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Wellness Wednesday for May 3, 2023

The Wednesday Wellness threads are meant to encourage users to ask for and provide advice and motivation to improve their lives. It isn't intended as a 'containment thread' and any content which could go here could instead be posted in its own thread. You could post:

  • Requests for advice and / or encouragement. On basically any topic and for any scale of problem.

  • Updates to let us know how you are doing. This provides valuable feedback on past advice / encouragement and will hopefully make people feel a little more motivated to follow through. If you want to be reminded to post your update, see the post titled 'update reminders', below.

  • Advice. This can be in response to a request for advice or just something that you think could be generally useful for many people here.

  • Encouragement. Probably best directed at specific users, but if you feel like just encouraging people in general I don't think anyone is going to object. I don't think I really need to say this, but just to be clear; encouragement should have a generally positive tone and not shame people (if people feel that shame might be an effective tool for motivating people, please discuss this so we can form a group consensus on how to use it rather than just trying it).

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I feel as if I am extremely unattractive due to autism and subpar physical appearance; while I have friends, dating has been almost impossible for me. While I have solid career prospects as a medical student, I believe that it is very unlikely that I will ever have an average partner. I do not think that any remotely "good" outcome is remotely realistic; at this point, it is about picking the least bad option, rather than a nonexistent and fundamentally unrealistic "good" option...at the end of the day, it has become abundantly clear to me that it is about deciding where I want the ambulances, or the lights and sirens: what institution will my partner be in and out of?

Given this: is there any set of skills that I might benefit from learning in order to be not only a good father and husband but nurse and caretaker for a partner? I know that my medical education will give me the technical skills to handle it, but medical school does not teach how to merge the roles of partner and caregiver. She might be 400 pounds and a sprained ankle away from immobility - and that is honestly one of the better things that could happen. It beats things like looking the other way at alcoholism or drug addiction. Yes, I am aware that there is "a hell of a lot of 'average' out there between prom queen and obese drug addict" but average is deeply unrealistic for me. That ain't happening any more than I'm going to discover some hidden, great athletic talent and start playing baseball for the Yankees, or compete in the Olympics.

How might I plan for things like 'my wife needs home health aides at age 45 because she can't take care of herself' or how to deal with my kids' (justifiable) disappointment at or anger at their mom because she literally ate up their college fund, or because there were a lot of experiences that they simply could not have because of their mother's size? It'd be the same way with anything else...if it was drug addiction, you've got the same problems plus or minus issues with law enforcement. If it was something like mental illness that manifested itself through terrible life choices and abuse, that'd be even worse.

In addition: how might I advertise that I am willing to go on this journey with someone: to sit by their side in the hospital because they've had a pulmonary embolism at 29. To look at wheelchairs and walkers with them in their thirties. To be their nurse and caretaker - or to work hard at medicine to earn enough to pay home health aides. How might I signal that I am not only able but willing to be that kind of caretaker?

You're a med student, so you'll eventually have some money. Spend it fixing your shit. Get a personal trainer, stylist, and a shrink. You'd be amazed how quickly you're qualified for a partner who's not terrible. Brilliant supermodel? Maybe not. Average weight, socially acceptable normie? Achievable. Your dating appeal will increase monotonically for the next ten plus years as long as you're not getting fatter, and even then. In the wise words of Peter Griffin, "Men aren't fat, only fat women are fat." https://youtube.com/watch?v=nulGvzYkDoQ

You seem extremely optimistic. I've seen short guys built like Greek gods that were with morbidly obese women. A Special Forces colonel with a wife that was an abusive shitbag. Like. I just want someone that's got an excellent chance of being able to wipe their own butt at 60 and live independently. That's it. Just...don't be abusive to me or any kids we have, and be able to live independently till 60.

Eh...I know eight short guys. Four have had partners that I know of; four have not.

  • Special Forces colonel. Wound up with a pretty wife that turned out to be an abusive sack of shit.

  • Two guys that were built like Greek gods. Think physique bodybuilding competitor. Morbidly obese partners; they were decent human beings as far as I know.

  • Future neurosurgeon. Charismatic enough for a career in politics. Has an average-looking fiancee with a decent career.

I know a few short medical students and residents that can't get dates. Family med doc with average charisma and 5'4" ain't enough to get a partner that isn't morbidly obese, unless you're like top 0.1 percent charisma...and if you are that charismatic, medicine's an interesting choice.

I see absolutely nothing wrong with this; selecting some men by lot to be nurses and caretakers for women who need them - whether through bad choices or bad luck - doesn't seem like a terrible system to have going.