The Wednesday Wellness threads are meant to encourage users to ask for and provide advice and motivation to improve their lives. It isn't intended as a 'containment thread' and any content which could go here could instead be posted in its own thread. You could post:
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Notes -
I have more updates from a previous situation. Things have escalated in a direction that I feel this may be more appropriate as an /r/drama post, but I don't go to such places, so I am here to share with you again.
Here was my last update
https://www.themotte.org/post/616/wellness-wednesday-for-august-2-2023/126205?context=8#context
What happened this week is that she posted in a facebook group of "World [obscure sport] players"
I am only minorly editing with []s what she said for some privacy:
We had a flurry of messages among the board to discuss this. Eventually we got the only woman on the board (and by far the coolest head among us) to send her a message that we had removed a bunch of emails from the list of people that are not in the area, and are not dues paying members. The problem lady then took the post down from facebook a few hours after being told that.
One of the other things I learned is that she told another board member (the one she accused of fat-shaming) that our board had caused her tons of stress in the last month and led to her to the point of a failed suicide attempt. That board member has been consulting with a lawyer. I'm consulting with you all. I feel there might be a different level of quality in the advice we receive.
The board member who spoke with a lawyer is now suggesting we implement a code of conduct and probably some other sets of rules. I would rather avoid this and just fall on the grenade and kick her out. Or not explicitly ban her from practice, but just let her know that she is unwelcome, but allowed to attend.
This is probably the part where I need some advice, probably from a psychiatrist rather than a lawyer. I know I am supposed to feel guilty or bad that she might kill her self due to my words. And that even if she does not kill her self, she will certainly feel like crap and have her emotions badly hurt. But I simply do not care. I haven't been able to find a speck of caring in myself for her plight. I am only slightly worried about showing that I pretend to care, just so people don't think I'm a sociopath. (I'm also pretty sure I am not a sociopath, I can feel quite deeply for other people, I get secondary embarrassment quite easily, cry at movies, and have felt physically nauseous watching my daughters go through pain).
I am perhaps seeing this lady as an enemy. And I really have no sympathy for enemies. She hasn't done much of anything against me personally, aside from be mildly annoying (but I put up with lots of behaviors that I find annoying in others). But she has harmed and attacked people I think of as my allies or 'my people' members of the club I am responsible for, and fellow members of the board. I find that what she does to piss off the other around me infuriates me the most, and has drained any remaining sympathy I might have once had.
tagging @TheDag and @Walterodim since they commented on the last update.
She is almost certainly mentally ill and unstable. Her behavior at tournaments usually involves random bouts of sobbing mixed with high levels of self confidence in her own abilities.
I've certainly heard of this abuse tactic, and known a few people it has been deployed against.
It always surprises me though, because no one has ever deployed it against me. Same with psychopaths. I've run across a few in my time in life, but they always seem to abuse and take advantage of others.
I'd like to think that I don't put off good prey vibes for these people, but maybe its just been a matter of luck. I lean towards the prey vibes explanation though, because the people that tend to get abused seem to get abused repeatedly.
I am maybe the main advocate of kicking her out, but I feel that is mostly a result of how wishy washy our culture can be about handling problem people.
That is a good idea. Say that she needs to get her mental health under control.
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