comes to mind is gentle. Or genteel, if you want. It's neither super floral or super bitter, but has a certain sweet soapy quality that masks both bitterness and floralness. Doesn't really attract the attention, which should make it a good office scent.
Wife: hated it, called it a soapy plum stench.
Mum: really liked it, huffed the whole tester bottle.
More citrusy
Known as "chypre", IIRC. Not my favorite style.
Racquets Formula by Penhaligon's, -2. From my wife's stock (technically, it was a present to me that she hoarded). I didn't get to the cold bitter notes, it smelled so strongly of citrus and flowers that it made me choke. I had to rush into the bathroom to get rid of it.
Wife: "What the fuck are you doing? Are you nuts, why are you washing it off? It's divine!"
Quercus by Penhaligon's, -1. From my mum's collection of testers. It's much more restrained than the fragrance above, but I just don't like the citrus-oakmoss mix. It's not bad per se, just not my cup of tea.
Just green herbs
H24 EdP by Hermes, 1. Not a typical fragrance from this family, because it's very forward with its wet notes. I liked the fresh bitterness, but couldn't really enjoy it fully.
Wife: hated, hated, hated it. She ran in from another room to demand that I wash it off literally a minute after I applied it.
Mum: I guess I inherited some of her olfactory bulbs, because she agreed it was a wonderful bitter fresh scent. I guess I'll save it for visiting my parents.
Grey Flannel by Geoffrey Beene, 2, $. An oldie that is similar to H24 in that it's bitter from top to bottom, but with subtle floral aroma peeking through the double attack of galbanum and oakmoss, so it's technically a fougere, but I put it here. When I sprayed it on, I thought it was vile, like getting caught in a fog machine or a cloud of tear gas, but after just a minute it mellowed out. Still very sharp, like an old-school aftershave (that's because it is old school, older than me by a decade). A very morning fragrance. I personally like how it smells if you rub it after applying, which is traditionally a no-no.
Wife: "Oh, this one's nice. Pleasantly herbal." Then when I bought it and used it a few times she started saying she disliked it. Too late!
Polo by Ralph Lauren, 0, $$. Another old-school fragrance, very similar to Grey Flannel in overall effect. No flowers in it at all, just a whole bunch of green "manly" notes. Not as choking, but has a pine note that reminds me of vapor rub. I think I prefer the Flannel.
Wife: "Oh, this one's nice. Pleasantly herbal."
Wintery smells
They trade the fresh notes for the warm sweet or spicy ones. A bunch of woody smells should be there, but this is more about tobacco, leather and food. Again, some of them kinda straddle the line between food and not food, so don't treat my classification as gospel.
Not food
Autumn Vibes by MMM, no rating. This one is weird. It's supposed to smell like autumn, but it's not very autumny at all. It's strong, but not as strong as Encre Noire. Smells of night flowers and the spice rack in a pastry shop. I don't get any woody or earthy or sharp notes. I'd call it warm and sweet.
Wife: hates it, calls it ugly and synthetic. Doesn't smell any sweetness or spices at all.
Mom: likes it, but says it smells like autumn leaves and carrot seeds and pickles.
London for Men by Burberry, +1, $. When I tried it first, I was overwhelmed by cinnamon. It felt like sticking the nose into a freshly opened packet. A month later I tried it again, taking care not to rub the sprayed skin, and found it very pleasant. I can't isolate any specific notes, it's sweet and creamy and woody with a hint of cinnamon.
Wife: surprisingly okay with it.
Mum: really likes it. Doesn't smell any cinnamon.
Jazz Club by MMM, -1. Since it was recommended by @Closedshop, I had high hopes for it, but ended up disappointed. The scent is very jumbled and it has the same cold sweet synthetic note that I hated in Musk and Amber. Not as overpowering, but still unpleasant. It dried down into something indistinctly sweet. No rum, no tobacco, no vanilla.
Wife: not impressed either, she doesn't trust modern synthetics anyway.
Mum: autumn leaves and a cigarette. No sweet notes.
Tabarome by Creed, +2, $$$$. Okay, this is a tough rating. Creed has a controversial reputation in the fragrance business. On the one hand, they hire talented designers and source quality ingredients. On the other hand, they only started making perfume in the 70's and came up with a totally fake backstory to jack up their prices. The perfume itself has a delicious warm tobacco smell with a hint of something sour and fruity that I expected from Jazz Club.
Wife: extremely impressed, demanded I get this one.
Food
Called gourmand IIRC. TL;DR: I like them, my wife hates them.
Baccarat Rouge 540 by Francis Kurkjian, 0, $$$$. Imagine you're at a fancy dinner and they bring in the desserts. There's your regular ones: fruit salad, ice cream, some pie, etc. And then there's this warm spongy cake that has been drenched with some syrup and drizzled with additional sauce and everyone is drawn to it. It smells delicious: the exotic spices in the dough, the syrup and the sauce all mesh together perfectly and accentuate its rich sweetness. This is what 540 smells like. Super wintery, very strong, very expensive.
Tried it again, and while the smell is very intriguing and sweet, it makes less of an impression the second time. I assume I would get tired of it.
Wife: doesn't share my enthusiasm.
Mum: doesn't share my enthusiasm either.
Narcotic Delight by Initio Parfums Prives, +1, $$$$. Now this is what I expected Jazz Club to smell like. Sweet warmth with booziness and a small hint of tobacco. The only drawbacks I can name is that the tobacco note is very weak and that the projection and longevity are monstrous. I sprayed it on my forearm and it permeated the whole room. It resisted birch tar soap and reassembled itself on my skin like T-1000. I could still smell it on me eight hours later even after giving myself a second scrub. Definitely a special occasion fragrance.
When I tried it again, I finally got to the tobacco note; you have to wait until the cherry smell dissipates naturally. The tobacco was surprisingly harsh, reminded me of a pack of cigarettes.
Wife: was too overwhelmed by its power to say anything constructive other than that she's not the biggest fan of sweet notes.
Mum: sweets, overripe cherry, some peppery notes.
L'Homme Ideale EdP by Guerlain, +1.5, $$. Rather similar to Narcotic Delight, but with a more pronounced sour overripe/fermentation note. Not as powerful, which is probably a good thing. I really like this one as a wearable scent. Again, I like it more when I rub my skin than when I let it dissipate naturally.
Wife: finally admitted she doesn't like edible scents at all.
Watery smells
Became popular in the 80s, when new synthetic compounds became available.
Cool Water by Davidoff, 0. The OG of the family. The smell is strong, definitely artificial, but not unpleasant. It's to water what watermelon-flavored candy is to watermelon.
Wife: really hated it, made me wash it off immediately.
Mum: nothing to write home about, workhorse summer fragrance.
Random stuff
After categorizing everything, this is what remained, a grab bag of random stuff. Basically, it's what they call "oriental" (or used to, might be considered racist these days) and "animalistic" smells. I'm not a big fan of incense/myrrh/labdanum/other smelly resins (which is what "oriental" means) and didn't really go deep into musks (which are all synthetic these days, I've heard).
Midnight Musk and Amber by Jo Malone, -1. I bought because I was looking for coniferous notes. Disappointing. A very synthetic scent. Smells cold and sweet, like novelty candy.
Wife: "I hate all Jo Malone fragrances"
Mum: totally terrible
Frankincense and Myrrh Cologne by Czech & Speake, -2. From my wife's stock. She loves this kind of heavy stuff, but I had to wash myself after trying it. It does smell like very much like frankincense and myrrh, which is probably a good thing if you like to imagine you're baby Jesus, but I find this kind of smell unpleasant unless it's burning five meters away from me in a censer.
Wife: "You hate all the good stuff!"
Poppy and Barley by Jo Malone, -2. From my mum's (well, technically dad's) collection. It smells like barn to me, like a bag of compound feed that got wet and is now slowly fermenting.
Wife: "Oh, this one is nice."
Mum: "Animal feed, you say? Haven't heard that one yet."
This is basically where I stopped. I still have about twenty more fragrances on my wishlist, but I didn't want to become someone who's into perfume, just to get a few bottles for daily use. I have enough testers for special occasions, here's what I have bought for regular use:
As you can see, I ended up without a citrus-vetiver fragrance that I initially thought would be my main option, but this is something I can revisit later.
opus 1870 Penhaligon is my most fav fragrance - i consider it the dad perfume. To always keep my kids remind them of me whenever they smell it.
Guerlain L'homme ideal is another fav.
Dior Sauvage Elixir is my favorite, though it’s widely considered a “universal douchebag fragrance,” because it’s used by so many party boys in the club scene. It was first described to me as smelling like “McDonald’s curry sauce;” lol. They also say Prada Luna Rossa Carbon is the closest smelling casual fragrance to it but IMO it smells nothing like Sauvage.
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