George_E_Hale
insufferable blowhard
The things you lean on / are things that don't last
User ID: 107
George_E_Hale
insufferable blowhard
1d ago
One reason I asked here (in this forum) is that in Japan you never know what the hell the group reaction is unless you are finely tuned to the group, and in this case the group is varied enough and one-scene enough (just this gym) that I cannot calibrate their microexpressions, etc. In other words everyone ignores his oOOOomphs and Ragghhhhhs except me, and I don't know anyone well enough to know if they are equally fazed. As I say this is a dude who doesn't really interact with the normal pleasantries.
George_E_Hale
insufferable blowhard
2d ago
The music is always godawful, but I have a thing against blocking out ambient noise in a public space. I know that is not normal.
It's interesting if this dude wants attention, because he seems so un-selfaware that he also seems unaware of everyone else. I suspect some sort of autistic tendency but whatever. I'll probably just fucking deal with it. (Also not to awooga again but the siren-y girl only showed up once, thank the Olympians.)
George_E_Hale
insufferable blowhard
2d ago
Awoogaposting, that's a new one for me. Also I didn't realize I had a tendency to make such posts. So much for self-awareness.
here in America I don't think this behavior is outside the norm
Good to know. Probably the guy's general selfish obliviousness (as if the gym is his living room) is the little drop of Retsyn that makes his grunting irritating.
A question for the gym-goers here: Do you make all sorts of grunting noises when lifting?
That's the question and basically that's the only question, but to explain why I am asking it, the following:
I go to a local gym three times a week. There is newly-opened Anytime Fitness about 3 minutes from my house that replaced what used to be a conveyor-belt sushi restaurant. I've been in it and they did a good job of revamping it, but the price of membership is not cheap and anyway gyms are almost impossible to quit here (that is a boring story I will not tell.) So I continue to go to the old-man, almost-free gym which is a bike ride or a 15 minute walk through the park away.
You tend to see the usual people at my gym. Meaning, the same healthy Japanese people almost every time. It depends on when you go, true, but not always. Mostly you see old men, some really old men, some men who look older than me* but probably aren't, a few old/older women, and occasionally teenage or 20 something guys who for some reason do not go to a cooler venue. One fattish late teens girl who does a lot of staring at her phone for some reason goes there and is always given a torrent of advice on her lifting form by one old guy. She seems to appreciate every word from his mouth but I have my doubts. People are usually friendly to one another--a nod, a chat, some of them seem to like talking. I do not. Once a 20-something guy came in, having brought with him with a girl of similar age, except she was wearing some sort of black latex body suit but without the modesty shorts--she was also gorgeous, brown hair up in this ponytail, and it was as if the clothing she were wearing had been designed expressly for her, designed solely to showcase her youthful perfection in all its...perfection, yeah I can't even find words, it was a moment--and I nearly walked over to the guy and asked "What the fuck do you think you're doing?" Very bad form bringing a shockingly gorgeous girl to an old man gym. For a moment I felt like a grizzled Muslim dropped unprepared on Miami beach.
To the point: There is one guy in particular at this gym, he lifts pretty heavy, he is the kind of dude who has two things going on--one set of reps he is doing at the bench press, but he also tries to monopolize the leg curl machine, etc. He does not talk or greet, nor does he bow when entering or leaving (strictly not necessary as this isn't a martial art, but most of us do it anyway). This guy, when lifting (and I don't think he has great form) always makes noises like something out of Forrest Gump when the guy is banging Forrest's mom upstairs. I cannot reproduce the sounds on keyboard. Like a man lifting a sofa but then his back goes out and he groans in distress. Except he does not groan once. He keeps rhythmically groaning and huffing. Yesterday he had the 50kg dumbbells in each hand and was doing a dumbbell bench press with each (he did not get all the way up, at least when I saw him) and it was only at this moment that I expected a grunt--but nothing. No. He saved the grunts for later when he was using the full bar to bench and kept raising it like 5-inches, and lowering it, and raising it again, like miniature reps. Maybe this is a thing. But each rep came with its own damned grunt. And I do not mean "damned" in the normal way. I mean that each grunt was of the pit, was curséd, like the speech of Mordor.
I get moving really heavy weight sometimes there is an involuntary grunt of effort. Like when pushing a truck out of the mud with your buddies. But god this guy's constant utterances annoy. What is the proper etiquette, if any, for gym grunts?
*I know that should be "older than I" but I can't bring myself to write it.
George_E_Hale
insufferable blowhard
11d ago
Hmmm, street walking, were you? (Scribbles note)
George_E_Hale
insufferable blowhard
11d ago
It's typically the telling as much as the content itself that provides insight n Freudian dream analysis.
George_E_Hale
insufferable blowhard
11d ago
I resisted anything suggested by my parents. It had to be organic, something I arrived at on my own. Perhaps a bit of mentalizing him without being direct. And it wasn't just because of parental pushing, or that it was organized. (In fact I liked organization.) It was a paralyzing fear of being around a bunch of people I didn't know. Again, who knows if that's key. But there are again ways of easing him into social interaction.
George_E_Hale
insufferable blowhard
12d ago
That's what my brief look-up said, and it also said what I mentioned, e.g. that this is not a clinical term.
George_E_Hale
insufferable blowhard
12d ago
Thank you for responding. You bring up a good point--when I mentioned that dad is the model, I did not mention or consider (though it is relevant) the idea of genetics. In some ways I see my wife in both our sons--my oldest seems to have no concept of how to be on time, for example, which is a trait my wife (though she is Japanese, thus against stereotype) has, while I am nearly always very early for everything.
So in your case Junior is a chip off the old angry block?
Again, the vagueness of your description makes the advice here very reddit-y (i.e. useless) because no one here knows what's going on. Reading the tea leaves and pattern-matching to our own experience can only go so far. It's true, as others have said, boys need outlets, boys need male role models (see my earlier post alluding to my What Would Dad Do? tendencies) and if your son doesn't have any that's something you should consider--though much of modern mainstream society tells us lesbian couples and villages of women are perfectly capable of raising non-toxic males who will wash the dishes, never raise their voices, and help mom replace the carburetor and caulk the bathroom tiles when needed (I'm showing my age referencing carburetors), I would bet large amounts of money that this is a myth. A boy needs some sort of male figure in his life and on a regular basis, preferably way more than one. (This could be uncles, or even trustworthy neighbors, coaches, youth pastors, older brothers, etc.) Usually life takes care of this on its own due to family juxtaposition, or--at least when I was in school--the way boys are filtered into groups of boys doing sports and girls into girls doing sports. I have no idea what happens now. (Do girls play in shirts and skins games?)
I am not suggesting to throw him back in with a man you consider volatile and unstable (again, I'm relying on your adjectives, no one here can truly read your situation. You could be either an over-reactive shrew or a knowing Cassandra, you've a small comment count so it's hard to know.) But it's something @Iconochasm has already suggested: male role models.
Is this going to be an insta-fix? Probably not. Good start, though. I'd agree that even the very best-case scenario with medication and a lot of caring female souls around him would be that you create a docile male who stays home a lot, has para-social relationships with Youtubers he never meets, and will double check with you if he's wearing the right shirt, at age twenty. Which, hey, I think a lot of women want that. I'd argue that that's not an ideal outcome.
Is he interested in any sports? I'm not saying throw him in football if he's 130 pounds, but even someone at 130 lbs can run track or play tennis or pickleball or join the swim team. You'll see a difference if he's regularly exerting himself physically. Again, though, mom needling him "Get up and do sports!" is a recipe for a backdraft explosion. Ideally he would have dudes who are friends joining sports teams. Parenting can be hard.
I had to look up AuDHD. From what I am reading, this is not actually considered a clinical diagnosis? It was referred to on one website as an "unofficial but popular" term. This bears consideration, as unofficial but popular smells of making-shit-up. (Though I am not a medical doctor or psychiatrist.)
George_E_Hale
insufferable blowhard
12d ago
Well certainly avoid physical confrontation or violence of any kind, though perhaps that's the idea--you'd like to be violent but the repercussions would be unavoidable.
Hard to answer without much more specific descriptions, unless you're casting about for permission to use manipulation and subterfuge to undermine this person. I'd personally avoid that route as well, though such strategies tend to get results. I'd argue the cost is one's soul but I tend toward dramatic statements, especially when sitting in a hospital waiting room for hours, as I'm doing now. (I'm not sick.)
George_E_Hale
insufferable blowhard
12d ago
Well normally I'd suggest a gin and tonic at this time of year, but the other comments are probably going to give a peace of mind with a more robust shelf life.
George_E_Hale
insufferable blowhard
12d ago
Two things I might offer.
-
a question. You mention he is "neurodivergent." That could mean many things, and you do not have to tell me any of them. But do you suspect this is what's the root of the issue, and that his anger is an artifact of this? That he is acting out anger in inappropriate ways due to an overreaction to stimuli that a less neurodivergent person would react to differently ? If so, that's a tougher issue.
-
Dad is a model of manhood, for better or worse. Many men I know consciously try to be UNlike their fathers (in my mind they fail mostly). But I for example try to be a lot like my dad in terms of temperament. I can remember what would set him off and when. He never really lost his temper--where I have regularly lost mine. I have shown anger in front of my sons in ways he never did, but I have his model to sort of steer me back to how I would like to be. But if 1) is the issue my 2) might again be less relevant. If your son is overreacting to benign stimuli that's going to take more work. I will say that you as the mother are not the model, so there's that. You're more the model of how he will view women.
Heavy exercise is great, sports are great ways to exhaust the body and vent. I agree with whoever already said that. I have two teenage boys.
Finally, I can't comment on your school system in any way but the most vague generalizations, but school has been in some ways always stifling of boys, to varying degrees. Your write-up isn't specific enough for me to know if that's what's going on. I'm pulled back to the word neurodivergent however and wonder if there's more going on.
George_E_Hale
insufferable blowhard
14d ago
Earth is large, but finite. Eventually you'll squeeze all the novelty out of it.
If you are suggesting that this is possible for any one person, I would be extremely surprised if you believe it. There is such a vast amount to be experienced and learned even within one town, to say nothing of a larger city, a whole country, bordering countries, or faraway countries--and this is just in the natural world and not even considering the variousness of people--that there isn't any way for a singular individual in one lifetime to "squeeze the novelty" out of it all, unless one is very very quickly given to boredom or incuriosity. I understand though that this is a matter of personal disposition.
George_E_Hale
insufferable blowhard
16d ago
Faking AI-generated video/images. In other words someone somewhere will film/capture something but for reasons of legality, morality, or popularity will claim that the captured moment/thing is AI-generated, when it is not, in fact, AI-generated. To some degree you already have people pretending to be robots, so this, only more so.
George_E_Hale
insufferable blowhard
16d ago
When I was an undergrad I was a runner and would sometimes run through campus. I would occasionally get hot enough that I'd remove my shirt and tie it around my waist. More than once, cars of females would hoot at me with varying degrees of fervor. I never quite believed that they were seriously going for any sort of praise --more like taking the piss. I wasn't sure. I have never related this to anyone. But this was a long time ago. Today if we were in the UK I wonder if those sorority girls would be arrested.
George_E_Hale
insufferable blowhard
18d ago
Have you flipped sajjano and durjano on purpose or am I not deep enough?
It's an appositive a participial phrase and isn't wrong in any way. I suspect OP could have chosen a better example.
Edit: The issue is with the hefting I suppose. Probably wielding would be better.
George_E_Hale
insufferable blowhard
19d ago
It is a time-honored strategy and I make no judgment. As I say in an encouragement thread it's less easy to comment on what is essentially an empty screen. I realize not everyone approaches the Motte quite how I do--I who may as well be using my SSN government issued ID number as username (though it's true my name is not George ).
George_E_Hale
insufferable blowhard
20d ago
You've an interesting post and edit history. I only write this as it's hard for me to comment or interact in any genuine way (in this type of encouragement thread) with post-ers who appear to redact / obfuscate everything they post.
Anyway, yes, survival is a good first goal.
George_E_Hale
insufferable blowhard
25d ago
Patmos is off the beaten path, accessible by ferry, and for me at least had some religious significance. The small shrine of St John is pretty touristy, or seemed so 35 years ago. Of course I'm not sure how the recent fires have affected the island.
George_E_Hale
insufferable blowhard
28d ago
Shouldn't that be あんど
but I am sensing a whooshing sound going past my ears here.
George_E_Hale
insufferable blowhard
28d ago
As a Kansai resident I will say it does not code feminine here, though I can't speak for all of Japan obviously. Men routinely use わ in Kansai dialect, which is in general considered a rougher way of speaking than Kanto ben.
George_E_Hale
insufferable blowhard
29d ago
I laughed out loud at this, thanks. Nothing moves the literary soul quite as deeply as thoughts written in all caps.
George_E_Hale
insufferable blowhard
29d ago
I wouldn't discount the possibility that even now he has somewhere an alt that will pick up his ball and keep running for the goal. I do not write this based on some knowledge of his character, just that this is a time-worn strategy of many who get banned.
Older than I (am) is the correct form, prescriptively, but usage varies, per your point.
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