site banner

Wellness Wednesday for March 15, 2023

The Wednesday Wellness threads are meant to encourage users to ask for and provide advice and motivation to improve their lives. It isn't intended as a 'containment thread' and any content which could go here could instead be posted in its own thread. You could post:

  • Requests for advice and / or encouragement. On basically any topic and for any scale of problem.

  • Updates to let us know how you are doing. This provides valuable feedback on past advice / encouragement and will hopefully make people feel a little more motivated to follow through. If you want to be reminded to post your update, see the post titled 'update reminders', below.

  • Advice. This can be in response to a request for advice or just something that you think could be generally useful for many people here.

  • Encouragement. Probably best directed at specific users, but if you feel like just encouraging people in general I don't think anyone is going to object. I don't think I really need to say this, but just to be clear; encouragement should have a generally positive tone and not shame people (if people feel that shame might be an effective tool for motivating people, please discuss this so we can form a group consensus on how to use it rather than just trying it).

5
Jump in the discussion.

No email address required.

I'm socially retarded, if that's the right expression.

Due to combination of poor environment, luck and personal flaws, so far (approaching mid 20s) I had few friends, zero experience in relationships, missed several conventional life milestones and trying to catch up. I'm pretty sure I'm not autistic and not blatantly psychiatrically defective (based on reading WebMD) so it's only a matter of skill and practice to get to a tolerable place, yet...how do I navigate talking about difficult topics, especially myself? Additional challenge - I absolutely loathe having to lie.

I tried to use my strengths to combat my weakness and prepare answers in writing for questions that I anticipate but it's not really helpful. I have seen people gliding awkward questions with effortless grace, but as can be inferred from what I wrote so far, that's not something I can do. One of the first conversations with my classmates in college from some years ago:

Her: "Do you have a girlfriend?"

Me: “no”

Her: did you had one before?

Me: “no”

proceed to an awkward pause

I'm only farther behind now, and I don't know if I could handle conversations like that any better.

That made me think: is telling small lies just social glue that most people are pushed to use, except for eloquent speakers and those who are cool enough as in genuinely-don't-give-a-damn and I'm just crippling myself further?

yes, you will have to lie for those conversations, or say stuff like "only pain will come out of this discussion, I don't want to know your past, and you don't want to know mine". Also increase your SMV so that no one would actually expect you to be a virgin. Go to the gym, get good clothes, haircut, etc. etc.

Or:

Her: "Do you have a girlfriend?"

You: "well, it kind of depends on your definition... but I don't kiss-and-tell smirk "

You haven't exactly said you did or didn't have a girlfriend, and now you're letting her imagine wild scenarios on her own. Mystery is always more useful than just saying the truth.

Trying to pull things similar to your example was the cause of some of the most cringe-worthy gaffes in my life, but I see merit in this approach. At least in the workplace or such I think I could get away with coming up with a formulaic joke that implies that the question is unprofessional and out of place, then try to move the conversation elsewhere without waiting for a reply.

ah, true, having high SMV does seem to reduce the cringe factor of all your comments, there is no real escape from the "step 1: be attractive, step 2: don't be unattractive" meme. There's no real solution apart from going to the gym.

The good news is, guys can change their attractiveness far more effectively than women.

Good skin care, grooming and fitness will get you a +2 in points from wherever you are. Add a +1 by catering to a care that has a positive bias towards you. (very lucky if you are white, but staying within your race irrespective of which you are, helps). A 4/10 won't become a 10, but they can become a 7/10. Not too bad.

You gotta work with what you've got, but it is one's first responsibility to make as much progress on Rule #1 and #2 as your constitution will allow.