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Culture War Roundup for the week of October 16, 2023

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What is even the middle ground between your (a) - looking for or working toward a serious relationship that can lead to marriage and (b) - being noncommittal and having, or trying to have, casual sex?

Serial Monogamy, and particularly cohabitation prior to marriage, that's what I'm arguing against. We're going to be arguing definitions and personal anecdata here, but there's nothing else to go off of. The whole concept of a "Long Term Relationship" that is not on a direct and planned path to marriage is that middle ground I'm arguing against. You phrased (a) as "a serious relationship that can lead to marriage," I phrased it as "on the path to getting married." That's a difference big enough to drive a truck through.

By "Path to Getting Married" I mean direct, short term, achievable (within two years) timelines and checkpoints that will lead to marriage. As in: next year, or when we graduate in two years. Not "Eh, maybe, eventually, in a few years, when I've got everything else in my life in order, I would consider starting to have a conversation about marriage." More like, before any commitment is made the conversation is had about what you're looking for, what the timeline is, and what the checkpoints are. We're distinguishing intent here, so arguably it is useless advice, but what I want is a ruthless look at whether you really plan on marrying someone, if you picture the rest of your life with them and no one else, and if not you should cut them out immediately. I'd argue most 20-somethings aren't in those kinds of relationships, they're in a series of vague sort-of long term relationships from 3 months to a year, that both parties sort of understand are unlikely to end in marriage but are good enough for right now; when they picture their lives they imagine they will have more of these kinds of relationships.

Maybe your friends were more direct, in which case I applaud them, I found that most of my friends got into multiple "serious" relationships over the course of their lives, and many (largely women) missed out on opportunities they turned down for a partner who wandered off anyway, or wasted their 20s on a series of losers and wound up hitting their 30s unhappily single when they would have preferred to have been married. Or moved across the country to stay with a girlfriend who ditched them. Or spent their college years doting on a sexually frigid girlfriend they didn't wind up marrying anyway when they could have been out at parties. Or moved in together, broke up, and got screwed on everything from leases to furniture to pets with no legal framework to determine who owned what. Or merged social circles, only to break up and make everything awkward as their independent friend groups had withered on the vine years ago.

Serial monogamy is a trap. It lures people into a false sense of chastity, it's ok if we're in a relationship and we love each other, what total bullshit, serial monogamy is temporal polygamy, your body count isn't discounted for saying you were dating. It lures people into a false sense of security, moving or making financial or social decisions based on a person who can disappear from your life with no obligations to you whatsoever. It lures people into making bad tradeoffs, the opportunity cost of investing in one person you don't end up with instead of enjoying pleasure, freedom, and choice. It makes people into liars, normalizes lying about one's intentions.

It is best if one is brutally honest. If one is looking for a casual encounter, whether sexual or merely someone to go to the movies with, say so. If one is looking for marriage, say so and under what circumstances it will occur, plot a course for marriage. Don't drift vaguely in the direction of marriage and hope you wash up on its shore (or worse, that you don't).

I'd argue most 20-somethings aren't in those kinds of relationships, they're in a series of vague sort-of long term relationships from 3 months to a year, that both parties sort of understand are unlikely to end in marriage but are good enough for right now; when they picture their lives they imagine they will have more of these kinds of relationships.

I know you married young, but in my experience this just isn’t true. Almost everyone I know in a long-term (certainly after 2+ years) relationship expects that they will marry that person unless something very surprising happens. They don’t picture that they will have many other relationships in their life, they’re expectant this will be the relationship that leads to marriage.

Serial monogamy is what trying to date seriously for marriage in modern secular culture looks like. You’re not particularly trad and have no problem with sex before marriage so I’m not even sure what you’re suggesting the difference is between dating for marriage and want most people who want a relationship are doing, really.

Serial monogamy is a trap. It lures people into a false sense of chastity, it's ok if we're in a relationship and we love each other, what total bullshit, serial monogamy is temporal polygamy, your body count isn't discounted for saying you were dating.

Is your body count discounted if you have an open relationship and sleep with others after you’re married? I’m surprised you’re commenting on a sense of chastity (I’m still curious about how you’d feel if your wife sought out a male lover, even for a one-night thing). I agree that serial monogamy can be an excuse for promiscuity, but that’s really because the term is broad enough to fit a large number of behaviors.

I’m surprised you’re commenting on a sense of chastity (I’m still curious about how you’d feel if your wife sought out a male lover, even for a one-night thing).

I don't particularly value chastity for myself, but many people do, and I want those people to be able to get what they want out of life. I eat meat, and basically can't get through four hours without dairy, but when I'm cooking for a vegan friend I do my best to make sure that what I'm serving allows them to stay within their beliefs. I've seen quite a lot of girls do the whole "Well it's ok to have sex if he says he loves me" thing, compromising their personal code of morals only to be disappointed over and over again, and find themselves in a quiet crisis by their mid to late 20s. A lot of people use the faux-commitment of a "Serious Relationship" to deal with their guilt over sex that they want to have. I'd like to see those people think about things honestly, and then decide to make love or to remain chaste on an honest, rather than a false, basis. Confront the realities of what is going, and see if you really believe that what you are doing is good. If you think it is, great, do it; if you think it isn't, don't.

As for my wife, if she said that her being free to seek out a male lover was a condition of our open relationship, we would then close the relationship and be monogamous. Our relationship structure has always been about what works for both of us and makes us both happy. I'm not pretending I'm some hyper-libidinous-alpha-Dionysus who needs fifteen lovers to be satisfied, I don't need anything extravagant but it's fun and if it makes everyone happy I have no problem taking it. I've been happily monogamous before and I will be again in the future.