The Wednesday Wellness threads are meant to encourage users to ask for and provide advice and motivation to improve their lives. It isn't intended as a 'containment thread' and any content which could go here could instead be posted in its own thread. You could post:
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Requests for advice and / or encouragement. On basically any topic and for any scale of problem.
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Advice. This can be in response to a request for advice or just something that you think could be generally useful for many people here.
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I have one big problem with my current relationship and I'm desperate. Basically since it has begun I've experienced constant low level pain and discomfort that increases when alone.
Before I've always had near perfect mental health which makes it worse. It's even made me consider breaking up with my girlfriend over it, despite everything else being great. None of my normal coping strategies work.
I'm having negative thoughts surrounding her previous relationships. Specifically that she has let herself be fucked by and been emotionally intimate with seemingly pathetic dudes and dudes in generall(very few though!!). It goes beyond that though and into general thoughts of inadequacy that make me want to receive constant reassurance that I'm the best she's ever had. Which I do know is true cognitively (I'm a chadlite, and have no trouble getting on dates with the rare Woman I actually meet and who interests me), but it's something I emotionally “forget” about. Again before this I would have considered myself an extremely self assured and level headed person.
These negative thoughts are plain making my quality of life worse and are a huge distraction.
Additional context: were both in our early twenties, this is my first serious relationship, not hers. I know we have great sex but for some reason I always desire assurance that it is the best she's ever had. (Which in a moment of weakness where I asked for it, she has given but it still leaves me feeling that even so the other guys did one particular thing better than me.)
Assume I'm not an idiot. Im fully aware I sound like an insecure wet noodle. Trust me, I'm not. I try my best to avoid annoying her with this and to communicate my feelings clearly. Despite successfully avoiding thinking about it, accepting the feeling and therapising myself, the disconnected pain still lingers
I'm looking for personal anecdotes and advice to help me understand what is happening.
Tactical advice:
Don't bring this up with your partner. Insecurity kills relationships. If you don't talk about it, will it still manifest in other actions and behaviors? Maybe. But actively talking about it is certainly a powerful catalyst.
But forget the Tactical advice. When you start seeing relationships as a game with tactics you're missing the point. Sure, you can "win" them, but you're no longer in a relationship. This is what the Tate-style redpillers don't get.
My more earnest advice is to start the long, gradual, and difficult process of ceasing to look for personal validation from other people. That's an emotional addiction cycle you don't want to start. This does not mean falling into the grotesque postmodern mindset of demanding the world accept and celebrate you - warts and all. You need to continue to use the feedback from other people as a gauge on your own behavior or decision making. But not essential self-worth I know it may sound a little squishy and almost like a semantic quibble. The distinction is powerful. You have intrinsic value as a human, and you have control over your behavior and decisions. Use feedback from others to improve that behavior (according to your own well defined moral code) while maintaining a base level of self-validation based mostly on personal adherence to a virtuous moral code. This will take you through even the craziest extremes of poverty/wealth, sickness/health, social esteem / banishment. (Side note: I'm not recommending anything like the "Sigma Male" bullshit. Be a responsible and productive member of your community)
The old adage is that "women like a man with confidence." If you're constantly opening that core level self-validation in hopes the world will support it, you have zero self-developed confidence. If, on the other hand, you're an obstinate, arrogant asshole, you're failing to incorporate meaningful feedback from others and continue patterns of behavior that are anti-social, exploitative, etc. One of the best compliments I ever received was from a girl (ironically, that I wasn't sleeping with ...and never did);
"I can call you on your bullshit and you'll acknowledge it, but you won't immediately change up because I said something. You know who you are."
If you're worrying about your sexual performance in relation to past lovers, then you don't know who you are absolutely; you're seeking validation in a relative-identity way ("where do I rank on this list?"). You can get to the place of "I do sex real good" without reference to anyone else. If you truly do believe that, it'll show through in your behavior.
Wow this is a great write up with genuine and classic advice. Love to see it
Make sure you smash that like button.
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