The Wednesday Wellness threads are meant to encourage users to ask for and provide advice and motivation to improve their lives. It isn't intended as a 'containment thread' and any content which could go here could instead be posted in its own thread. You could post:
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Requests for advice and / or encouragement. On basically any topic and for any scale of problem.
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Advice. This can be in response to a request for advice or just something that you think could be generally useful for many people here.
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So dating. I'm at a bit of a crossroads. On one hand I want to get married and have kids, so in some sense dating is required for that. On the other, most people I seem to meet through dating apps are not really the kind of person I would like to spend my life with. I have two big requirements: open-minded and physically active, which surprisingly seems to cross out a lot of candidates. Things have been better organically, but those kinds of relationships kind of just "happen". I also subjectively feel extremely busy: I'm working on my PhD, studying for the DELE B2 Spanish Exam, running 50-70 miles a week, and hanging out with my friends. If the right person comes along I'm very willing to sacrifice some of these things, but I feel a bit like I'm wasting my time going on dates with girls from dating apps that I don't end up liking, rather than focusing on job/hobbies/community.
27M living in Baltimore, MD for context. I'm a non-strict vegan (shellfish+honey), and don't care if partner is also vegan. Catholic, but pretty critical of the narrow-mindedness of the church on dogma. Extremely fit endurance athlete. No problem with most drugs, but not a heavy user of anything.
What does theMotte think I should do?
Focus on identifying a physically active partner. The right wife for you should follow your lead in regards to open mindedness, I wouldn't filter on this.
Common disinterests can be as important if not moreso than common intrests.
Do you have a timeframe in mind for marriage? Have you been telling people you're looking for a wife and mother of your future children?
No specific time frame in mind for marriage, but I would like to have children before I'm 40. When I've dated people over the past few years it has been with an eye towards marriage, and when it becomes apparent that that is not on the table due to personality/ideological differences, the relationship ends pretty fast.
Thanks for the other advice! I'm finding the open-mindedness thing to be very hard. Woke and catholic women seem to find different parts of my beliefs/personality to be a deal breaker. Perhaps this is just that I'm a). not quite hot/chad enough b). haven't found a woman who likes me enough to look past that stuff.
I realize I’m asking you to list your flaws, but could you elaborate on your thoughts here?
Personality flaws: The biggest straight-up flaw I have is insecurity. I care too much about what others think, and don't see my own value. I also am quite judgmental, but I don't see this necessarily as a straight up flaw, rather as something I need to keep better to myself. Other things that might be seen as flaws: pretty strict about sleep and exercise, don't own a car for environmental (but also economic) reasons (I have a zipcar membership so this doesn't have to be a problem), I'm also pretty irreverent to authority/ to any particular "team".
Beliefs that might be seen as dealbreakers. Veganism. Certain women want men who are hunt and eat steak, and many others want their husband to be able to cook their favorite dishes, which usually contain meat. I'm open to comprise as long as it doesn't involve me eating meat or animal products, but this isn't always clear on the first date. Catholicism. For woke women it's usually over (how can you hate women and gay people so much). Truth seeking. This goes with the irreverence above. I will not swear forever allegiance to any institution or group that doesn't allow me to update my beliefs based on my experience in the world. This obviously causes problem with catholics (I believe revelation is incomplete and evolving), but also with lots of secular people. A lot of this comes down to keeping my mouth shut, but I have also been burned real hard when I've expressed these kinds of thoughts to people who I thought loved me.
Meditating, contemplation practise of any kind done over time helped me feel slightly better. Being insecure and judgemental as a guy severely neuters your odds of dating a really hot girl. A mans internals, his status are like a womans look, they make up a big chunk of your attractiveness. You are totally correct to have whatever beliefs you have. A lot of your arguments or bad dates would resolve themselves by
Actively fixing your insecurities. For me, I am unskilled, broke, living in my backward fucking nation and skinny. So I have been trying to do my sabbatical properly, meditate and workout regularly.
Do not take women seriously when they do argue. As you date and sleep with more, you would naturally come to not care about it as much since many times they can be quite unreasonable if they can hint insecurity issues, look up "shit tests". If a girl is catholic, debating with religion is worse than just saying that you are agnostic.
Dating more girls. This solves most issues and is one everyone wants to ignore. The more girls you sleep with and the sooner you do, the easier the entire thing becomes. You become less insecure and figure out a lot of standards you should have you may be unaware otherwise. I got burned fairly hard when I started because I had no standards and was willing to sleep with anyone which counter intuitively nuked my chances. People who have the ability to socialise well, have standards up thier chances by a lot.
This is terrible for dating, you should not be judgemental at first. Communication between men and women is not verbal, it is mostly non verbal. You cannot be judgemental towards a girl until you spend some time. Just because you are having fun does not mean that you approve of that person in totlaity.
This is a good thing, you are not living life in a state of trance and abide by your own princicples strongly. You should be mentally prepared to reduce your time spent running or other activities by a little and adjust your sleep schedule if you want to date for a bit.
This is not a flaw since if you were a diehard adherent to xyz then it would not look good if you were a low level adherent. Though you would eventually need to find a team in general since cooperation is the most important things humans engage in. Truth is a terrible schelling point, in that way I am in the same boat as you.
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