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Does anyone have experience, advice, or resources on dealing with aging parents? I’m dealing with it now. It sucks. Heartbreaking. And it’s tough to go from the person that listened to your parents to the person who has to tell them what to do.
Secondhand advice from watching my mom go through this with her (extraordinarily selfish and unprepared) parents: get power of attorney before you need it. All the paperwork becomes a thousand times easier, which is especially appreciated when time-sensitive medical decisions need to be made. On that note, while morbid and uncomfortable, you need to get clear end-of-life instructions from your parents now. Force them to make the decision on when to pull the plug when everyone is thinking clearly so that you don't have to go through the trauma of having to decide whether your mom lives or dies on a random 4am in a strange hospital.
Also, be prepared to be mean and for you parents to spend the bulk of their last years angry and resentful toward you if they're naturally stubborn. Especially if dementia/alzheimers is a factor. They will revert into their worst childhood impulses and will not appreciate any of the effort you expend on their behalf. It helps if you mentally frame the new relationship as you repaying a kindness to your parents as you remember them in your heart. Like literally think of them as two separate couples. You're looking after old-them on behalf of young-them. That way you're not expecting gratitude from the current version (and growing resentful at its absence); you're simply returning the favor to the lovely people who raised you.
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You show patience you didn't think you had, you empathize, and you just get through it. Any siblings? My own brother was basically useless and even counterproductive, but my female relatives were very helpful (and at times annoying but you take people as they are in such situations.)
I can recall very clearly feeding my dad with a plastic fork and telling him he had to swallow his macaroni (he had become dysphagic after what I believe was a stroke). Heartbreaking is the right word. It's not something I'd wish on anyone, though most of us will have to experience some form ir another of this. If your parent is in a hospital or care center or hospice much of the burden is relieved, though then of course there are other worries (are these people competent?) and so on. Relatives can really help though in ways that friends can't or don't. It's a reminder how important family is, and in particular the important role of nurturing (i.e. women.) YMMV I suppose.
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