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naraburns  nihil supernum  1yr ago (text post)   5635 thread views

Small-Scale Question Sunday for March 12, 2023

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So, in the CWR thread there was an exchange where @2rafa got a bit piled on for claiming that most men don't have lots of casual sex not because they can't, but because they don't particularly want to compared to competing activities. I'm not interested in relitigating the conversation, but the following bit struck me (conversation massively snipped for the relevant parts):

From @2rafa:

Because most men do, in fact, show a revealed preference for long term relationships. [...] I think most men who don't pursue sleeping with huge numbers of women don't do so because they don't want to, not because they can't.

And from @Amadan:

[Y]our rather touchingly naive view that down deep we're all just looking for our waifu is not really true. [...] But most men who don't do it [have sex with large numbers of women], unless they have strong religious or other reasons not to, absolutely would do it if they had the ability.

Now admittedly I am one of the people with "strong religious ... reasons not to", but this strikes me as off somehow? I mean, sure, most men have some level of desire to have lots of sex with different women, but people have lots of desires, and just because they have a desire doesn't mean they'd preferentially fulfill it, especially if it competes with other ones.

Which leads to my question. What fraction of men (say, in their twenties) are better described as (a) "looking for [their] waifu" - i.e. want to find a good wife (and then, presumably, also have lots of sex with her), with little serious interest in casual sex, or (b) "absolutely would [have lots of casual sex] if they had the ability"?

For (heterosexual) men, which is/was more true of you? For anyone, what fraction of men do you think are are "team find a wife" vs "team casual sex"?

I think the whole idea of asking people "would you have lots of casual sex or look for a LTR if you could somehow seduce a new girl each evening" is useless, it's like asking "would you travel around the world or buy a nice house if you had a billion dollars". Most men don't have a billion dollars or the skills of a master seducer. Would we fight crime if we could fly and shoot lasers out of our eyes, or would we look for a quiet stable job as a reporter?

There's a simpler question that most men can answer: imagine you are married and have sex with your wife twice a week by saying, "sex tonight, hon?". The sex is nice, but perhaps you want more frequent sex, kinkier sex, sex that isn't limited by having to put kids to bed and waking up early five days a week, sex with more partners, younger partners, whatever. You decide to talk to your wife about it.

Your wife is a literal saint and says, "very well, I understand the limitations of married life, you can have as much casual sex with other women (or men) as you want and I won't hold it against you. You can spend as much time as you want on pursuing casual sex. I will still remain your wife, will love you as much as I love you now, will have sex with you twice a week, will remain faithful to you, you can have all of this in writing and notarized. There's only one stipulation: you can only have purely casual sex with other partners. If you start to develop feelings for anyone else, compensate them for sex or lie to have sex with them, the deal is off."

So now the choice is between "team wife" and "team wife AND casual sex". The second option literally has no drawbacks. How many men will actually put in the effort to at least double their sex frequency?

Hell, drop the marital sex to once a week, drop the requirements about feelings, money and lies. How many men will put in the effort in this situation? Maybe they will get a mistress/sugar baby. Maybe they'll join a sex club. How many will actually trawl Tinder and bars?

Speaking frankly, I would take the wife + casual sex deal in a heartbeat.

I mean, my sex life with my girlfriend is great, and given the choice between my current relationship and reliving my single and chasing girls days in my 20s, I'd prefer the former. But if I'm being offered the option of being able to pursue casual sex (or even just flirting) safe in the knowledge that my saint wife won't be upset and it wouldn't affect our marriage, then I would want to try it. I doubt I would pursue other women particularly vigorously, but if you're a guy who enjoys the chase (not necessarily a given) then this is all upside and no downside.

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