janeerie
Normie quokka
User ID: 713
janeerie
10mo ago
Perhaps another way of phrasing this is that if you look at the set of humans throughout history, the ones who have traditionally been able to self-actualize have been men. This does not mean all men were in this position, but woman were much more limited in their opportunities to do so. There was a ceiling that men could surpass and women could not. Pointing out that many men were stuck in their position doesn't contradict that.
The original prompt for this discussion (and the context for my comment) was "How has the reduction of the strictness of roles that modernity has brought on improved things for people?" My answer to that was that is has removed the ceiling for women. I can now go to University, pursue my chosen profession, control my own finances, etc. 19th century me would not have had these options.
janeerie
7d ago
My husband's parents live with us, and I am going a little nuts dealing with his mother. She is 81, obese, and can barely walk at this point. She sleeps about 16 hours a day, and there are many days that will go by without her coming upstairs (their bedroom and tv room are in the basement). And yet, I can see her going on like this for another 10 years or so. Hooray for modern medicine!
I have to remind myself to detach emotionally and not get frustrated with her. But what particularly bothers me is how it limits the life of my father-in-law. He used to have a job at the grocery store that he loved, but she didn't like being alone, so he quit and now just sits and watches tv with her all day. We're trying to plan a trip to Spain (where he's from), but have to figure out what to do with her because she refuses to go.
I guess I'm struggling to figure out how much of this is coming from her body not working anymore, and how much is just depression (she did spend some time in a mental hospital about 15 years ago and is on Lexapro, which doesn't seem to be doing much). And what do you do when somebody is unwilling to make any moves to help themselves get something out of life? She's just waiting around to die at this point and I hate watching it.
janeerie
10mo ago
The story of my life, and it's a great recipe for developing health anxiety. Mass media stories about health conditions are the worst. Oh, women's heart attacks sometimes just present as back pain? Guess I'll freak out every time my shoulder hurts then!
janeerie
6mo ago
I had this since I was a little girl. I don't think there's anything terribly strange about it; childbirth is an extremely painful and scary process. I don' t know that it was the main reason I didn't want to have children, but it was in the mix. When I decided I did want to have a child, it was because the pro reasons finally outweighed the cons.
I ended up having a natural birth. It was traumatic but I got through, though I wasn't interested in doing it again. A few months later, a friend of mine died in childbirth. Like I said, this shit is scary and it's pretty reasonable to be afraid of it.
janeerie
8mo ago
I'm a married mom who hangs out here, and I've lately been enjoying Megan Daum's Unspeakeasy forum. It's expensive, but often feels like The Motte for Her. Of course, the posts aren't quite so long because we have shit to do :D
janeerie
3mo ago
I'm curious what your current job is? I think the best course would be to do something along those lines as a freelancer, but I suppose that's not possible for all professions.
My mom was a SAHM and did a lot of volunteer work, which I always thought would be a nice choice if I had to go that way. It can be a good way to pick up skills that will come in handy later.
janeerie
5mo ago
It's so interesting that you and JulianRota say that this person is unlikely to work with a trans person. Perhaps it depends on what industry you are in, but in tech I've worked with quite a few trans women. Go to a "women in tech" conference and it will be half the crowd (ok, not really, but it sometimes feels like it).
I have not worked with any trans men, so it's likely they are all in non-profits somewhere.
janeerie
11mo ago
I would be interested in #4. I am in a divided marriage and I don't see many people even attempting it anymore. I was pregnant in 2016, which is probably the main thing that kept us together during the Trump madness.
janeerie
8mo ago
It's not anonymous, which means everybody treats each other as human and there's more of a sense of a community. I'd say the overarching mood is anti-woke, but there's no lockstep thinking and any disagreement is done with respect. Also, while there is a good amount of culture war discussion, any topic is welcome and gets decent engagement.
Not sure where you live, but there are also in-person meetups (along with the official Unspeakeasy retreats).
janeerie
6d ago
Oh, that is so sad. Alzheimers is an absolute nightmare.
We are currently planning to send her to my sister-in-law, which we have done in the past when my father-in-law goes to Spain (he tries to go once a year). For the first time though, she is putting up a fuss about going and I can't get a clear answer why.
janeerie
6d ago
I was quite eager to bring them in because his father is a huge help to us, helping with the childcare and doing our cooking. It's just the mother slug that bothers me on a conceptual level, but I don't have to do anything to take care of her.
When we first had our son we lived several states away from any family, and it's really hard to do child-rearing without any family support. I'm sure it will become more difficult as they get older, but for now it's actually a pretty great situation. I just hate to watch somebody waste their life!
janeerie
7mo ago
WTF is the Hock? Every time you mention it here, I google it and only learn about horse legs.
janeerie
8mo ago
Hi, I'm your wife.
Well, not really, but you sound just like my husband. I don't assign him tasks because he's not my child, but I hate that I have to do most things myself.
Why don't you just do stuff when it needs to be done? It's very easy to say "It doesn't need to be done now; I'll get to it later." My father-in-law does this all the time also. But then these things never actually get done. As with the example of the plane tickets, the sooner you buy them the better, so you should do it as soon as your travel plans are finalized.
It seems you understand this and the real question is how to make yourself do things, but the only answer to that is to just do them. I'm very curious why this is a stumbling block. Do you think of tasks and just have other things you'd rather do? How important are those other things? Do you just forget about tasks (in which case you need to be ok with your wife reminding you)?
janeerie
11mo ago
I love the Producers theory and I would love to see a movie made one day of this scenario.
janeerie
13d ago
About a month after I met my husband, I got a great job offer that would have required me to move out of state. I turned it down because it had been a long time since I had met anybody I liked as much as him. A lot can happen in a month!
janeerie
6mo ago
It's funny - there are many women who are offended by the very idea of artificial wombs, to the point where I think it's a minority position to be ok with them. I have a hard time understanding that.
janeerie
8mo ago
I joined at launch (when it was $100) because I was familiar with Megan and really liked her work. The membership roster is definitely journalist-heavy, which implies a network effect.
janeerie
4mo ago
It's funny - I think of that garden often and it even shows up in my dreams. I don't remember much of the plot of that section of the book, but I made quite a mental picture of that garden!
janeerie
7mo ago
Caviezel is into QAnon and believes the elite cabal are extracting adrenochrome from children through torture. So the connection is not spurious.
janeerie
8mo ago
Yeah, the ticket thing is a real "it depends" situation, but generally good to get on it sooner and have a plan (I would love to see a post from you on how to decide when to buy).
Deciding what actually needs to get done is another tricky one, going back to the age-old conflict of people with different standards of cleanliness. I don't think I'm too much of a clean freak, but I do think that visible dirt and stains on the floor should be cleaned up. I am apparently alone in my household in thinking this, so I have to clean them up. It's very easy for family members/roommates to coast on the back of the person who is most bothered by dirt and clutter.
I suppose you could make an argument that dirt and clutter are not objectively bad, and I'm not sure I'd have a really great counter-argument at hand, but it's hard for me personally to live with it.
janeerie
8mo ago
Yeah, it seems to be quite a bit easier for widowers to remarry, and they are more motivated to remarry than widows. My best friend and I both lost our mothers when we were young and our dads quickly remarried—I think because they wanted someone to take care of the kids. I'd be surprised if single fathers are even really a thing.
janeerie
11mo ago
One thing I'm curious about is if you ever have trouble getting your child to listen to you and follow through on the work. My son lives in mortal fear of disappointing his teacher, which serves us well, but I feel like I would end up in a constant battle of wills if I was teaching him. Just trying to get him to do extra practice on things at home is like pulling teeth.
janeerie
21d ago
I'm the same - I enjoyed it for a couple of years in college and then it just became a panic attack trigger. I'm always amazed that some people are able to use it as a treatment for anxiety.
That paperwork comment made me laugh out loud. Yes, if my husband and I were approaching divorce, I would have to initiate the formal process. Just like I do our taxes, pay our bills, handle all the child's appointments, plan our travel, etc.
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