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Went to the park with my family recently. We had a picnic and afterwards I packed up the car and watched my boys play from the car while my wife took my daughter to the bathroom. I had the windows rolled down and a guy in what appeared to be a work van pulled up next to me. "Nice day," he says.
"Yeah, just trying to enjoy the weather while we can."
"This city has a lot of nice parks."
"Sure does."
"My city doesn't have a lot of parks."
"Oh? Where are you from?"
"[City I've never heard of]. It's by [city I have heard of]."
"[Repeat single fact I know about that city]."
"Yeah, that's the one. So... what are you on?"
"What?"
"You on sniffies?"
Now at this point I have no idea what is going on. Does he think I'm on drugs? No that can't be it I don't think I'm acting erratically. Maybe he's trying to sell me drugs. I've been out of the game for a while so maybe 'sniffies' is the new slang for idk cocaine or something?
Me: "No, I'm not on sniffies. I don't even know what sniffies are."
"It's a hookup app. Bi, gay... straight."
"Oh, no I'm not on sniffies. I'm not on any apps." I don't want to continue this chat so I pull out my phone hoping he'll take the hint.
Him: "Is there another parking lot down along this road?"
"Yeah, it's a lot bigger than this one."
"I'm gonna go check that one out. I'll probably be back later, though. I think I'm probably bothering you."
"It's OK man, have a good day."
"Yeah you too." He drives away.
So I immediately google sniffies and yeah it's a gay hookup app like grindr. Also like grindr it has a grid system to find other guys. It probably says something about male sexuality that the gay apps are about proximity and the straight ones are more about looks. I go to sign up for sniffies and at one point it asks you "Are you a real cruiser?" Not being a real cruiser, this was as far as I got before closing my browser.
I thought the apps would have destroyed cruising culture but apparently not. This guy was about 50 so I thought maybe he's a bit slow on the uptake, but a gay friend of ours has confirmed that the parking lots in our city's parks are ground zero for casual gay hookups and being alone in my car in one was a 'questionable' choice on my part.
This is the second time I've been cruised. The first time was when I was living in Wrigleyville in Chicago. It's a weird area because the people who live in that neighborhood are mainly 20-something former frat guys who like beer, sports, and blonde women named Stacy--it's probably the straightest place in town. Right next door though is Boystown, the Chicago gayborhood. The Whole Foods I shopped at is below the Center on Halstead which is the main queer community center in the city. At the end of my street was a drag bar that we sometimes went to on Wednesday for $3 martinis and a show.
So I'm walking to the parking garage I pay $100/moth to park in and a guy ends up following me. He looked like a respectable 50 year old guy so I'm not afraid I'm about to get mugged. When I get to my car he approaches me:
"I like your bandana."
"Oh, yeah I have hay fever this time of year."
"Yeah." He starts undoing his pants.
"What are you doing?"
"I said I liked your bandana."
"Yeah, I have hay fever."
He lets out an exasperated sigh. "When you get a chance, google 'bandana code'," and he walks away.
So as soon as I get to my wife's place we google it and apparently the color and placement of my hanky meant I was looking to give out free blowjobs. I gather it's more of a cultural artifact, but this was the late '00s so maybe it was still in full swing back then. I was also fairly good-looking at that time, but now I've got fewer muscles and a gut so I don't know what the more recent guy was thinking. A guy with dad bod in a polo shirt and basketball shorts sitting in a minivan doesn't exactly scream "homo" to me but what do I know.
I get confused as gay a lot. I have a feminine affect, "woman" interests (gardening, musical theater (including opera), women's fashion), and generally don't aggressively hit on women, but God in His infinite wisdom decided to make me a Kinsey 0 just to fuck with me. I even missed the opportunity to get with a girl I fancied on my freshman year dorm floor. She was so convinced I was gay that she read my advances as friendliness, and she was apparently crushed when I got a girlfriend halfway through the year. Maybe I need to buy a Dodge Ram 2500 and grow a beard or something.
Jesus. I joke about being occasionally mistaken for a gay man, but that's only happened when I'm loitering in a gay bar (tends to change the priors a bit).
I think a bandana would be simply confusing to everyone in Scotland, rather than a sign of being gay. Can't say I've seen a gay man with one out. Or that I've even seen a bandana in the wild.
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