The Wednesday Wellness threads are meant to encourage users to ask for and provide advice and motivation to improve their lives. It isn't intended as a 'containment thread' and any content which could go here could instead be posted in its own thread. You could post:
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Requests for advice and / or encouragement. On basically any topic and for any scale of problem.
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Notes -
Today is one of those days where I wonder if I should be in some sort of counseling. And then I wonder what the point would be since the only truly actionable advice would be "find a new line of work."
I have been a public defender long enough that I now mostly have murder cases and sex cases (plus supervisory duties). My rural area is thankfully low on murders, but not so low on sex cases. It is generally possible to have semi-normal conversations with murder clients. It is almost impossible to do so with a 40yo man accused of having sex with a 13yo girl. Or a 30yo man accused of molesting his 8yo step-daughter. Or a 70yo man accused of molesting every child in the neighborhood. Or the pick-an-age man who has collected TB of CSAM, some of which is so appalling that just reading the description (much less having to actually see the videos) is something straight from the torment nexus.
Even for someone jaded by years of this work, it is wearing to hear the delusional and horrifying things they say. Some of them don't see anything wrong with what they've done, and some are even proud of it. And of course, if they're confessing to past actions they haven't been charged with, that's confidential information that goes to the grave with me. So they finally get to unburden themselves (or brag) and I can do nothing with it except store it away in my elephant's memory (I am not Funes the Memorious, but I remember far too much).
So there are days like today where I had custody visits with a number of my clients and it would be great if I could somehow memory wipe my time at work.
I've done some forensic work and my practice setting gets me more exposure even when I'm working on civilian units.
It is okay to be burnt out by what you hearing.
It is also okay to not be burnt out. Sometimes people find something not triggering - don't feel guilty if certain types of crimes or criminals don't bother you.
Therapy is completely reasonable, the formal, big T-Trauma includes exposure to bad shit in certain vulnerable populations (medical staff, police, etc.). That's not quite you but what you are working with gets you damn close. Trauma... can be bad. I don't know if they do video visits but you can find therapists who specialize in high achieving individuals with a need for sensitivity due to their profession.
The natural arc in healthcare for people working with forensic patients is to eventual leave and stop. Some people don't have the temperament or just lose it because they've seen too much.
I know that's not ideal for you because of location but life is too short to be miserable. If it's what you need, that's what you need.
For me I hold onto the wins - people being jammed up, people who try and improve, people who are upfront and polite, you can pick out good bits and mentally focus on that to fuzz over the bad stuff.
Working deeply with the American criminal population is to some extent like being a veteran. People who haven't gone through it just don't understand.
I hope you find your balance.
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