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Wellness Wednesday for March 15, 2023

The Wednesday Wellness threads are meant to encourage users to ask for and provide advice and motivation to improve their lives. It isn't intended as a 'containment thread' and any content which could go here could instead be posted in its own thread. You could post:

  • Requests for advice and / or encouragement. On basically any topic and for any scale of problem.

  • Updates to let us know how you are doing. This provides valuable feedback on past advice / encouragement and will hopefully make people feel a little more motivated to follow through. If you want to be reminded to post your update, see the post titled 'update reminders', below.

  • Advice. This can be in response to a request for advice or just something that you think could be generally useful for many people here.

  • Encouragement. Probably best directed at specific users, but if you feel like just encouraging people in general I don't think anyone is going to object. I don't think I really need to say this, but just to be clear; encouragement should have a generally positive tone and not shame people (if people feel that shame might be an effective tool for motivating people, please discuss this so we can form a group consensus on how to use it rather than just trying it).

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I'm socially retarded, if that's the right expression.

Due to combination of poor environment, luck and personal flaws, so far (approaching mid 20s) I had few friends, zero experience in relationships, missed several conventional life milestones and trying to catch up. I'm pretty sure I'm not autistic and not blatantly psychiatrically defective (based on reading WebMD) so it's only a matter of skill and practice to get to a tolerable place, yet...how do I navigate talking about difficult topics, especially myself? Additional challenge - I absolutely loathe having to lie.

I tried to use my strengths to combat my weakness and prepare answers in writing for questions that I anticipate but it's not really helpful. I have seen people gliding awkward questions with effortless grace, but as can be inferred from what I wrote so far, that's not something I can do. One of the first conversations with my classmates in college from some years ago:

Her: "Do you have a girlfriend?"

Me: “no”

Her: did you had one before?

Me: “no”

proceed to an awkward pause

I'm only farther behind now, and I don't know if I could handle conversations like that any better.

That made me think: is telling small lies just social glue that most people are pushed to use, except for eloquent speakers and those who are cool enough as in genuinely-don't-give-a-damn and I'm just crippling myself further?

My recommendation is to watch the first two seasons of My Little Pony Friendship is Magic and also join an in-person Toastmasters group. Those helped clear up my social obliviousness, which is from literal diagnosed autism.

Could you expand a bit on how MLP helped you?

I must admit my impression of connection between watching MLP (well, as an adult male) and social obliviousness is not a positive one, but I also admit there is a heavy selection effect there (in the same way that my impression of people on anti-anxiety medication would likely be them being more anxious than the average person, even if the medication is quite effective).

Certainly. When I first started watching, I was clinically depressed due to the emotional abuse from bad friends. I was also oblivious to many social norms due to autism, and was missing most social instincts most humans have.

The show helped me in three big ways:

  1. Depression: I found joy in once again watching a well-written adventure sitcom akin to DuckTales or TaleSpin which I’d grown up with. Most episodes were slice-of-life, some were adventures. Mostly it’s a comedy, but there is genuine drama. It’s an ensemble show, with one character as ostensible lead but not as the focus of the majority of episodes. Each main character has goals, fears, quirks, and strength of character; each one of them was fleshed out enough to be the star of her own show. While I was watching, the depression lifted; it was like microdosing ecstasy, from what I hear. The depression lifted enough for me to finish my college degree after four years away from school, and that got me the third best job I’ve ever had, where I worked for the past ten years.

  2. Social instincts: The show touted its philosophical core, The Elements of Harmony, five relationship virtues no relationship can survive without. Honesty, Loyalty, Kindness, Generosity, and Laughter were what my world revolved around for the next few years. I was able to examine my past and present relationships to see what was lacking, and I found all the bad memories of my bad friends were traceable to an injury to an Element. My family relationships blossomed as I sought to add Elements consciously. Curiously, many of my symptoms of autism disappeared; I think the Elements became a prosthetic set of instincts to replace what I’d been oblivious to.

  3. Social norms: The show featured inherently silly people, in the form of small and colorful horses, in a generally realistic rural town modeled after Ohio. They had to deal with jobs, groceries, school, free time vs hobbies, small business ups and downs, grad student life, and more. They displayed pretty standard social norms, when they weren’t being silly. It became something for me to model. I planned and ran a really nice graduation party for a friend of mine, and everyone thought it was a huge success. I couldn’t have done it as easily without the show’s guidance.

When I started watching, I never expected to become a hardcore fan. Yet it has been a net positive in my life since that day, and I don’t regret a minute of it.

Thank you for explaining, that makes a lot of sense and I can see how it was very helpful to your situation.