Do you have a dumb question that you're kind of embarrassed to ask in the main thread? Is there something you're just not sure about?
This is your opportunity to ask questions. No question too simple or too silly.
Culture war topics are accepted, and proposals for a better intro post are appreciated.
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Notes -
So, in the CWR thread there was an exchange where @2rafa got a bit piled on for claiming that most men don't have lots of casual sex not because they can't, but because they don't particularly want to compared to competing activities. I'm not interested in relitigating the conversation, but the following bit struck me (conversation massively snipped for the relevant parts):
From @2rafa:
And from @Amadan:
Now admittedly I am one of the people with "strong religious ... reasons not to", but this strikes me as off somehow? I mean, sure, most men have some level of desire to have lots of sex with different women, but people have lots of desires, and just because they have a desire doesn't mean they'd preferentially fulfill it, especially if it competes with other ones.
Which leads to my question. What fraction of men (say, in their twenties) are better described as (a) "looking for [their] waifu" - i.e. want to find a good wife (and then, presumably, also have lots of sex with her), with little serious interest in casual sex, or (b) "absolutely would [have lots of casual sex] if they had the ability"?
For (heterosexual) men, which is/was more true of you? For anyone, what fraction of men do you think are are "team find a wife" vs "team casual sex"?
I think the whole idea of asking people "would you have lots of casual sex or look for a LTR if you could somehow seduce a new girl each evening" is useless, it's like asking "would you travel around the world or buy a nice house if you had a billion dollars". Most men don't have a billion dollars or the skills of a master seducer. Would we fight crime if we could fly and shoot lasers out of our eyes, or would we look for a quiet stable job as a reporter?
There's a simpler question that most men can answer: imagine you are married and have sex with your wife twice a week by saying, "sex tonight, hon?". The sex is nice, but perhaps you want more frequent sex, kinkier sex, sex that isn't limited by having to put kids to bed and waking up early five days a week, sex with more partners, younger partners, whatever. You decide to talk to your wife about it.
Your wife is a literal saint and says, "very well, I understand the limitations of married life, you can have as much casual sex with other women (or men) as you want and I won't hold it against you. You can spend as much time as you want on pursuing casual sex. I will still remain your wife, will love you as much as I love you now, will have sex with you twice a week, will remain faithful to you, you can have all of this in writing and notarized. There's only one stipulation: you can only have purely casual sex with other partners. If you start to develop feelings for anyone else, compensate them for sex or lie to have sex with them, the deal is off."
So now the choice is between "team wife" and "team wife AND casual sex". The second option literally has no drawbacks. How many men will actually put in the effort to at least double their sex frequency?
Hell, drop the marital sex to once a week, drop the requirements about feelings, money and lies. How many men will put in the effort in this situation? Maybe they will get a mistress/sugar baby. Maybe they'll join a sex club. How many will actually trawl Tinder and bars?
Speaking frankly, I would take the wife + casual sex deal in a heartbeat.
I mean, my sex life with my girlfriend is great, and given the choice between my current relationship and reliving my single and chasing girls days in my 20s, I'd prefer the former. But if I'm being offered the option of being able to pursue casual sex (or even just flirting) safe in the knowledge that my saint wife won't be upset and it wouldn't affect our marriage, then I would want to try it. I doubt I would pursue other women particularly vigorously, but if you're a guy who enjoys the chase (not necessarily a given) then this is all upside and no downside.
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This is a not-exact diagram of what my relationship with my wife looks like*. So I can give you a rough number here: over a decade or so of this practice, the answer is roughly 1.5 other women per year on average, median and mode 1, some years zero. I often joke with the handful of people who are aware of our open status that people perceive an open relationship as the defining aspect of people's lives, I probably spend more time playing Golf in the average year than with other women, and I don't even like Golf I just get dragged into it socially/professionally every now and then. So the answer to this question:
Is, maybe every now and then, but probably more like once or twice a year than all the time. It's not a question of overall frequency within the year, that rounds to zero, so much as a period of treating it like a hobby for a time, then forgetting about it. I'll get an itch, much less like being uncontrollably horny than the same desire I would get to read a particular genre of book, and I spend a week or so finding a partner, then take a weekend day off and have some fun, then maintain that once a month for a while, then quietly let it drop when other things get in the way. Normally I keep chatting with other partners for some time, often but not always meeting up again at some point months years down the road if they reach out to me or I to them.
So on balance, one would not dedicate a lot of effort to it.
*The main differences would be that we don't have kids (yet, inshallah) and she is also interested in...interactions...with other women on her own or with me; while I am congenitally incapable of sex without any feelings getting involved.
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