The Wednesday Wellness threads are meant to encourage users to ask for and provide advice and motivation to improve their lives. It isn't intended as a 'containment thread' and any content which could go here could instead be posted in its own thread. You could post:
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Requests for advice and / or encouragement. On basically any topic and for any scale of problem.
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Updates to let us know how you are doing. This provides valuable feedback on past advice / encouragement and will hopefully make people feel a little more motivated to follow through. If you want to be reminded to post your update, see the post titled 'update reminders', below.
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Advice. This can be in response to a request for advice or just something that you think could be generally useful for many people here.
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Encouragement. Probably best directed at specific users, but if you feel like just encouraging people in general I don't think anyone is going to object. I don't think I really need to say this, but just to be clear; encouragement should have a generally positive tone and not shame people (if people feel that shame might be an effective tool for motivating people, please discuss this so we can form a group consensus on how to use it rather than just trying it).
Jump in the discussion.
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I went by the name /u/practical_romantic and am making a new account since some of my old friends know of my previous username and that is not alright. People here know me because I posted life updates weekly but barely took any action, I did take some action finally in life but that was in terms of
My career has been in limbo for a years time now. I was a terrible college student, I went to a decent CS program but never studied a day. My teachers hated me and I did not study since most of my peers did not study. In hindsight this was incredibly stupid as I simply spent more time surfing the internet than actually doing anything.
Posting about this stuff is hard because even if I am not at fault (I am), I still have to fix stuff. I do not know programming at all, I mean I know a little but I am 24 and I am stuck in my home again for the coming month, none of this is good. My parents despite their best intentions actively hate me. They hate that I do not like watered down starvation food that they grew up on, the fact that I want to not hang out with other people here as they have no ambition outside of this small town in urban rajasthan or that I do not want to get a low paying job here as that is a one way ticket to hell. You end up working 80 hour week for some boss who wants you to churn out shitty javascript code and pay you less than 1k USD a month, what is even worse that the people who start out this way pretty much never make out of this.
My life changed for the worse last year when I accepted a co founder role at a startup. My co founder and I basically did no work till June, we got another co founder, I went with him to Thailand and came back a few days ago. My co founder wants me to hop on concerta but the psychiatrists here wont fucking recommend it stating that I will get bone marrow issues because of it.
I am just depressed, I have only felt pain and suffering since 14. Cram schools, my uni where my peers hated me for not wanting to become another leetcode junkie and now my startup where I am not even sure what is next. I was doing non tech stuff before but will at least get to code which is always good since at least then I can get remote jobs that can pay me well. Life is not that bad but I can do so much more, I would earlier tell myself that I am not smart enough but that is because the opposite being true is far more damming.
My house is still my biggest issue. My parents hate me actively. Every single day they keep asking me about where my paycheck is coming from, telling me to stay away from girls and how I am fortunate to live in the city that we live in. This is beyond delusional. My mother got into a fight with me because I did not want to do a masters. A masters in what, why, when, she had no clue but wants me to do it because others do it. My adhd gets the same treatment, "oh, you are just lazy, just focus harder". It is not that easy, if it were I would not have actively wrecked my life because I do not want to or like wrecking my life actively. I could have studied german and flown out for an undergrad there but my parents did not want me to leave their house.
Little backstory, my family is from the landed aristocracy here but since this is India, last place any sane person would want to live in, random people started firing court cases over all our property, leading to my family fighitn cases for the past 70 years. My house is an extremely sad place to be in. My brother has the same issues as me but is markedly stupid, far far lower IQ which makes things even worse as anything bad done by him is also my fault as I am not doing well in life. I move to a smaller town next month and have been prescribed time off by my co founder. I just want to post how I feel without risking anyone I know finding out about this. You cannot be weak in front of the world after all. I lost 12 kgs (28 lbs I guess) and weigh 145 lbs (66 kgs) at 6 foot now. My parents still scream at me for recommending that they eat more meat since indian diets were based around starvation so in their heads, meats are not exactly healthy even though I lost more weight than they could despite them being obese.
Anyway, it is a shitty situation. I am afraid to even post here as I do not wanna get scolded on the internet. My parents think of my adhd issues as some people would react to their kid coming out as a homosexual back in the 90s on some movie. I am lazy but now what. Do I not even try to medicate. Will your behavior help me out because they raised two kids who both have similar issues. Jordan Peterson would often speak about why you should leave your parents' house as there are spirits there. On the surface this sounds childish yet it is very true in my case. My grandad and dad took up academic jobs in this town just for court cases and the only way we can even smell any of what is left of the estate is if my startup somehow takes off. I flunked 11th grade and then 12th the next year and still somehow was on time for my uni due to some academic miracles, I did really well in my entrance tests nationwide, the cram school I went to tout me as an example of what one can do if they never stop trying. But until I did that, for 2 straight whole years I would get screamed at and get called a failure daily, multiple times a day by my parents.
My liviing situation sucks. I took my dad to the psychiatrist today for concerta since I was on it a little bit in Chiang Mai and he just refused to believe that it is a real issue and made sure that the doctor does not prescribe me anything. Now, I am well aware of how bad life is without parents, I should be grateful for what I have yet I just feel vitriol. So much in my life has gone wrong, i am 24 now, I have no time left, my parents actively hate and scold me daily despite me being 24. It is still ultimately my life, no matter how much of what happened may be someone else' fault, I just wanted to rant for once. I can never tell others how bad it is here. No matter how happy my family looks on the outside, on the inside it is hell living here. The worst is that most of this is my fault, had I been a better person, I probably could have kept my family together. No one is getting divorced but my situation is grim. My younger brother is basically 5 iq points from being someone who went to special school, I love him to death but I cant lie about how difficult life is going to be for him.
My ma did come to my room apologetically now to get me to talk to her but I just hate life, i really do. In ways I envy most people here. There is not much to do here, advice for the future btw, do not agree to non-tech roles at a startup. You do not learn fuckall and if there are delays in shipping code, you are the one who gets blamed for everything wrong in the organisation. i will see another psych soon to get concerta, I hope I can get it, I have not been on the med for a month now actually but have to get it so that my co founder does not get pissed at me.
What are you hoping to get from posting here, friend?
It helps me think out loud and get some frustration out. I go through my life never telling anyone how I feel, anonymously I can be myself. My parents did try to pamper me but it is not a good environment to be in long term. I will leave in a months time.
You don't have to leave. Just curious.
I am not leaving this place, by leaving I meant my home. I have been sad ever since I can remember my life, I am super fun and outgoing when people see me yet that is not me most of the time. If you fuck up enough times, life gets too complex, to the point where you cannot solve it, I think I am nearly at that point.
I don't think that you're anywhere near that point my friend, although I do agree that people can get there. Trust me though you're nowhere near rock bottom. I've seen a lot of people at or near rock bottom.
Don't trust your memories. I've struggled with depression. It tricks your brain into thinking you were never happy, which is a lie. Go on anti-depressants if you haven't tried them already. They get a lot of shit but they can help quite a bit if you're motivated to work through your issues.
Good luck, and godspeed.
I have lifestyle issues more than just depression where your brain fucks with you. If with a snap of my fingers, I got all the technical know how and a steday source of money, some progress on my startup stuff, I would instantly be happy so just ssris wont fix this. I will just start small for now, keep stacking things on my routine.
I was making progress in life when I had a routine so that is a good place to start. Will read Jordan Peterson and implement some stuff he recommends as a starting point to make sure I am taking some action in life. Cleaning your room, having a routine, tracking stuff you do daily, meditating, avoiding screens (surfing in particular), working out, getting enough rest etc should help me feel better in a weeks time.
Seconding @TheDag on this. It's very common for people to say "if only I had X I would be happy", get the thing, and then find out that they still aren't happy. Happiness really is a function of mindset more than external circumstances.
One thing you can try to work on to increase happiness is to try practicing gratitude. Focus as much as you can on the good side of things rather than the bad, and consciously make an effort to be grateful for those good things. At first it will be hard and require a conscious effort, but with practice it will get easier as your mind forms the habit. And eventually, it will help with your overall happiness as you are able to appreciate your current life situation more, no matter what it is.
Gratitude stuff never worked for me tbh. I resonated much more with allowing myself to feel whatever emotion I was feeling
With gratitude I always ended up beating myself up for not feeling it hah.
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This is true, yet I am only happy when I am progressing in life. Right now, being skillless and pennyless hurts me a lot, it wont make me super happy or grateful like meditation does but at least then I can not be sad and have something to work on. Obviously I need to feel better to even start working but I will feel way better, maybe not happier but at least I will not hate myself. I will feel like a grown up, feel like I am actually 24 instead of 14 in many ways.
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I don't mean to be cruel, but I don't think this is true my friend. In my experience these sorts of external things often do not make for true happiness. It takes a change in the way you process the world and your relationships.
Peterson is a good place to start, I agree. Good luck.
Sure but the removal of bad life decisions would at least make me not unhappy. I cannot be happy if my life is falling apart which it has. I am ambitious so not having the skills to match that is not a fun way to live.
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