fribble
8d ago
I am a pacifist. I taught my daughter to walk away. My husband is not. He taught her to throw punches like she meant it.
When one of her roommates had a guy come over who wouldn't leave when he was told to, my daughter talked him out of the apartment. (Pacifism wins!) And then she bought a baseball bat. (Sigh.)
Amish-style pacifism includes no violence in self-defense. I don't see that as being a doormat; my husband does. When our daughter was little, I agreed to engage in violence should her safety require it - it's one thing to choose pacifism for one's self, another to cause harm to someone else through that choice. Where is your line?
fribble
15d ago
Have you talked to your mom? My college aged kid has been making food-in-house requests that we have taken seriously ever since her middle schooler fruitarian phase. For example, today she specifically asked her dad not to buy her a diet Coke when he runs errands - she will drink it if it's in the house but she would prefer not to. Maybe your mom would happily share the cookies and cake with neighbors or a social group. Or portion and freeze it. Hopefully your mom would like to support you in your goals.
fribble
26d ago
Which sort of begs the question: how in the world do volunteer fire departments exist, especially when there are non-volunteer departments in the same area?
I live in area with volunteer and government supported fire departments. I have been told it is almost impossible to join the government supported fire department without experience. So a lot of young folks join the volunteer fire department as a way to get that experience. Same reason a lot of young folks become EMTs because they plan to apply to med school. Of course, many people change life course so people who intended to move on from being EMTs or volunteer fire fighters end up sticking with it rather than moving on.
fribble
1mo ago
I have a daughter and a horror of many gas station bathrooms. We traveled (5-9 hour trips. Bathroom stops were required) with her training potty until we could be assured she could hold it long enough for us to find an appropriate bathroom. A girl sitting on a training potty on the side of the road with two car doors open is pretty much invisible to passers by.
I was taught to pee outdoors similarly to my older brother. Walk off the path / away from the road. Drop trou, squat and pee, paying attention to where your shoes are. If you need to, use a tree for balance. The annoying bit is packing out toilet paper. You really aren't exposing all that much when you do this. But if it really bothers you keep your daughter in dresses or skirts and teach her to squat, pull aside her undies, and go. Nothing gets bared. Girl swimmers are fantastic at this because taking off a wet racing suit is annoying.
fribble
3mo ago
In the 1980s in Fairfax County, Virginia, I took wood shop and metal shop. I was on the college track, so I couldn't access other vo-tech classes because they conflicted with foreign language and advanced/gt classes. But they existed in the same school.
fribble
3mo ago
We have chickens. 4 is the max we are allowed legally. It would be cheaper to buy the eggs. But labor is pretty easy. I give them fresh water daily and need to top up their food about twice a week. I check for eggs when I give them fresh water. I clean the coop once a week and do a more thorough cleaning every other month. They're in a chicken tractor that has worked to protect them from predators and I move it during the weekly cleaning. So less than half an hour a day on average I would guess.
fribble
3mo ago
In my experience, you need to get your daughter to be ok with getting things wrong. It is uncomfortable to be wrong and it seems a lot of girls shy away from it more than boys do, but if you're going to keep going in STEM-y stuff you're going to be wrong. You're going to be confused. You're going to not get it when other people do. She needs to be ok with that and if possible even embrace it.
We celebrated our daughter trying and failing and trying again. And again. Music actually helped with that because she hit the limits of her natural talent at a younger age than she did with math. So we could remind her how she wasn't able to sight read a particular piece perfectly, how it required thoughtful, diligent practice. But then she got it, and yadda yadda. We may have done this a bit too much because she perversely seeks out things she really has to work at and almost neglects areas of natural talent, so maybe keep an eye on that.
Also, we found co-ed STEM activities were likely to be at a higher level than single sex ones (more participants? Less focused on achieving consensus? More competitive?) but our daughter had to be comfortable with failure and trash talk to enjoy them, especially at the middle and high school level. Keep an eye on girl focused activities though because they can be a great introduction or place to get comfortable.
fribble
4mo ago
I could not sleep train. Listening to my baby cry was ... Impossible. She's grown now and fine, for what it's worth. If we were going to sleep train I would have had to leave the house to maintain my sanity. There was just something about my small creature crying that burrowed into my brain demanding immediate attention. I didn't react that way to toddler tantrums or little kid whining or teenager tempers. So, can you send your wife away or put her in a sound proof room? I would have agreed to that because my husband and I were capable of agreeing to a version of sleep training but we didn't have the ability to protect me from the sound. It didn't help that I nursed our daughter and a nursing baby Knows when her mother is around. Babies are cagey.
I wish you sleep, soon. It's crazy making.
fribble
4mo ago
Anyone suggesting Marylanders become parts of other states underestimates how much Marylanders love the Maryland flag.
fribble
4mo ago
Do you belong to any of the running groups? I used to work at a place on JHU's campus and several coworkers would get to work early to get in a morning run and a shower. By their accounts the running groups were good for running and the people were good people. What about bike party? Or meetups for running in the local parks? Every time I go hiking the mountain bikers and trail runners keep me on my toes.
My husband and I were introduced by a friend. Do your friends know you're looking? Her introduction gave him some credibility. FWIW if I had had a list of what I was looking for in a husband it would not have described him. But he was and is perfect for me.
This area is rolling in Catholics, and I don't know any who are doctrinaire. Drugs will be hit or miss. Seems you either get sure, drugs are great! Or stay away, I have to maintain my clearance.
I would think your biggest problem going to be that a good match for you is likely equally busy and likely avoiding serious commitments because in too many marriages with 2 ambitious people, the woman loses. Any hope of turning a grad school friendship into something?
fribble
4mo ago
Yeah I would guess snap circuits are too basic for him. My daughter enjoyed them when she was little but she was soldering and building things out on bread boards by the time she was 7-8. (My husband really wanted her to love electronics, but they are a means to an end for her. Give her el wire and suggest blinging out her ukulele? Absolutely! Make a doorbell for her room? Nahhh.) Arduino (and more modern incarnations) can be great. And let him do both electronics and programming.
If you think he might like tabletop gaming 3d printers can be a nice way to get a custom set of miniatures. The son of a friend uses his 3d printer to make bits and pieces for his rc car.
And depending on what's available and whether he wants to deal with people, FIRST Lego league can be fun. My daughter did it with the girl scouts.
There are so many cool things accessible to kids these days, especially if their folks have some extra money (so blowing out some LEDs with poorly designed circuits isn't a big deal).
fribble
4mo ago
I don't know how to motivate him or get him to build things more complex than Lego.
What's your goal for him wrt this? Does he share it?
But just taking this at face value. Have you tried an erector set? A 3d printer? Electronics? Model kits (cars, planes, boats, Gundam)? Combining all of the above...
fribble
4mo ago
"War is good business, invest your son."
That line was incredibly influential to teenaged me.
fribble
5mo ago
I understood that. But look at it this way - I posted that a week ago. You just responded so you're still here. That's a week you could have worked toward whatever. Next week, if you're not dead, would be another week. If you kill yourself, sure, the time you spent working towards your goals will be over. If you don't kill yourself, you may achieve some of what you want. If you're going to kill yourself anyway, what do you have to lose by filling your time meaningfully until you do?
fribble
5mo ago
I think your reaction is pretty normal. When my dad died my family focused on logistics of internment, and my primary task was sorting out where he was on the taxes and getting an estimated return filed (it was close to the regular filing due date). I got 3 work days bereavement and while I used them all, it was mostly because of travel to/from my folks house. I expect it'll be similar when my mom dies.
On the other hand, I think if my husband pre-deceased me, I would need more than 3 days to figure out how to manage. And if my daughter pre-deceased me I am not sure I would ever really be functional again. I wonder if my dad had died while I still lived in his home if I would have been less emotionally pragmatic than I was.
fribble
5mo ago
You can. But why not do something in the meantime? If you end up calling it quits, what have you lost by pursuing an interest in the meantime? If you don't call it quits, maybe you'll have achieved some of what you want in 1, 3, 5 years instead of just being 1, 3, 5 years older and still dissatisfied?
fribble
5mo ago
A little bit of everywhere. Mostly east coast and Midwest. One side of my family comes from the Ozarks which might explain this.
fribble
5mo ago
That was interesting reading, thank you. My husband pokes fun at me because my pronunciation of white is distinct from how I pronounce wight... Because I pronounce my wh's.
fribble
5mo ago
Physically, sure. Mentally? By my 3rd trimester I felt stunningly stupid and that persisted through my child's early years. My coworkers and managers swore I was fine, I continued getting raises and promotions, but I felt like I was fighting through mental quicksand. It was harder for me to come up with elegant solutions for novel problems. I felt my brain come back online once I started getting decent sleep again and my body wasn't building and sustaining another person. If I were less capable (or in a career for which I was less suited) pregnancy definitely could have knocked me out of my career or paused it. And then after pregnancy there's the whole baby thing. You can't just seal them in a barrel. Even Mark Twain suggested not doing that til they're 12.
fribble
5mo ago
The dissolution needs to be socially and economically destructive.
It used to be, for women. Good luck convincing women there's anything men will do to make it so for them.
Also divorce is only in the event of sexual immortality.
My grandmother divorced my grandfather because he was an irredeemable alcoholic who when he was home beat them. There may have been, and probably was, infidelity. But in the 50s she would have, and been expected to, look the other way.
As much as I love my husband, I would not have married him or had a child with him if the options available to me if he hurt our child were the options my grandmothers had. I would leave him in a heartbeat if he hurt our child, but likely be able to find a path through sexual immorality. He has expressed similar to me.
fribble
6mo ago
No one in my experience of raising my child let very young teens babysit. I babysat when I was young, but I am genx. I would have been considered a neglectful mother if I had ever allowed someone younger than college aged and infant/child CPR certified to watch my genz child. Several of her peers - a couple of whom are now in Ivy League schools - weren't allowed to cook anything on the stove in HS ... You think those parents would have allowed a 14 yr old to babysit a 2 yr old (with their child on either side)?
fribble
6mo ago
My daughter's in college, and based on the Facebook parent groups, having your daughter tracked with a phone app is completely reasonable, and not some bizarre invasion of privacy for an 18-22 yr old. I understand we've extended childhood, but if my 18-22 yr old can't navigate college without me knowing her location every single second, I've failed. When young adults, who should still be in their "nothing can harm me" phase, are so willing to surrender independence in the name of safety, it seems to signal something seriously wrong.
And back to the child thing. How does a 22 year old go from "my parents are tracking me on my phone" to "I'm ready to marry and be totally responsible for an infant" without it taking years?
fribble
6mo ago
I loved my husband. He loved me. We wanted to spend our lives together. Marriage provided a legal structure to that decision, and offered protections that living together wouldn't. We didn't even have the "do you want kids" conversation until we'd been married several years, and were fortunately on the same page when we got to it. OTOH, both of our siblings married specifically with child-bearing in mind.
IME, religious weddings seem to focus a lot more on the idea that marriage exists for kids. Health insurance, property inheritance, SS, medical care decisions, and specifically committing to building a life together with someone you love and respect were plenty of motivation for us.
So, I don't know what my response will be in every scenario because humans are messy, but I do know at this stage of my life I have responded to violence with passive resistance successfully and not felt like a doormat (regardless of the outcome - though in my world the end result has generally been positive). The line excusing violence isn't very low, it doesn't exist. But that's not simply a rejection of violence as its own thing. It's because violence is a failure response. It cannot be successful (there may be a perception of short term success like eating poor quality food might feel good or like it silences hunger, but it's not an optimal solution). My husband doesn't have and does not agree with this framing, and on some level views it as the excuses a weaker party tells herself knowing even if she engaged in violence she would lose (usually). I think that's not uncommon for non-pacifists, and why many think "doormat." But I don't think they're considering longer term consequences or "win" states beyond the most obvious (if "winning" is even a thing).
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