janeerie
Normie quokka
User ID: 713
janeerie
5d ago
My husband's parents live with us, and I am going a little nuts dealing with his mother. She is 81, obese, and can barely walk at this point. She sleeps about 16 hours a day, and there are many days that will go by without her coming upstairs (their bedroom and tv room are in the basement). And yet, I can see her going on like this for another 10 years or so. Hooray for modern medicine!
I have to remind myself to detach emotionally and not get frustrated with her. But what particularly bothers me is how it limits the life of my father-in-law. He used to have a job at the grocery store that he loved, but she didn't like being alone, so he quit and now just sits and watches tv with her all day. We're trying to plan a trip to Spain (where he's from), but have to figure out what to do with her because she refuses to go.
I guess I'm struggling to figure out how much of this is coming from her body not working anymore, and how much is just depression (she did spend some time in a mental hospital about 15 years ago and is on Lexapro, which doesn't seem to be doing much). And what do you do when somebody is unwilling to make any moves to help themselves get something out of life? She's just waiting around to die at this point and I hate watching it.
janeerie
4d ago
Oh, that is so sad. Alzheimers is an absolute nightmare.
We are currently planning to send her to my sister-in-law, which we have done in the past when my father-in-law goes to Spain (he tries to go once a year). For the first time though, she is putting up a fuss about going and I can't get a clear answer why.
janeerie
4d ago
I was quite eager to bring them in because his father is a huge help to us, helping with the childcare and doing our cooking. It's just the mother slug that bothers me on a conceptual level, but I don't have to do anything to take care of her.
When we first had our son we lived several states away from any family, and it's really hard to do child-rearing without any family support. I'm sure it will become more difficult as they get older, but for now it's actually a pretty great situation. I just hate to watch somebody waste their life!
janeerie
4d ago
I fear I'm making this sound worse than it is. I really don't have to do anything for her; it just annoys me that she is wasting her life while other lives are too short (my own mom died when she was 45). If things do get to the point where she requires actual physical care, I plan to bring in the professionals and give my sisters-in-law the primary responsibility.
She's actually from Utah, where we live now. We moved here a couple of years ago so she could be close to her daughters who all live here. She does get a bit misty when we visit the local steakhouse :D
janeerie
11d ago
About a month after I met my husband, I got a great job offer that would have required me to move out of state. I turned it down because it had been a long time since I had met anybody I liked as much as him. A lot can happen in a month!
janeerie
19d ago
I'm the same - I enjoyed it for a couple of years in college and then it just became a panic attack trigger. I'm always amazed that some people are able to use it as a treatment for anxiety.
janeerie
19d ago
Oh, I'm so happy for you! I've always enjoyed your posts, and I'm glad you now have more time to dwell on other thoughts, rather than exams. It seems you get down on yourself at times, and I hope this gives you a boost of confidence.
janeerie
3mo ago
That paperwork comment made me laugh out loud. Yes, if my husband and I were approaching divorce, I would have to initiate the formal process. Just like I do our taxes, pay our bills, handle all the child's appointments, plan our travel, etc.
janeerie
2mo ago
I'm curious what your current job is? I think the best course would be to do something along those lines as a freelancer, but I suppose that's not possible for all professions.
My mom was a SAHM and did a lot of volunteer work, which I always thought would be a nice choice if I had to go that way. It can be a good way to pick up skills that will come in handy later.
janeerie
1mo ago
That is weird. I've had two therapists who I saw for a few months each, and they both were pretty clear about addressing my problem and getting me out of there. I did screen for serious CBTers though.
janeerie
5mo ago
It's so interesting that you and JulianRota say that this person is unlikely to work with a trans person. Perhaps it depends on what industry you are in, but in tech I've worked with quite a few trans women. Go to a "women in tech" conference and it will be half the crowd (ok, not really, but it sometimes feels like it).
I have not worked with any trans men, so it's likely they are all in non-profits somewhere.
janeerie
6mo ago
I had this since I was a little girl. I don't think there's anything terribly strange about it; childbirth is an extremely painful and scary process. I don' t know that it was the main reason I didn't want to have children, but it was in the mix. When I decided I did want to have a child, it was because the pro reasons finally outweighed the cons.
I ended up having a natural birth. It was traumatic but I got through, though I wasn't interested in doing it again. A few months later, a friend of mine died in childbirth. Like I said, this shit is scary and it's pretty reasonable to be afraid of it.
janeerie
10mo ago
Perhaps another way of phrasing this is that if you look at the set of humans throughout history, the ones who have traditionally been able to self-actualize have been men. This does not mean all men were in this position, but woman were much more limited in their opportunities to do so. There was a ceiling that men could surpass and women could not. Pointing out that many men were stuck in their position doesn't contradict that.
The original prompt for this discussion (and the context for my comment) was "How has the reduction of the strictness of roles that modernity has brought on improved things for people?" My answer to that was that is has removed the ceiling for women. I can now go to University, pursue my chosen profession, control my own finances, etc. 19th century me would not have had these options.
janeerie
2mo ago
Oh yeah, the physical stuff is the worst. I blush at the drop of the hat, and when I was a teenager I would just start shaking when people talked to me. That's where the meds really helped.
janeerie
2mo ago
2 things: The first was realizing that I was approaching the world with the mindset that everybody hated me and thought I was a loser. I decided to pretend instead that everybody was my friend, and surprise surprise, people respond to that and I started to believe it myself. I flipped that switch when I was 17, and it still serves me well.
The second is less inspiring - an SSRI. I started taking if for panic and found it did wonders for my social anxiety also.
janeerie
4mo ago
It's funny - I think of that garden often and it even shows up in my dreams. I don't remember much of the plot of that section of the book, but I made quite a mental picture of that garden!
janeerie
8mo ago
I'm a married mom who hangs out here, and I've lately been enjoying Megan Daum's Unspeakeasy forum. It's expensive, but often feels like The Motte for Her. Of course, the posts aren't quite so long because we have shit to do :D
janeerie
8mo ago
Hi, I'm your wife.
Well, not really, but you sound just like my husband. I don't assign him tasks because he's not my child, but I hate that I have to do most things myself.
Why don't you just do stuff when it needs to be done? It's very easy to say "It doesn't need to be done now; I'll get to it later." My father-in-law does this all the time also. But then these things never actually get done. As with the example of the plane tickets, the sooner you buy them the better, so you should do it as soon as your travel plans are finalized.
It seems you understand this and the real question is how to make yourself do things, but the only answer to that is to just do them. I'm very curious why this is a stumbling block. Do you think of tasks and just have other things you'd rather do? How important are those other things? Do you just forget about tasks (in which case you need to be ok with your wife reminding you)?
janeerie
7mo ago
Caviezel is into QAnon and believes the elite cabal are extracting adrenochrome from children through torture. So the connection is not spurious.
janeerie
7mo ago
WTF is the Hock? Every time you mention it here, I google it and only learn about horse legs.
janeerie
10mo ago
The story of my life, and it's a great recipe for developing health anxiety. Mass media stories about health conditions are the worst. Oh, women's heart attacks sometimes just present as back pain? Guess I'll freak out every time my shoulder hurts then!
janeerie
6mo ago
It's funny - there are many women who are offended by the very idea of artificial wombs, to the point where I think it's a minority position to be ok with them. I have a hard time understanding that.
janeerie
10mo ago
I'm not going to assert that men or women had a great deal of liberty in the past, but there were still a much larger range of options open for men than women. Are you really going to argue that men and women had equal opportunity to higher education, the professions, property ownership, and elected office before the mid-Twentieth Century?
Yes, it's very nice that women didn't have to go to war and were allowed to donate their time to social movements, but they were the property of their fathers and husbands and had nothing of their own. That is the life of a child, not an adult.
I also thought it was... fine. I only made it halfway through the book before giving up, so clearly this story is just not for me.
My husband, on the other hand, thinks it was the best TV he's seen in years. Mileage varies on this one!
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