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I have one big problem with my current relationship and I'm desperate. Basically since it has begun I've experienced constant low level pain and discomfort that increases when alone.
Before I've always had near perfect mental health which makes it worse. It's even made me consider breaking up with my girlfriend over it, despite everything else being great. None of my normal coping strategies work.
I'm having negative thoughts surrounding her previous relationships. Specifically that she has let herself be fucked by and been emotionally intimate with seemingly pathetic dudes and dudes in generall(very few though!!). It goes beyond that though and into general thoughts of inadequacy that make me want to receive constant reassurance that I'm the best she's ever had. Which I do know is true cognitively (I'm a chadlite, and have no trouble getting on dates with the rare Woman I actually meet and who interests me), but it's something I emotionally “forget” about. Again before this I would have considered myself an extremely self assured and level headed person.
These negative thoughts are plain making my quality of life worse and are a huge distraction.
Additional context: were both in our early twenties, this is my first serious relationship, not hers. I know we have great sex but for some reason I always desire assurance that it is the best she's ever had. (Which in a moment of weakness where I asked for it, she has given but it still leaves me feeling that even so the other guys did one particular thing better than me.)
Assume I'm not an idiot. Im fully aware I sound like an insecure wet noodle. Trust me, I'm not. I try my best to avoid annoying her with this and to communicate my feelings clearly. Despite successfully avoiding thinking about it, accepting the feeling and therapising myself, the disconnected pain still lingers
I'm looking for personal anecdotes and advice to help me understand what is happening.
You’re experiencing something that happens when you actually really like the person you’re with, which is fear of loss. Many people voluntarily (if subconsciously) stay in middling relationships for years because they’re more comfortable, because it doesn’t really matter what happens, because there’s a voice in your head saying “well if he cheats, or if he leaves me, I don’t really care”. This was me years ago, too.
The alternative is what you have now. Something where you care so much you actually experience the dread of loss. Where your partner getting sick and having medical tests done that could be something serious is as scary and painful as it happening to you, where being away from them hurts (at least at the beginning), where your mind is only happy to conjure up a thousand awful scenarios that result in your imminent or eventual heartbreak because it knows how invested it is and you are. That’s love. 🤷♀️
I do have a bad habit of trivializing the relationship around (non-mutual)friends, and implying I'm not that close to her, pretending that I might break up eventually soon. In actuality, I am however very committed.
I think the comments to my post are bringing me to the conclusion that these new and powerful emotions are just whizzing about waiting to be expressed in whatever way they can to be. Be it painful neuroses or positive feelings of longing and affection. So I guess it's back to waiting for the tide to wash over me. It has been slowly and steadily getting better, I think.
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