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Notes -
Continuing my theme in the previous comment of springboarding off the QC thread for discussion topics...
War of the sexes, but specifically regarding long term relationships and marriage.
What, in your opinion, should/does a desirable male partner bring to the table? What should/does a desirable female partner bring to the table?
The goal here is not specifically symmetry, if the desirableness is asymmetrical. For example, if you think a woman should desire a man with a stable job, but a man would be neutral or negative towards a woman with a stable job, then there's no need to include that on both lists.
To make the discussion more specific, less hypothetical: excluding amorphous concepts of "chemistry", what is the concrete package of measurable traits the opposite sex needs to offer for you to want to commit to a relationship with them? What is the package you are offering them in exchange? Do you feel this is a "good deal"?
(I'll answer for myself in a reply rather than answering within the question.)
I'll echo my learned friend in argument @f3zinker and say this is the real test. I do think over time patterns can be observed in who I have chemistry with and who I don't, but it's there or it's not. If you gave me a woman who met a bunch of objective standards I'm about to give, but the chemistry wasn't there for a reason I didn't articulate, marrying her would be a bad idea, because I've had the real thing and if it showed up after I married an "ok" woman without it, that's the kind of thing that ruins lives. I'm glad I didn't find that out the hard way.
My physical type is pretty eyes and waist:hip silhouette. The rest I can pretty much work around, historically speaking. I'll find things I like about her face, her weight, her skin color, her hair, her cup size, her height; if she has gorgeous eyes and she's shaped like a woman I'm pretty much there. I find no observable pattern on any of those other factors with past partners.*
After a party, is she the type of person who helps clean up before she leaves? This can be a house party, a political fundraiser at a fire hall, Thanksgiving with my family, a weekend at a friend's beach house; when I look at the girls I esteem and feel I could have committed to that is the number one shared trait. They were all the kind of girl who helps clean up when we're done. Whether out of native instinctive altruism, or merely out of familial/religious training in the idea of duty and help.
How does she understand things? Not what does she believe, that doesn't matter, but how did she come to believe it and why does she believe it? I can deal with anyone if our underlying epistemology is similar, but I can't get along with anyone if they believe things simply because they were told so, or because it benefits their "tribe." I need someone with intellectual curiosity and the ability to change their beliefs a little. Though I suspect this is an artifact of my personality, in that anyone who didn't share this with me would find me very tiresome, and girls who like me are going to be more attractive when they're with me, while women who are hidebound or take things too seriously will not be.
Have you always wanted to date a 5'11"** model of a Ken Doll that got ahold of Frosty the Snow-Man's hat and came to life? Do you want a man who will send you highlighted passages from The Lives of the Noble Grecians and Romans to illustrate his thoughts on your relationship? Do you want to walk the dog and hear my hot takes on how America never should have given Mexico back after the Mexican American war? Do you value that your parents will fucking love me and say I'm "such a nice boy" regardless of their own beliefs or background?*** Are you ok with the fact that I'm going to make satisfactory money, but probably less money than I strictly speaking could make if I were more ambitious about getting ahead at work? Do you need someone emotionally stable, almost pathologically incapable of overreacting to things going on around him, to balance out your own insecurities and neuroses? Do you want someone that will always listen to you, but will normally give you off-the-wall opinions about your problems? Also, I've been told that the fact I know how to use laundry bags is pretty lit.
Well, do I have a deal for you! Some as-is, but in pretty good condition! Unfortunately, been under contract for a long time, and no signs of coming on the market.
I think my wife and I both got a great deal, which is sort of the definition of a good match in my mind.
*As an aside, I think having low or absent standards has contributed to success with more "objectively" attractive women, like my wife, because I don't overly value how hot she is, where other men did.
**I've dated girls up to 6'1", no problem; being shorter than me is not a standard I have, as long as they are ok being submissive to a slightly shorter man.
***Honestly, if you don't believe in white privilege and eurocentric beauty standards, you haven't been where I've been meeting parents of virtually every race and being universally approved as 100% marriage material. Pakistani muslim immigrants, Black power leaning Babtists, Singaporean bankers, and of course any variety of white Catholic; your mama is going to love me. High SATs, saying "ma'am", and blue eyes are pretty much the master key to any mother's heart when her daughter brings you home.
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