The Wednesday Wellness threads are meant to encourage users to ask for and provide advice and motivation to improve their lives. It isn't intended as a 'containment thread' and any content which could go here could instead be posted in its own thread. You could post:
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Requests for advice and / or encouragement. On basically any topic and for any scale of problem.
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I have one big problem with my current relationship and I'm desperate. Basically since it has begun I've experienced constant low level pain and discomfort that increases when alone.
Before I've always had near perfect mental health which makes it worse. It's even made me consider breaking up with my girlfriend over it, despite everything else being great. None of my normal coping strategies work.
I'm having negative thoughts surrounding her previous relationships. Specifically that she has let herself be fucked by and been emotionally intimate with seemingly pathetic dudes and dudes in generall(very few though!!). It goes beyond that though and into general thoughts of inadequacy that make me want to receive constant reassurance that I'm the best she's ever had. Which I do know is true cognitively (I'm a chadlite, and have no trouble getting on dates with the rare Woman I actually meet and who interests me), but it's something I emotionally “forget” about. Again before this I would have considered myself an extremely self assured and level headed person.
These negative thoughts are plain making my quality of life worse and are a huge distraction.
Additional context: were both in our early twenties, this is my first serious relationship, not hers. I know we have great sex but for some reason I always desire assurance that it is the best she's ever had. (Which in a moment of weakness where I asked for it, she has given but it still leaves me feeling that even so the other guys did one particular thing better than me.)
Assume I'm not an idiot. Im fully aware I sound like an insecure wet noodle. Trust me, I'm not. I try my best to avoid annoying her with this and to communicate my feelings clearly. Despite successfully avoiding thinking about it, accepting the feeling and therapising myself, the disconnected pain still lingers
I'm looking for personal anecdotes and advice to help me understand what is happening.
If it helps, you can try reframing things mentally as you being a step up from the previous losers when she realized her worth/understood that they weren't good enough for her. Which might well be true, I knew plenty of women who were with boyfriends who seemed frankly subpar, and I even loved some of them (the girls, not the boyfriends).
I have the same thing in reverse (not that I experience the same degree of mental suffering, more mental groaning) when I learn about the kinds of guys my ex (amicably separated for unavoidable reasons) dated/slept with after me. 40 yo divorcees, 35 yo men who suddenly asked if she was OK with an open relationship, broke-ass starving artists. But that's more from concern about her wellbeing and future happiness, and only slightly because it makes me feel like she lacked standards when we were together (she was actually rather picky and turned down loads of guys, including my best friend at the time). It did, however, convince me that women do have a harder time than you might naively think finding decent dates or longterm prospects even after dating apps offer an endless cock buffet. I would be much happier for her if she found a decent guy to settle down with, though I can't really offer myself. Even if it couldn't work out in the long run, she deserves better.
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