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PaperclipPerfector  6mo ago (text post)   3170 thread views

Small-Scale Question Sunday for October 20, 2024

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A few weeks ago, there was a thread asking "what are some things you were wrong about?" or "what are some things you changed your mind on?" To keep myself honest, I want to add a belated example.

Two years ago, I posted this:

Go to the funeral of an 88-year-old person. Sure, people may be a little sad, but the atmosphere won't be significantly different from a golden anniversary.

Then go to the funeral of an 8-year-old person. People will be distraught. They will be tearing their hair out, wailing and gnashing their teeth. Likewise at the funeral of an 18-year-old or a 28-year-old.

In August, I buried my grandfather who was in his nineties. While I stand by my assertion that the funerals of the very young are far more distressing than the funerals of the very old (and I speak from experience, having attended a funeral of a baby who died at a few weeks), it was wrong of me to say that the atmosphere at the funerals of very old people isn't "significantly different from a golden anniversary". All of my grandfather's children were very upset, several of his daughters outright sobbing. I was never particularly close with my grandfather, but even I was more upset than I expected to be.

We buried my 98 yo grandfather last year and while people were sad, and some cried, it was also a beautiful ceremony and to some extent a celebration/memorialisation of a life well lived. Sure, it's nothing like a golden anniversary but to me it felt meaningful, not tragic.

This is why I'm a fan of splitting the ceremony into two pieces: the funeral where everyone gets to be sad, followed by the wake where everyone gets to get shitfaced and celebrate the person's memory in a big party. It's important to build time/space to do both.

That's exactly how we do funerals where I'm from. You have the funeral Mass where we all are sad and say goodbye to our loved one, then afterwards you go to the church fellowship hall and the church ladies have cooked lunch for everyone. Then you enjoy each other's company and celebrate the life of the person you said goodbye to.

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