The Wednesday Wellness threads are meant to encourage users to ask for and provide advice and motivation to improve their lives. It isn't intended as a 'containment thread' and any content which could go here could instead be posted in its own thread. You could post:
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I have one big problem with my current relationship and I'm desperate. Basically since it has begun I've experienced constant low level pain and discomfort that increases when alone.
Before I've always had near perfect mental health which makes it worse. It's even made me consider breaking up with my girlfriend over it, despite everything else being great. None of my normal coping strategies work.
I'm having negative thoughts surrounding her previous relationships. Specifically that she has let herself be fucked by and been emotionally intimate with seemingly pathetic dudes and dudes in generall(very few though!!). It goes beyond that though and into general thoughts of inadequacy that make me want to receive constant reassurance that I'm the best she's ever had. Which I do know is true cognitively (I'm a chadlite, and have no trouble getting on dates with the rare Woman I actually meet and who interests me), but it's something I emotionally “forget” about. Again before this I would have considered myself an extremely self assured and level headed person.
These negative thoughts are plain making my quality of life worse and are a huge distraction.
Additional context: were both in our early twenties, this is my first serious relationship, not hers. I know we have great sex but for some reason I always desire assurance that it is the best she's ever had. (Which in a moment of weakness where I asked for it, she has given but it still leaves me feeling that even so the other guys did one particular thing better than me.)
Assume I'm not an idiot. Im fully aware I sound like an insecure wet noodle. Trust me, I'm not. I try my best to avoid annoying her with this and to communicate my feelings clearly. Despite successfully avoiding thinking about it, accepting the feeling and therapising myself, the disconnected pain still lingers
I'm looking for personal anecdotes and advice to help me understand what is happening.
First I want to assure you that this is normal. I've had a lot of friends who felt this way, I recall a buddy of mine telling me specifically that he would only ever date virgins for that reason. Everything @2rafa said.
Second, do not bring this up to her. You will end up in a weird morass. Don't ask her to tell you you're the best, you won't believe her anyway, you will convince yourself she is lying, that you're actually mediocre. It is too definite a statement to believe. Instead, focus on making sure she's letting you know that you're special. That you have value, that you do this or that really well. That's a normal human desire to carry, for both men and women.
Third, time is really the answer here. As y'all are together longer, the past will seem smaller, less important. I once woke up in college, still drunk, and called my now-wife by my ex-girlfriend's first name. Oh boy howdy did she get insecure about that. At the time, I'd dated the ex for a a year, and been with now-Mrs. FiveHour for two weeks. 12 years later, that year seems kind of insignificant. Especially with sex: a year from now your sex life with your partner will be better, you'll know the combination to that safe, and you will have time to play out fantasies and have experiences that neither of you had before. You won't need to ask if you are the best, if you're special, you'll know.
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