Do you have a dumb question that you're kind of embarrassed to ask in the main thread? Is there something you're just not sure about?
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Notes -
So this definitely fits into the category of "dumb question I'm embarrassed to ask" (which may fit better in Wellness, honestly, but seems to fit here too). How do you get over/handle social deficits?
For me, there are two aspects to the problem. The first issue is that almost all my knowledge is on extremely deep and specialised things that in practice hardly ever come up in actual conversation, whereas my general knowledge is seriously lacking in some areas. I was shown a photo of a postbox recently, and had no clue what you do with it. I also realised somewhat recently that I simply did not know where exactly the Statue of Liberty was in the US (it's in New York Harbour).
It could be that I'm a very extreme case of depth over breadth, but I also think this might be because it's incredibly easy for stuff (that I just don't care about and that's not immediately relevant to me) to slip out of my head. Though this might be related to the former phenomenon too in that the more I learn about topics of interest, the more of other things inevitably get pushed out. It's entirely possible that my tendency to deeply focus on certain things to the exclusion of others contributes to this pretty heavily, and ends up creating a very uneven skew in my acquisition and retention of knowledge.
The second issue is that even when the conversation drifts into topics that are in my bailiwick (which are often fairly complex), I often end up tripping over myself because my ability to find the appropriate words that allow me to properly detail what I'm thinking in the moment is seriously lacking. I come off as being much more eloquent in text than I am in real life. There isn't really a solution here which can be reduced down to "talk to people more", since I have done so quite frequently (at least, over the past year I have) and still this problem rears its head when in real time conversation.
Ideas and thoughts exist in my head as a cacophony of fuzzy, abstract, non-verbal concepts that constantly compete for space, and translating them into words is not my strong suit - especially when I'm trying to convey something that's not straightforward. Every single time I come off as eloquent in any way it's because I put quite a bit of effort into my wording and presentation that I simply can't do when placed on the spot, and this is a very non-linear process where I start by putting down a base thought (no matter how broken or incomprehensible it might be) and then proceed to iterate on it until it best resembles the idea I'm trying to convey. Without already having something out there that I can build upon, I'm quite atrocious at conveying detailed ideas from scratch, and unfortunately the method of doing things that I'm accustomed to can't be translated into real-time conversation well.
Combined, all of this makes for painfully awkward social interaction with other people, and makes it so that I say a lot of mortifyingly stupid shit that in hindsight is incredibly embarrassing. Perhaps it's my own personal bias towards regarding my own social mistakes as worse than those of others, but I think there really is something quite strange about the way I come off.
Be a guest at several Toastmasters meetings, both in person and via Zoom or similar programs. Find one which has people you enjoy being around, at a time you can attend weekly or biweekly.
I joined Toastmasters in my twenties, and I was surprised at how quickly my social deficits were erased and replaced by social skills. I went from being a hot dog cook to an insurance clerk, to an admin assistant, using the social skills and professionalism I’d learned and practiced there.
You’ll learn how to package ideas and meaning into 5-7 minute monologues, as well as learning how to respond to questions with detailed but succinct 1-2 minute responses. All the other skills you’ll learn in Toastmasters are also vital to becoming not just a skilled speaker, but a respected and valued member of a social group.
Find a club at the Toastmasters website, either by distance from your location or online at a time (and in a language) of your choosing. PM me if you want a personal recommendation for clubs in Albuquerque, New Mexico.
I keep seeing recommendations for toastmasters on motte and lately I realised that I think it’s virtually entirely coming from you? That’s some determination to the organisation lol. I have no real interest in public speaking but might check them out soon just because you make sure I keep remembering their existence
As far as I know, I’m the only Motter posting about Toastmasters. People keep asking about how to make adult friends and improve their social skills (presumably without risk of public humiliation), and Toastmasters is the cheapest, least risky real-world way to do that. It’s what worked for me.
I will second this recommendation. I got my CTM shortly after college and it was an amazing experience. I met lots of interesting people and it did wonders for my social skills. No organization is perfect but the Toastmasters groups I've been in were pretty fantastic.
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