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PaperclipPerfector  6mo ago (text post)   1512 thread views

Wellness Wednesday for October 11, 2023

The Wednesday Wellness threads are meant to encourage users to ask for and provide advice and motivation to improve their lives. It isn't intended as a 'containment thread' and any content which could go here could instead be posted in its own thread. You could post:

  • Requests for advice and / or encouragement. On basically any topic and for any scale of problem.

  • Updates to let us know how you are doing. This provides valuable feedback on past advice / encouragement and will hopefully make people feel a little more motivated to follow through. If you want to be reminded to post your update, see the post titled 'update reminders', below.

  • Advice. This can be in response to a request for advice or just something that you think could be generally useful for many people here.

  • Encouragement. Probably best directed at specific users, but if you feel like just encouraging people in general I don't think anyone is going to object. I don't think I really need to say this, but just to be clear; encouragement should have a generally positive tone and not shame people (if people feel that shame might be an effective tool for motivating people, please discuss this so we can form a group consensus on how to use it rather than just trying it).

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My work is very boring and I'm quite dissatisfied with it as it's pretty intellectually uninteresting to me and it's become pretty apparent it's a dead-end job whose only upside is doing some managerial nonsense of overlooking other people who are doing the same boring task. I've been looking for exits but haven't ran into one yet that I found that works.

However, this week I started journaling to have something creatively constructive and stimulating going on at work. I've always wanted to journal but I always felt like I've never had the time. One of the reasons why I started posting here again is because it feels like stream that's been undammed. There's been a lot I've kept bottled up the past few years and finally letting it out onto a page has been surprisingly therapeutic. I wrote a blog while in college and find it's pretty similar, but I can write a bit more personally as well or not be as focused on a topic and drift about. The pen and paper aspect of it is also nice as it gives me a break from looking at a screen.

I go back and forth with starting and stopping journaling, and I've always found it rewarding when I start up again, if only because it makes me record and reflect on little things I would forget about.

That's why I started doing it. I wouldn't say I don't think it's necessarily be super consistent, but it's helping me reflect on the day and take the time to organize and recognize thoughts.

Well, I'd hoped it would never come for me...

Last night my girlfriend, I and a mutual friend got into a discussion about nonbinary people. I put forward my position, basically that it's a fashion statement for people who want to feel different and special. My girlfriend has a couple of friends (I've only met one of them once) who prefer 'they' pronouns. Both are men, dress and act like men, although one has changed his name to a rather ironic noun (equivalent to someone renaming himself 'Drama', although not exactly that.

Anyway, now she's not happy. I attempted to compromise by agreeing to use they/them in their presence, but not when speaking to my girlfriend. Apparently this isn't sufficient. She feels it's akin to using racial slurs to refer to someone when they're out of earshot, even if you don't use slurs to their face.

I can't really see any third way beyond conceding or sticking to my guns. It's frustrating, because she is very much not the intolerant idpol type. Indeed her political beliefs are broadly conservative. Apparently not for this topic.

Once again, you cannot reason someone out of something they did not reason themselves into.

She's a woman, and what you are saying affects her social circle, her status, and her feelings of belonging. She didn't reason herself into her position, she's trying to influence you socially and emotionally about it "My other political beliefs are just politics, but this is being a good person.", and you're not going to reason her about it.

Unfortunately, you're in a tough spot. She's not in the rational frame of mind, she's seeing this in terms of relationships. It's not about the nail. You're screwed either way. Unfortunately, you're now into monkey-brain social games.

If you stand your ground, your principles against her feelings, she is going to feel ostracized from the group, and feel like you are low status for taking a low-status (in her group) viewpoint. She will lose respect for you, as you're an outcast with a low-status opinion. If you compromise, she will see you as a weak male who doesn't stand his ground. From the monkey point of view, neither is good.

The least worst path is probably for you to stand your ground in private, but tell her that out of generosity, you are willing to indulge her in public. Even if you succeed, expect this to happen again. You're in conflict with her group, and in her monkey brain, she wants the leader of the group, not an outcast from the group or a supplicant to the group.

I wish you good fortune in the wars to come.

The moderately charitable interpretation is that she feels that you have said, about her friends, without knowing them very well, that they are transparently shallow in important (to them) areas of their lives. And, by extension, that she has poor taste in friends. Depending on how important the friends have been to her, and how seriously she takes them, that could hurt a lot. It doesn't do much to assuage these hurt feelings to say that you will be base level polite the one time this might come up. You said you've so far met one, once. How often do you actually use pronouns for a person to their face? While also still thinking she has poor taste in friends, and that her friends are pretentious and shallow(one possible interpretation).

Something that she might like, and that wouldn't necessarily be a lie on your part, would be to assume an attitude of curiosity about her interpretation of her friends' actions. Why does she think they identify as nonbinary? Why is she friends with them? What does she like about them? Does she really think it likely that the two of you might have children who turn out trans or nonbinary, unexpectedly, and should be fully supported in that? That would be more cause for concern than that she wants to defend her friends.

There are people I like (nay, respect! Admire!) who are into astrology. I'm not completely sure why. My best guess is that astrology is a way to talk about personality and life event things that are otherwise harder to talk about, the way I tend to use personality systems. But, also, it seems like it might be interesting to have a respectful, curiosity rather than incrimination based discussion about it, as a thing I know very little about. But if my husband said that they liked it for some distasteful reason that implied they were bad people, I would be angry about that.

Why is she friends with them?

I like your advice overall, but I don't know how I could ask this particular question without making the other person feel like it's an attack.

Yes, that was phrased poorly. I meant something more like how they became friends, a story.

I don't see the big deal. Clearly you are both adults that have been presumably been involved for a while and yet she is still your 'girlfriend'. If you were anything but a current-year-feminist you would go from 'woman I am courting' to 'fiancée' to 'wife'.

She would be too busy making friends with soon-to-be mothers or mothers to entertain they/them and this would not even come up. As far as language policing goes, you would be having arguments over which racial slurs are acceptable to say in front of your offspring.

What is it to you?

My 'girlfriend' is 1% more progressive than me, what am I gonna do?

Ancestors cry just the same.

Stick to your guns. There is no value to conceding. Because if you must concede for her to continue to love you, she doesn't love you.

There was a popular meme that ran around on twitter (I think from this guy for a while that ran something like: If she's still a feminist, you're not the guy. That matches my experience. When a woman is really into you, she is not going to care about your politics. The most progressive women in the world will make every excuse for you, if you get her juices flowing. For that matter, I can't imagine divorcing my wife over politics short of something so insane as to be absurd.

Therefore conceding is pointless. If you must concede to retain the relationship, the relationship has no value, because she isn't really that into you. Find someone who is. If she is into you, stick to your guns and she'll get over it. Simple as.

FWIW: Personally I'm closer to your compromise position in general life to begin with. If someone asks me to use different pronouns, I do, I find it polite (though despite moving in prog circles I've never been asked to use any outlandish ones). I've never actually had anyone police my use of pronouns irl, even given the occasional slip-up. But I can't imagine my wife policing my pronoun usage in our private conversations, largely because when we talk that kind of thing gets slid over in our sheer frenetic effort to empty our brains to each other at the end of every day. If she policed how I talked that way, I wouldn't like that.

I broadly agree, but I think "if she's still a feminist, you're not the guy" is too strong. My wife had a long enough history of outspoken feminism when I met her that it would have been ridiculous for her to pretend not to be one. But I also never pretended to agree with something I didn't. It worked out fine and she eventually became a stay-at-home-mom.

Most political convos start with her thoughtlessly repeating some slogan, and if I can't reframe the convo immediately, usually instead of saying she's wrong or being dismissive, I ask what it means concretely, as Gaashk suggested above. This usually makes her mildly upset and embarrassed when she notices she hasn't thought about it much at all, and so she's learned to not to do that as much. But in terms of day-to-day life or child-rearing decisions, even though politically we're worlds apart, we usually almost entirely agree on the concrete steps to be taken.

On the few times when something completely beyond the pale (from her point of view) has come up ("you really believe ___!?"), I tell her she needs to talk to me respectfully even if she disagrees, as I am doing to her, even though from my point of view, she's equally misled.

I used to have a trad girlfriend who said something like "if a man is taking a love interest's political opinions seriously in the first place, he's doing it wrong."

In my mind the phrase applies purely to the man himself, not to politics or the world at large. Tbh I'm suspicious of intelligent anti feminist women in the same way I'm suspicious of feminist men, they either lack self respect or they're trying to sell me something.

But if a woman is a feminist TO YOU, in the sense of treating you poorly because of your beliefs or making a big todo about things in your relationship, you're not the guy.

The twitter post (tweet?) is in this article:

https://extradeadjcb.substack.com/p/10-you-can-save-her

The tweet:

https://twitter.com/extradeadjcb/status/1432558778541559808

Alternatively, the tweet:

Certain bad actors feigned horror when I said feminism was "curable", but this is all I meant

If she's still a feminist, you're not the guy

Thanks Bro! Did me a real solid.

I'm mildly miffed that nobody has ever asked me to use non-natal pronouns in person (I had the misfortune to wander into some rather queer discord servers online).

Makes me feel like I'm missing out, not that I really want that particular brainworm in my local memeplex.

Well, I have misgendered someone, in a bleakly funny example where I called a cancer patient "sir" because I'd been too lazy to look at the name on the file, and in that case, she was utterly bald, wrinkled like a prune, and just about as androgynous as a human can get from being on the verge of dying from every cancer anyone can care to name. Hopefully she was too deaf to notice, or chalked it down to acute sleep deprivation.

Are 'they' pronouns and nonbinary folks not common in India? It's just about everywhere in the U.S. at this point. I've been in a similar position.

I can't really see any third way beyond conceding or sticking to my guns.

Yep, these are your choices. You can elect to compromise your integrity about something that you apparently have a strong epistemic stance on or you can choose to piss your girlfriend off. The easiest thing would probably be to just avoid these people and avoid all discussion of them, minimizing your need to resolve whatever cognitive dissonance you feel from playing along with something you think is ridiculous or pissing your girlfriend off of over something fairly trivial. In general, my advice is that avoiding these people is good general practice regardless of whether you have some pointless disagreement with your girlfriend since they're going to be magnets for pointless (but fashionable!) political disagreements and low-level antagonism.

Didn’t I tell you to take a covid test instead of blowing a friendship? I don’t understand the integrity instincts of the people on this board. I don’t know if it’s the same people, but on the one hand it seems that if they get an email at work telling them to give their pronouns, wear a rainbow shirt and post a blm flag, they won’t even say anything, and act like they’re living under stalin, while they appear ready to destroy all non-pecuniary relationships over some incredibly puny stuff.

They wouldn’t be caught dead protesting or sending a letter to a congressman, or getting into local politics to oppose some policy they abhor (the elites will do what they want anyway, democracy is a sham the state will destroy me like the truckers and blablabla) , but when their gf wants them to use a pronoun twice in their life, they really draw the line and will fight till the bitter end.

Didn’t I tell you to take a covid test instead of blowing a friendship?

You did! I took your advice and you were correct. I still think that the position basically wound up being "compromise your integrity for the sake of friendship or don't". My choice was to compromise my integrity and I think it was the right now.

I don’t know if it’s the same people, but on the one hand it seems that if they get an email at work telling them to give their pronouns, wear a rainbow shirt and post a blm flag, they won’t even say anything, and act like they’re living under stalin, while they appear ready to destroy all non-pecuniary relationships over some incredibly puny stuff.

For what it's worth, I would adhere to a much, much more stringent standard of integrity when it comes to work. That quite literally comes from a place of privilege though - I can refuse something at work and replace a workplace quite easily, but replacing friends is pretty hard. In stark contrast, other people might place great value on their work or just feel like they aren't in a financial position to make a choice.

One additional asymmetry is that shutting up about something and leaving it be is easier than actively participating in something that you have a strong feeling against.

I think it’s important to just vocalize your opposition, perhaps more important than actively opposing. Protests are not effective because they harm a policy or regime, but because it lets other people know they oppose it. They already did, but now they know. Wrong policies thrive when the line is blurred between followers and supporters. They only remain in place if most people are assumed to be supporters, not followers. I think it’s completely counterproductive to act as a quiet supporter in public and turn into la resistance with the people you care about.

But again, maybe it's different people saying those things. Plus I’m really burnt out on the /r/relationships /r/AITA standard “dump him!” takes. Maybe we need less dumping, just people staying together, staying friends, not sacrificing another relationship on the altar of politics for some internet shrews.

Do not marry this woman.

I'm not sure it is inconsequential. Moreso if there's any plans for children and one would like a partner who could help guard against their kids getting sucked into this zeitgeist and not compromise with beligerent forces.

I wonder if the last decade of "Who cares, like it really matters, this doesn't affect anything" line IRT LGBTQ issues has led us to this fractious and confused state, where it's been revealed that of course it's consequntial, and in ways big and small affects sports, schools, prisons, women's spaces, law, dating dynamics, corporate duties and expectations, etc. And while that boulder was probably coming any way, I think its mass and power could have been shrunk a bit if more people in their various personal relationships were adamant in calling it as nonsense, and not treating their brain as a private refuge to keep hidden from others in order not to rock the boat.

IME many women I know are very receptive to LGBTQ framings - their husbands and BFs less so. But the men just kinda shut up about it. I know some very Trumpy anti-woke ex-mil guys who allow their wives to take their children to BLM protests and Pride painting sessions, and all they do is grimace and bite their tongue "as long as she's happy". This is simultaneously wholesome and admirable, and also infuriating. Infuriating because this feels too similar to the larger societal pattern of rolling over on LGBTQ issues because somebody (usually a woman or a minority) might be made uncomfortable, with predictably negative consequences.

He can weigh his own scales after this event. I don't think he should take any advice here going one way or another too close to heart. On some level it seems silly to consider breaking up over (ugh) politics, and I'll assume everything else about their relationship is going swimmingly, more or less. Then again, she's basically accused him of having bigoted opinions, and that's awfully close to being a bigot proper. I'd be wondering if there's anything else touching this topic that might prompt this reaction. This is either a trifle or the tip of an iceberg, and you won't know which without more time running into it.

The only other conflict in our relationship is that she doesn't like one of my hobbies (I'm into partner dancing, and she gets jealous of me dancing with other women). Politics has certainly never been an issue.

Her response was telling though. She seemed to see this belief as different from other kinds of belief. My other political beliefs are just politics, but this is being a good person. Kind of a textbook example of why I dislike identity politics, it makes everything personal.

Incidentally, she did bring up our future kids. She asked me how I would respond if one of our children came out as non-binary. I answered that I would expect nonbinary identity labels to have fallen out of fashion by the time our kids are teenagers (edit: apparently the term already peaked a couple of years ago)

I think I'm probably going to just not bring it up and hope that she forgets about it. I barely know one of the guys in question, and I've never met the other. If she presses the matter, I'll probably just concede and then avoid talking about them.

(I'm into partner dancing, and she gets jealous of me dancing with other women).

Noooooo :(

I feel for you man. We are in surprisingly similar situations, hah. Although my girlfriend loves partner dancing thank god.

Understandable, and a fair enough play. Despite my last post, I'd probably do the same.

One does lament, though.

I think one of the worst recent developments is the extent to which we’ve made our personal lives hostage to our political beliefs. Who cares, just call him they. This isn’t lying or submitting to an evil authority, it’s a minuscule, inconsequential compromise to get along, after you’ve made your position clear. Save your spine for someone you don't care about.

What if it's your own kids though? When it comes to your girlfriend or wife it really does matter. That woman is going to determine how your kids grow up and see themselves.

I'm really surprised at the line you're taking in this thread.

I guess if he is literally at the conceiving phase he should push back. But realistically he isn’t and should cross that bridge when he gets to it. People believe a lot of dumb shit. You can’t draw a million red lines based on problems that might appear 15 years down the line (assuming you have not convinced her or pushed back at any point before that) and expect a normal romantic and social life.

That woman is going to determine how your kids grow up and see themselves.

So obviously you need a perfect specimen with entirely correct opinions on everything or your hypothetical kid’s lives will be ruined. Think of the children.

I don’t know why the internet social advice is always so manichean and unrealistic. It’s like the limited information forces a binary answer, and since the information is usually bad or else they wouldn’t have asked, there’s only one possible answer.

edit: maybe it's all status signaling, like those tinder profiles that go 'you need to be able handle me at my worst, make 16 million dollars a year, be 8 feet tall, etc'. I get it, you got options.

Hey you make some good points. People aren’t perfect and we shouldn’t try to make them be.

Who's 'us' in that statement? Me or her? Or both?

Both. She deserves most of the blame for pressing, but I don't think your intransigence benefits society . A break-up over this would only increase the political homogenity of couplings and friendships. Even if we completely ignore any personal benefits from your continuing relationship, I think it's more important to maintain an open society than to crush the they-them aspirations of the trans in private conversations with your gf.

Does anyone have experience with "fear of childbirth"?

I've met several women in the last few years who have indicated that they don't intend to have children, and have cited this as the primary reason why - a dread of the actual physical process of childbearing and giving birth. This isn't something I remember hearing or reading about prior to the last few years. Is this an emergent phenomenon, or one which is increasing? Or is it just one which was never inside my bubble? Is it transient, or treatable? Do women commonly try to cure or overcome it, or is it perhaps a cover for other reasons?

I don't mean this question judgmentally. Everyone has the right to use their body as they think best. Just trying to gain insight.

My girlfriend is pretty sanguine about it, but then she has wide hips and intends to be as drugged as they'll let her be.

The women in my family have narrow hips so they all had/are having ceasarians, and none of them seem to be worried about that.

Frankly I'm more surprised that more women aren't frightened of childbirth, everything I've heard about it makes it seem incredibly unpleasant.

My wife didn't have it before the childbirth, but has it now. As she puts it, it hurts, you can't stop it, the doc won't even let you die.

That was how my wife felt. We would always fast forward through birth scenes in movies because it freaked her out so much. After she had our kid she said it wasn't nearly as bad as she expected. I think one problem is that the media shows a lot of screaming and pain and I had always thought it was like that for 20 straight hours or however long it took, but it was really just the final hour or two that got that intense.

One thing I noticed in my friend group is that a lot of people have 0 or 1 sibling, so they really don't have any memories of pregnancy or infants. I think that's one reason they find birth and parenting scary.

Well, middle class Indians usually opt for c-sections, which while not strictly optimal if you look very closely at outcomes versus normal deliveries, is close enough to merit a shrug.

Certainly keeps the gynos employed, and I've observed enough of the latter that I think c-secs are far less annoying or painful, even if you opt for an epidural.

Then again, I haven't had anything close to a vagina barring a few weeks of embryonic development, so I don't claim particular expertise.

and I've observed enough of the latter that I think c-secs are far less annoying or painful, even if you opt for an epidural.

Except with a c-section the woman is not back to normal for many weeks, as they have to cut through her skin and muscle to get at the uterus, and that has to heal. Meanwhile if all goes well with vaginal birth, the woman can be almost completely back to normal and fully active in a matter of days.

Also, with every c-section scar tissue builds up, which inhibits future pregnancies, meaning if you want to have more than 2 or 3 kids, intentionally scheduling a c-section is a bad idea.

Hey, you're a doctor, and I've been wondering about a related topic: I was born via c-section myself. And, my mom is a very small lady. Do these things correlate? Is birth actually easier for taller women? Intuitively it seems like it would be, but I don't truly know.

It largely depends on the width of the pelvic outlet, so on whether the tall woman is Amazonian versus a curvaceous petite one.

I don't think the difference is particularly notable in either case.

I certainly do; right after my last child was born. My wife was unconscious and not in the maternity room, but when I read that the emergency life-saving procedures she was undergoing still had about a 1% failure (i.e. death) rate I was more afraid than I've ever been.

one which is increasing

The fear seems to be increasing even as the risk decreases. Today the maternal mortality rate is 1/10000 for most people and a spike up to 1/100 is a rare emergency "crash cart" situation. The death rate from childbirth used to be around 1/100 for everyone, and somehow humanity just put up with that. My wife totally would have; she's much braver than me. Before the incident we'd already decided on permanent contraception to stop at three kids; she now regrets not rolling the dice for a fourth.

I had this since I was a little girl. I don't think there's anything terribly strange about it; childbirth is an extremely painful and scary process. I don' t know that it was the main reason I didn't want to have children, but it was in the mix. When I decided I did want to have a child, it was because the pro reasons finally outweighed the cons.

I ended up having a natural birth. It was traumatic but I got through, though I wasn't interested in doing it again. A few months later, a friend of mine died in childbirth. Like I said, this shit is scary and it's pretty reasonable to be afraid of it.

Like I said, this shit is scary and it's pretty reasonable to be afraid of it.

It very well might be scary, but if you're numerically literate you shouldn't be afraid, not particularly so at least.

And for anyone scared of natural deliveries, just go for a c-sec, assuming you can afford the expense. Let's hope artifical wombs come online in time to matter, so we can skip the moderate incapacitation of a woman for a good chunk of a year pregnancy represents.

It's funny - there are many women who are offended by the very idea of artificial wombs, to the point where I think it's a minority position to be ok with them. I have a hard time understanding that.

Well, I'm an ardent transhumanist, and a lack of vocal support for that position from the teeming masses confirms my suspicions that I'm not psychologically normal, without the usual connotations of that word.

There are plenty of IVF babies conceived from baby batter in a petridish, wouldn't it be easier on them not to force them to get evicted in the first place?

Then again, people are vain, and if the process is primarily advocated as a solution to stretch marks from pregnancy, it can capture some of the colossal cosmetics budget.

Do you think there was any particular incident that originated that fear? Not that there necessarily need be one. I'm claustrophobic and I don't remember ever being shut up anywhere. And yeah, both being shut up in close places and giving birth have real dangers associated with them.

Thanks for sharing your experience. Interesting to think that many mothers are consciously electing to push through/past a fear of the process.

Nope, just a general dislike of pain! Seriously, that pain is so bad I thought I was going to die and I wanted to die. It's bad, man.

What are things that you could’ve started years earlier if you had only known about them/motivated yourself to do them, that improve your life?

I use a Tile tracker in my wallet, which helps me find it if I lose it around the house and more importantly if I lose it outside.

I have a morning checklist of stuff before I leave the house, including wallet, keys, brush teeth, etc.

I have the points apps for restaurants I use often, which effectively give 5% off food in addition to any coupons

I got a credit card and use it for my purchases to get cashback, and have it set up to auto-pay off from my chequing account

I use feedly, a RSS feed to keep track of blogs and comics I like

I use airpods instead of wired earbuds, and they’re a much nicer experience

I take a tiny bit of melatonin before bed

In the drug realm:

Biggest by far: semaglutide for weight loss. Works so well that Walmart is noticing sales drop... if that isn't an amazing endorsement I don't know what is.

Second biggest: occasional moderate dose (1.5g) phenibut taken 8 hours before a stressful social situation.

Doing yoga, dancing, having a dog, cleaning or at least de cluttering regularly.

Freezing foods after meal prepping.

Oh and self massage with natural oils. It's quite nice.

Dancing is a great one, we’ve agreed to go out and dance at least once a month instead of going for a walk/home after dinner and it’s been a lot of fun, if you limit yourself to a few drinks you also avoid the worst of an old person’s hangover.

Being more open, honest and vulnerable with people

Using comprehensible input methods for language learning. I have had this love/hate relationship with two languages I have been studying for a long time, and got them both up to very decent levels. But studying is such a pain in the ass and difficult to be consistent. At some point I realised that 2 months on 5 months off will never get me where I want and the weak point in my method was enjoyment and ease of study. Flashcards and reading and grammar don’t work very well when you have even slightly disruptive events in life and cannot keep up with the routines. So now I have AirPods and listen the shit out of podcasts and audiobooks during commuting and house chores and whatnot. It has made a world of difference for me. “Study” is fun and I already had the habit of listening to many podcasts anyway so it’s seamless. I have been improving tremendously

I'll second this. CI works better than traditional study, it's less taxing than traditional study, and it's much more flexible to do day to day.

I've been doing Spanish for a couple of months, but I wish I'd started a year earlier. At my current rate, I can potentially get to native-level in two years so I'd already be halfway there.

If you learning Spanish check out the language transfer course. Yes it’s technically learning grammar is supposed to be bad but it’s such a well made course that it’s totally worth it

I have a habit instead of only ever putting down my keys and wallet in one place in my home. Thus, I never lose them.

I use Melatonin as well. I think that, without it, my natural sleep cycle is like a 26 hour day or so. If I went on without that or an alarm just going to sleep and waking up whenever felt natural, my cycle tends to drift later and later. Melatonin, taken a couple of hours before bed, seems to keep my sleep cycle synchronized with the actual daily cycle.

Green tea whenever I take Ritalin. Works wonders for the palpitations, and makes it bearable. I'd wager it's the l-theanine, a good anxiolytic in itself.

Green tea bags or matcha?

Green tea bags. I've had Earl Grey work too, even if it's not green.

Your best bet is looking up the l-theanine content, assuming you don't want to pop it as pills.

L-theanine is pretty great as a supplement. It's a subtle and non-addictive anxiolytic and "mind stabilizer". And it can take away the uncomfortable aspects of caffeine for some people.

Yup, plain old coffee gives me palpitations, and standard tea just doesn't do much at all unless I chug it.

I used to lose my stuff all the time (and in fact, I still lose my wallet every couple years). But one thing I've done to mitigate this is to put my keys in the same place every time I get home. I have a hanger right next to my front door and I make sure I leave them there. So even though I continue to lose my wallet and employee badge, at least I'm not scrambling to look for my car keys.

Another thing that I've found is helpful is having weekly scheduled social events. I spend a lot of time working from home alone and I start to lose my sanity after a few days. I've made strides to have weekly scheduled activities on weeknights - same time/same day every week. I find the anticipation leading up to these events helps counteract the work fatigue/isolation.

I carry a large Hydroflask with me everywhere. I fill it up three or four times a day and really don't drink other liquids (except coffee). It keeps me hydrated and I never have to worry about buying drinks. Side note: I've also lost several Hydroflasks but I'm on a good streak now with my current one!

Groupon for oil changes. I've been doing this for years and it's a lot cheaper than your local Valvoline.

I use eBay to purchase used books. I like the act of having a physical book in my hand and Amazon has gotten very pricy. eBay seems to be the cheapest site to buy used books.

I like all of your suggestions as well. I haven't made the switch to a Tile tracker, but that's only because I haven't seen any good wallet/Tile tracker combo products out there.

I just keep the tile inside a wallet pocket. It doesn’t fall out.

Reaching out for help and input. I always have this fear that they'll look down on me or simply reject me out of hand, but reaching to others for help is something that can be so useful. I'm writing this now as motivation to reach out to some professors I've studied with in the past for help with some problems I've been having. Going it alone is pretty impossible, we need to bump into people to help optimize solutions for problems that arise over life.

Working out. PT was such a terrible experience back in school that I avoided any kind of deliberate physical exercise afterwards for ten years.

What is this place?

This website is a place for people who want to move past shady thinking and test their ideas in a court of people who don't all share the same biases. Our goal is to optimize for light, not heat; this is a group effort, and all commentators are asked to do their part.

The weekly Culture War threads host the most controversial topics and are the most visible aspect of The Motte. However, many other topics are appropriate here. We encourage people to post anything related to science, politics, or philosophy; if in doubt, post!

Check out The Vault for an archive of old quality posts. You are encouraged to crosspost these elsewhere.


Why are you called The Motte?

A motte is a stone keep on a raised earthwork common in early medieval fortifications. More pertinently, it's an element in a rhetorical move called a "Motte-and-Bailey", originally identified by philosopher Nicholas Shackel. It describes the tendency in discourse for people to move from a controversial but high value claim to a defensible but less exciting one upon any resistance to the former. He likens this to the medieval fortification, where a desirable land (the bailey) is abandoned when in danger for the more easily defended motte. In Shackel's words, "The Motte represents the defensible but undesired propositions to which one retreats when hard pressed."

On The Motte, always attempt to remain inside your defensible territory, even if you are not being pressed.


New post guidelines

If you're posting something that isn't related to the culture war, we encourage you to post a thread for it. A submission statement is highly appreciated, but isn't necessary for text posts or links to largely-text posts such as blogs or news articles; if we're unsure of the value of your post, we might remove it until you add a submission statement. A submission statement is required for non-text sources (videos, podcasts, images).

Culture war posts go in the culture war thread; all links must either include a submission statement or significant commentary. Bare links without those will be removed.

If in doubt, please post it!


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