The Wednesday Wellness threads are meant to encourage users to ask for and provide advice and motivation to improve their lives. It isn't intended as a 'containment thread' and any content which could go here could instead be posted in its own thread. You could post:
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Requests for advice and / or encouragement. On basically any topic and for any scale of problem.
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Updates to let us know how you are doing. This provides valuable feedback on past advice / encouragement and will hopefully make people feel a little more motivated to follow through. If you want to be reminded to post your update, see the post titled 'update reminders', below.
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Advice. This can be in response to a request for advice or just something that you think could be generally useful for many people here.
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Encouragement. Probably best directed at specific users, but if you feel like just encouraging people in general I don't think anyone is going to object. I don't think I really need to say this, but just to be clear; encouragement should have a generally positive tone and not shame people (if people feel that shame might be an effective tool for motivating people, please discuss this so we can form a group consensus on how to use it rather than just trying it).
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Once again, I'm sitting here with my father as he takes a nap. The chemo seems to be going reasonably well - the symptoms aren't too severe, and the pleural effusion that put him in the hospital last December hasn't recurred since he started treatment. We're all holding on to hope that that means the chemotherapy is working - that the tumor that blocked lymphatic drainage has shrunk enough to get out of the way. It's still difficult to hear as I sit here. He tries very hard to put up a facade of being hale, but it's clear when he sleeps that something is very wrong.
The chemo and the drugs are having cognitive effects. He's increasingly frustrated by this. He's always been a sharp guy throughout his life, and now he's having difficulty finishing crossword puzzles. I've taken to doing more difficult ones (NYT/WaPo) together with him when I'm down so the gap isn't as frustrating.
More than anything, I hope this treatment buys him the time he wants to have. My youngest brother graduates from high school in a year and a half, and he really wants to see him walk across the stage. He's a smart kid, and might end up first in his class if he keeps it up. He's been tightly compartmentalizing and I worry that he's going to go into a tailspin when the worst finally happens. I don't know what, if anything, I can do. The age gap between us is enormous, and I've been more of the "weird but cool uncle" than a brother to him for his whole life.
I don't know if I have any real point to writing this down.
But if you're reading this, spend time with your family. Let them know how you feel. If you have a rocky relationship, try to patch things up while you can. No matter what you think now, you won't realize what they mean to you until they might be gone.
I am so sorry for what you're going through.
My husband just died suddenly. Went from going to the ER because he wasn't feeling right, to diagnosed with cancer, to being told it was terminal, to dying, in under a month. My daughter (new college grad, in first job, so a few years older than your brother) flew back to the east coast once we got the cancer diagnosis, so she got about 2 weeks with him before he died. Those were incredibly important weeks.
She's quit her job and is currently in the process of packing out her apartment to come back home. Even as her parent, I feel very limited in what I can do - grief is so intensely personal. I hate to think she's blowing up her life. But I remind myself that's catastrophizing - she's young. Even if this makes it harder to find another job, and she has a bit longer path to follow to ultimately get where she wants to be, that's ok. There is time. And I'd rather she manage her grief in such a way that she has a future she wants, than that she succeeds-for-the-goal-of-succeeding and loses herself in the process.
So I guess, from also being in the middle of this, I'm letting you and me know that there is no out but through. If through looks messy or hard, well, it often is. Be patient with yourself and your brother (and your dad). Don't let your focus on taking care of them prevent you from taking care of you. All of you are likely to make decisions that look suboptimal from the outside. They might even be suboptimal. But when you're living in a horror show, you can only do what you can do.
My thoughts are with you.
That must be incredibly difficult to share, but I appreciate it. I've been concerned that I'm going to completely fall apart when it finally happens and not be able to climb back out.
But you haven't, so it reminds me it's possible. Your strength matters
If you completely fall apart, come back here. I can listen and maybe help you find some handholds to claw your way back out.
I'm pragmatic, so all the stupid logistics that have to be dealt with are keeping me on track for now. Can't fall to pieces today, have to sell the now-extra car. Can't fall to pieces during the week, have to pretend to be functional at work. Can't fall to pieces on Friday, have to open the estate... I expect the practice of just putting one foot in front of the other will start to feel doable without the "have tos" soon. You're, fortunately and unfortunately, getting plenty of practice with this now through caregiving - you're not falling apart so badly you can't pull it back together. That's a skill. Trust yourself.
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I am terribly sorry to hear about your husband. Please accept my condolences and my best wishes for you and your daughter.
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