reo
10d ago
But it would be kinder and more honest of her to say that Actions speaker louder than words. One needs to understand (and accept) those, rather than wait for explicit words.
Perhaps she doesn't even know herself very possible (i would say likely). which is why, actions should be taken by the OP to shake things out into the open.
reo
15d ago
Nah. When I am well prepared, I want the hardest paper. Best way to flush out the laggards.
reo
15d ago
if you prepared well, then may the exam paper be tough. if you prepared less, then may the exam paper be lenient.
with complete effort, attain victory.
reo
15d ago
Jacob Lund Fisker - of ERE (earlyretirementextreme.com). The link I have already shared above.
This isn't supposed to be a friendship. From OP's POV, this is a nearly done deal for companionship barring 1 or 2 major issues. and if you think that she is treating him as a friend, then also it doesn't fit. who wants to live together with a friend (unless FWB) and then also, the person who feels that this is a friendship only from her side would explain to the other person that she has friendzoned him clearly, so that the friend (OP) doesn't get hurt. So, this is definitely not real friendship.
We've discussed living together, and we both agree to the idea in principle
She does not drive, and will not accept living somewhere that does not have ubiquitous, reliable transportation.
While our attempts to find a home together
She tells me she misses me, and that she wishes we could be together.
In her new reasoning, she claims that the issue is about career concerns. She works in service , but my area has a raging hospitality industry. When she lived here, she would make as much money during tourist season as she does in a year in $(CITY).
reo
16d ago
JLF does it at much lesser amount. You need to go through the ERE forums. $15k a year excluding rent and medicaid is not dirt poor, imo.
reo
17d ago
In addition to what DradisPing has mentioned, I would recommend two blogs:
- Spandrell (aka Bloodyshovel) essays - presently at spandrell.ch (has a book/ebook too). Eg post is BioLeninism.
- Aidan's blog - can check on internet archive. The text without the comments is also available.
reo
17d ago
I do agree with this post of SubstantialFrivolity.
My psychological hypothesis based on your entire post is: Her insistence on (1) independent (2) city travel is to keep her options open for finding a better partner. Reasons for this hypothesis are:
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Reluctance to sacrifice independence: she strongly resists any move which can reduce her independent mobility (and does not even consider viable alternatives like depend upon you, or e-bikes, or ride-shares). The plausible reason (hidden or otherwise) is that the City offers proximity to social, professional, and romantic networks (much greater optionality).
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Shifting the Goalpost: when the public transport thing was apparently solved, she produced new problems like career prospects. This to me, is the most weighted option for my hypothesis.
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Optionality in this Relationship: even after a decade, she seems to be very comfortable in the current arrangement ("she misses him" but faces no urgency to create a shared future or overcome the distance). Why? Because somewhere deep inside, she doesn't want to be dependent to the current partner. Particularly, not at cost of Reason 1 above.
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The tendency to "Have the Best Possible Mate": If a woman perceives that her current partner is her best realistic option, then she tends to be highly motivated to secure and "lock-in" the relationship (as fast as practically possible). She would be the one to push for togetherness, ready to face inconveniences, and make it work (at any cost). Not make excuses. Since she is stalling and does not show any kind of initiative, consciously or not, she does not consider You as her highest value prospect. (sorry).
In short, while no one (IMO, not even herself) can know her motivations, the sustained lack of initiative from her side, resistance to any inconveniences from her side (even when you are doing the most you can do), intense preference for independent mobility with city independence- all these point towards a mindset of having more options, knowingly or unknowingly.
A woman truly deeply in love and fully invested in a man almost never has such a defensive option-preserving posture over a decade (I really don't believe that). Such a woman would be showing real intent and decisive movement towards union (across any situation), never endless hesitation and new excuses.
This is not to say that I am saying she is bad. But these are her priorities, shown by her actions (actions speak louder than words). They are what they are.
OTOH, you have worked hard to keep this relationship alive, making extreme (to your limits and beyond them also) emotional and logistical sacrifices to try to find solutions to practical obstacles. The demonstration of level of commitment from both sides are lopsided (to say the least). You deserve a relationship where both partners are eager and willing to build a life together - sometimes one side does more and equally number of times the other side does more (never one side goes on doing and doing and the other side never / minimally does). And this relationship does not appear to be anywhere near that level. Accepting this does mean someone has to be blamed (not her, not yourself) - it is what it is. It means to free yourself from trying to fit a round peg in a square hole and actually try to find the kind of relationship / partnership which is mutual, honest, and fulfilling for both sides. Wishing you courage and clarity to decide what is right for you.
reo
17d ago
what part of "I'm dirt poor" is not getting through?
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because I didn't get that in the original post. I apologise if you feel hurt by the suggestion, but it was not my intention. My intention was just that you get sunlight and not stay in a snowy area.
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maybe you need to look at MMM or ERE to get help in how to navigate with poor income.
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What is your actual income level?
reo
18d ago
So be it. Everybody's suffering (or whatever equivalent) is going to end by their respective deaths. Nothing new in that. But you can meanwhile change the way of suffering.
Since you are in for winters in a temperate/snowy place, why not suffer for 1 month (or 1 week minimum) in some sunny tropical place, just taking in the sun. No other goal, no need for tourism, no need to do something or achieve something. Complete free, unorganized, wandering. Pick a simple (cheap) B&B kind of place and go out all day - come back in night - sleep - repeat (go in to the markets, beach, anything).
reo
21d ago
Then continue to be a Useless Tree. Basically, Chuang-tzu's Useless tree is chinese taoist parable about a huge, knotty, gnarled tree which no carpenter wanted to cut since its timber was spectacularly useless. Neither it was useful to make boats or furniture, nor for its fruits or leaves. Etc. While the useful trees were pruned, chopped, or harvested early, that tree's inability to be used for conventional purposes freed it from harm and enabled it to grow large and give shade to people and animals.
The main idea is to demonstrate perspective-driven relativism in values, in which what seems useless by one standard can be extremely useful from another perspective. IOW, the useful value in being "useless." If you feel (or the society makes you feel) useless from the (destructive) POV of usefulness to society, then this story should give you a different perspective. There is absolutely no need to conform to externally imposed standards of utility or productivity (which you may have internalized). On this birthday, it would be good thing to ponder about.
Regarding the future years, float with the current. You are not going to reach anywhere in the end. So, why to struggle? Don't suffer seriously. Have fun. Enjoy.
reo
21d ago
Time as the author looks at is really combined with the word "adherence" used later, so it's something like "time adhering to a plan/program."
I would say No to that inference. My interpretation of the article is:
"Time" in this particular article is the time adhering to those basic principles (primary, secondary, tertiary) and not to a particular program only. Like in your case, Time will be 15 years of following various programs. The consistency is in doing the doing properly, whether you do a 2 week program X, 5 week program Y, 4 month program / system Z, to A to W to AA to ZZ, etc.
Those "X weeks to jacked up" programs don't really work since the time element is short. But if you follow the same program multiple times (or different otherwise principled programs without repeating them), you are bound to have a good physique.
Sidenote:
This reminds me of Charles Poliquin athlete types (based on Braverman test which assesses which neurotransmitter dominant or deficient you are; out of dopamine, acetylcholine, serotonin, and GABA):
- Dopamine types get high intensity, frequent changes, and more novel exercises.
- GABA and Serotonin types thrive on steady, consistent routines and recover better with less variety.
- Acetylcholine types benefit from regular novelty and learning-based protocols.
That is also why it is impossible to have a program which works with every kind of person!
side-side-note: IIRC, he originally created that on basis of 5 Chinese elements of fire (dopamine dominance), wood (acetylcholine), metal (GABA), water (serotonin), and Earth (balanced neurotransmitter profile).
reo
28d ago
pretty much. the thumb lies in the extra-ankle area of the sock. although, you can make holes if you want.
reo
28d ago
i use an old sock to prevent direct abrasions and callus ripping. using old socks will also prevent thick calluses also.
reo
28d ago
First situation:
You can at max. (since she is platonic friend) consider one long talk about the situation with her. After that, you need to step back regarding the situation from your side and let your friend pick her choice (or pick her type of poison). Consider it as a experiment on you also. The experiment of stopping being the white knight in shining armor out there to protect the damsel in distress. In the one talk, you can explain to her few things (which partly or fully, you likely have already done):
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This man who has not left his long term GF is treating her like a second priority (side-hoe). If she considers him to be someone really special, then she should be expecting the same level of feeling from his side also (which he isn't doing). Such an imbalanced relationship is bound to cause long term problems even if she is feeling great about it from an emotional point of view.
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You are framing in it "smart" "sensible" analytical way, while your friend is working at a high emotional framework. You may remind her that excitement and emotional intensity alone are not the substitute for stability or genuine love over a long term. Particularly when at this juncture, she should be focusing on her career/PhD.
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some sample statements which can used for her: a. You deserve someone who chooses you first. b. How people treat their current partners is how they will treat you later. So, choose wisely. c. I am here to talk about things, but I will not support decisions which hurt you or others (other GF).
Basically, you have to stop trying to control her (and she should not feel that either). Give your assessment and step back (it is your boundary-building exercise).
Second Situation:
In general, Sexual attraction is driven by emotional impulses, preselection, and status signals - not rational calculus or moral standing.
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Preselection: women are attracted to men who are chosen by other women (like this friend is attracted to a person having already a GF). This is a very strange concept when you look at it from moral POV, but it is a very common situation.
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Taking initiative while displaying self-confidence (going to overconfidence, social aggressiveness, risk-taking) and self-interest (lying / faking, going through extreme selfishness to cheating) is attractive trait.
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Smart and moral Passive men are unattractive. They choose the destiny of always giving advice, friend-zoned, and never rewarded romantically or sexually. Or they only get rewards, when women have exhausted all other options and then they are the fail-safe (and even then these same women never forget their "special guy", as correctly mentioned somewhere in George Hale's answer).
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So, be bold, show self-interest (and not other-interest at expense of self-interest), disregard your social nervousness, and get away from socially/romantically asymmetrical situations/relationships/friendships. and yes, keep your moral compass correct also (gotta sleep well at night).
Do check out mrmoneymustache (if not already) - his Start here. There are others too. As such, if you have a corpus of 33x (33 times your annual expenses), then you can be retire early or coast easily. Whichever way, you may want to.
reo
1mo ago
My point was the same: opt for something which is sustainable for long. in both exercise and diet styles. Consistency is the key.
You cannot control much of the genetic components. So work around it, in a relaxed manner (less cortisol prone way).
reo
1mo ago
you need to understand which part really was / is providing the bulk of benefit.
in general, 5.7 Hb1Ac isn't worrying level. it just means that there is a tendency of insulin resistance. And since muscles are one of the major users of glucose, using them will reduce the resistance (muscles will be hungry for glucose).
- Continue the exercise routine (whichever you find sustainable). if there are 3 strength days, then add 2 endurance days (with some form of LSS) or plain walking (>30min), etc (dog walking is a great idea). This will keep your largest muscles (legs) in usage.
- continue IF, if you find it sustainable. but if you are doing proper strength training, then not of highest recommendation.
reo
1mo ago
reo
1mo ago
It seems to be some kind of low-grade tear in either one of the tendons or supporting ligaments.
Rest hasn't helped a lot apparently.
You can incorporate two things:
A). Low intensity high reps schedule. Of the same movement. Eccentrics.
- Low Intensity = 1kg or 2 kg weights. You can even use 500ml coke can or bottle. Fill it full to half or somewhere in between.
- High Reps = 10-20 sets of 10 reps (total 100-150-200 reps). You can do it over a day, whenever you have time.
- Eccentrics = in this case, you have to do the same Hammer Curls. Use your other hand to support WHILE flexing the elbow (normal curl motion) and then let it extend (reverse of curl motion) on own with the other hand removed. This means that the elbow flexors are working to slow down their primary motion (= eccentric; concentric motion for elbow flexors is elbow flexion). Keep the wrist in neutral motion as in Hammer Curl.
B). Look at your food. You need good (balanced) protein to let the soft tissue heal properly.
Do this for 3-4 weeks. You can progressively increase your reps from initial 100 a day to 200 a day over that time.
C). Of course, don't do hammer curl like motion with heavy weights (which may tear the new healed tissue) in rest of the time.
well put
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