janeerie
Normie quokka
User ID: 713
janeerie
10mo ago
Perhaps another way of phrasing this is that if you look at the set of humans throughout history, the ones who have traditionally been able to self-actualize have been men. This does not mean all men were in this position, but woman were much more limited in their opportunities to do so. There was a ceiling that men could surpass and women could not. Pointing out that many men were stuck in their position doesn't contradict that.
The original prompt for this discussion (and the context for my comment) was "How has the reduction of the strictness of roles that modernity has brought on improved things for people?" My answer to that was that is has removed the ceiling for women. I can now go to University, pursue my chosen profession, control my own finances, etc. 19th century me would not have had these options.
janeerie
1yr ago
This might vary depending on how much you generally identify with characters in movies/shows. I get really immersed when watching something, and that immersion gets stronger for characters who I feel similarity to. For example, if I'm watching a show where a woman is fighting, I feel it in my body. Watching a show where men are fighting, I'm just an observer.
The experience is just fundamentally different for me, aside from any political/societal concerns.
janeerie
1yr ago
Women tend to score higher on conscientiousness than men, and voting is a boring activity that requires planning and deferred gratification.
I know in my house, my husband’s mail-in ballot would never make it out the door without my prodding (even though I know his vote will undo mine).
janeerie
1yr ago
There is no "the one." You just decide to commit yourself to this person to build something bigger than yourselves. There will probably be times when you doubt your choice, but then you just have to recommit and move forward.
The whirlwind emotions you describe, while nice, are not the foundation of a marriage. It sounds like you and this woman would build a lovely life together.
janeerie
10mo ago
The story of my life, and it's a great recipe for developing health anxiety. Mass media stories about health conditions are the worst. Oh, women's heart attacks sometimes just present as back pain? Guess I'll freak out every time my shoulder hurts then!
janeerie
6mo ago
I had this since I was a little girl. I don't think there's anything terribly strange about it; childbirth is an extremely painful and scary process. I don' t know that it was the main reason I didn't want to have children, but it was in the mix. When I decided I did want to have a child, it was because the pro reasons finally outweighed the cons.
I ended up having a natural birth. It was traumatic but I got through, though I wasn't interested in doing it again. A few months later, a friend of mine died in childbirth. Like I said, this shit is scary and it's pretty reasonable to be afraid of it.
janeerie
8mo ago
I'm a married mom who hangs out here, and I've lately been enjoying Megan Daum's Unspeakeasy forum. It's expensive, but often feels like The Motte for Her. Of course, the posts aren't quite so long because we have shit to do :D
janeerie
1yr ago
Just finished Bowman's The Mormon People. The book filled in a lot of gaps in my knowledge about how the Mormon religion operates and the history of Utah, which is helpful. But I'm still left with that feeling of "why do people believe this?"
This is not unique to my relationship with the Mormon religion. I grew up Methodist, loved it, and wish I could continue to be part of a religious community. I just couldn't get over the hump of having to believe things that quite clearly seemed not to be true (or didn't have any convincing evidence for me to think them true). The LDS church seems to turn that up to 11, requiring members to believe that this guy (who had a career as a treasure hunter) found golden tablets in NY that only he could translate and which then disappeared. And that afterward he continued to have divine revelations about the nature of the universe that would dictate how they live their lives.
I know we have practicing Mormons in our community here, and I'm so curious if they actually believe these things or just find that the religion provides a useful guide to living and a foundation for a well-functioning community.
janeerie
1yr ago
I am extremely skeptical that this is from WEF. Is there any reliable source? The setting and clothes suggest sometime in the 80's or 90's.
janeerie
1yr ago
I just applied for a job that included this beautiful pronoun selection question (skipped it). Then further down the page there was another blank field to enter my pronouns (skipped it)!
I kind of want to know what the hell "Fae/Faer" is, but also kind of don't. Is that for people who identify as fairy folk? I can see that giving you an advantage on your job application!
janeerie
1yr ago
Yeah, according to my ideals he should be let back on, but I am not looking forward to the daily hysteria over whatever crap comes out of his brain.
However, you should probably be more specific about which part of red tribe doesn't want him back on. I believe politicians don't, but the average red triber is going to be thrilled to have him back on there owning the libs. I know there are blue tribers like Matt Yglesias who think his being back on will hurt his (and other Republicans') political chances, but I'm quite skeptical of this. Attention gives him life and energy, and it gives his supporters energy.
janeerie
1yr ago
We had to coach my 6-year-old at every single house to remember to say "trick or treat" and "thank you." I think some kids just get so excited that their little brains shut down.
janeerie
2mo ago
I'm curious what your current job is? I think the best course would be to do something along those lines as a freelancer, but I suppose that's not possible for all professions.
My mom was a SAHM and did a lot of volunteer work, which I always thought would be a nice choice if I had to go that way. It can be a good way to pick up skills that will come in handy later.
janeerie
1yr ago
I had a weird conversation with my boss's boss yesterday. It started with talking about a new project I might be involved in, but then went into her telling me that "people don't know how to read you" and "it's hard to tell when you're excited and passionate about something." She also kept repeating that I was very "even-keeled" and I make people feel relaxed. I guess those were supposed to be compliments.
Then she says that I need to come up with a plan for what I am going to do about this! Basically, I need to take some deliberate actions to let people know what I am thinking and feeling. I told her I would set up some check-ins with her where we can talk, but I'm really not sure what else I'm supposed to do. I asked what other people were doing that she felt was more effective, but she didn't have an answer to that.
It was so bizarre, because I am fine with getting feedback if there's an issue with my work, but this seemed to be about how my personality was causing a problem (I'm sorry, I was raised by Midwestern farmers - we're not expressive people). I ended up crying in front of her, which pissed me off. It just touched on some lifelong feelings about feeling a little out of step with people.
To tell the truth, I don't really get "passionate" about things at work. It's work - I enjoy it when I have interesting problems to work on, but I'm passionate about my family, about ideas, not about work stuff. I suppose that's why I appear "even-keeled" at work, because I don't deeply care about any of that crap so it's easy to let things slide off my back.
janeerie
1yr ago
Online therapy services (like BetterHelp) are basically mental health fast food. I tried one because it was so convenient and cheap, and I quickly realized that my therapist was unlikely to tell me anything that had not already occurred to me.
I finally found a psych professor at the local university who sees a few patients on the side (I basically had to audition to get accepted). It's pretty damn expensive, but I'm getting much more out of it. I guess it's good that the fast food option exists for those who can't afford anything else, but I wonder how much people are getting out of it.
janeerie
1yr ago
I'm pretty much in the same spot as your wife, and I still consider myself a liberal. I am also married to a conservative. He was a Romney-type conservative when we married, and has shifted right alongside the Republican party. It is difficult at times (especially during election years), but we are both very committed to the marriage.
That said, we are still aligned on basic values of how to live and raise our child. We try to tune out the political noise as much as possible and don't bring it up inside the house. This approach works well for us.
janeerie
4mo ago
It's so interesting that you and JulianRota say that this person is unlikely to work with a trans person. Perhaps it depends on what industry you are in, but in tech I've worked with quite a few trans women. Go to a "women in tech" conference and it will be half the crowd (ok, not really, but it sometimes feels like it).
I have not worked with any trans men, so it's likely they are all in non-profits somewhere.
janeerie
11mo ago
I would be interested in #4. I am in a divided marriage and I don't see many people even attempting it anymore. I was pregnant in 2016, which is probably the main thing that kept us together during the Trump madness.
janeerie
1yr ago
It's kind of brutal out there right now. I'm also interviewing, getting decent response rates, but stalling out at some point in the process (got rejected after a 5-hour interview round last week). In my field, I think the market just got flooded with all the recent layoffs and now there's too much brand-name competition. I also see stated salaries nowhere near where they were a year ago.
I think it's time to hunker down and lower expectations/tighten budgets. I don't see a lot of potential for raising one's salary in the near future.
janeerie
1yr ago
It’s a bitch having a mild mental disorder.
I sit here remarkably sane by all outward appearances. I have a family that I take good care of and have good relationships with. I do well at my job. I am smart with my money and make good, responsible decisions. I get along with pretty much everybody. But inside I am constantly struggling with anxiety, and the fear that the anxiety will get so bad that all of this will fall apart. I am consumed by a fear of fear.
In the past, my main problem was panic attacks. I always had a fear in the back of my head that I might have another and it was quite distracting. But it didn’t really affect the course of my life. I would hear about people who become agoraphobic, or who do all kinds of OCD rituals, and I just couldn’t relate. I’ve never experienced anything like depression. I just walk around scared most of the time.
Getting on medication pretty much cured my panic disorder, and when I had my child I went off meds and a round of CBT kept me from relapsing. I’ve always had health anxiety, but that also fades into the background as long as nothing weird is going on with my body. I have been back on medication for the past couple of years, but it doesn’t seem to be helping nearly as much as it used to.
I always have the thought in the back of my head that my anxiety might get so bad that it will ruin my life. If I read about somebody with intense OCD or who develops DP/DR, I think “Why couldn’t that happen to me?” If these are just disorders of thinking, why wouldn’t my own brain go down that path? It causes a huge spike of anxiety, which eventually goes away and I return to my baseline. I basically live in a world of potential triggers.
My latest therapist was big into ACT, which stresses the importance of continuing to do the things that you really want to do, and just letting the anxiety come along for the ride. I already do that, but the anxiety prevents me from getting the most emotionally and mentally out of those things that I am doing.
One of the things that helps me most is to just understand that my brain is broken. I can’t trust the things it is telling me. That’s very difficult when in so many other places my brain has served me very well. In some sense, my fear of fear is entirely logical. It’s quite clear that anxiety can make you miserable so why shouldn’t I be afraid of it? It’s just an unfortunate reality that it causes this terrible cycle:
-
I know being anxious is bad.
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I know anxiety is something that my own brain produces.
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I am afraid I won’t be able to stop my brain from producing more anxiety.
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Hence I am more anxious.
The weak spot in this seems to be point 3 - that actually there are ways to stop my brain from causing more anxiety. I’m just having a hard time developing trust in those. An added wrinkle is that I am afraid to examine my brain too much. The concept of consciousness is really scary to me. I am afraid there is a fundamental truth about reality out there that I don’t want to encounter.
I guess it just feels like I’ve hit the wall on what I can get out of therapy, and I’m going to have to always deal with an elevated, sub-clinical level of anxiety that bugs the hell out of me. Thanks, brain!
janeerie
1yr ago
I'm healing up from my first bout with COVID (vaxxed+boosted, had what felt like a mild flu for one day), and thinking about long-COVID. As somebody who has long had an anxiety disorder, the list of long COVID symptoms sounds pretty much like how I feel most of the time. And guess when my anxiety disorder got a lot worse!
I caught COVID on a work retreat to NYC and it was totally worth it. Getting to spend time talking to people, working with people, being immersed in a city where so much is happening, was amazing. There is nothing worse for our mental health than spending all our time in our houses on our computers.
I completely believe that there are people who have bad post-viral reactions. That's always been the case. But I also believe that much of this is uncontrolled anxiety and we need some kind of mass CBT/SSRI intervention.
janeerie
1yr ago
I do recall people complaining about Tom Cruise playing Jack Reacher in the movie, since the character is supposed to be a behemoth and Tom Cruise is more... petite. There was much celebration when the character in the TV show was played by a big guy.
janeerie
8mo ago
It's not anonymous, which means everybody treats each other as human and there's more of a sense of a community. I'd say the overarching mood is anti-woke, but there's no lockstep thinking and any disagreement is done with respect. Also, while there is a good amount of culture war discussion, any topic is welcome and gets decent engagement.
Not sure where you live, but there are also in-person meetups (along with the official Unspeakeasy retreats).
That paperwork comment made me laugh out loud. Yes, if my husband and I were approaching divorce, I would have to initiate the formal process. Just like I do our taxes, pay our bills, handle all the child's appointments, plan our travel, etc.
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