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Notes -
Mean girls, how do they work?
@RobHenderson tweeted this:
Which I think is a common and accurate statement.
But how exactly do mean girls arrive at consensus? Is it through one queen bee like Regina George? And, if so, how is that queen bee chosen?
To me, as a man, it is mystifying. Men tend to automatically arrange themselves in hierarchies, with "rule by the best" being the standard organizing principle. By default, best equals size and strength. But, depending on the activity, the hierarchy might be based on charisma, intelligence, wealth, musical ability, etc...
With women, this doesn't seem to happen. In fact, in female social hierarchies, the tall poppies are often ostracized leading to women constantly downplaying their abilities. Women who draw credit to themselves get shot down. So who, then rules, the roost? Is it a person who is uniquely able to play the false modesty game? Or is consensus arrived at organically, with a hive mind deciding who is "in" and who is "out".
Let me say that I'm glad to not have to play these games.
Surely men are constantly cut down for being tall poppies, it just depends on what dimensions you focus on. Threats can come in many forms – small but too smart would be an example of someone who might get ostracised. Certain social skills just happen to be more weighted dimensions for women than men. That's more complicated as harder to measure, but in large groups where higher status is not dependent on size and strength, equally complex games are going on with men (e.g. in politics).
This hasn't been my experience.
Men genuinely admire their betters. That guy can jump really high. He can play the guitar well. He is smart. He is tall. These are all good qualities that I admire him for and wish I had.
Conflict among men comes when there are status uncertainties. I think I'm better than him, he thinks he's better than me. Now we have to fight about it.
There's also the case where natural hierarchies are upset by outside forces. I'm better than him, but he got promoted because his dad's the boss/he's black/he kisses ass/etc... Now I hate him for his unearned status and he hates me for my superiority.
This is an example of status uncertainty, not tall poppy syndrome. The bully's logic is "I'm big and strong. That means I'm better than this weakling. But he won an award from teacher. Why should this inferior specimen be above me?".
This status confusion is imparted by a third party, the teacher who rewards boys based on an alien value system. None of the boys actually think the "small but smart" kid is a tall poppy. Quite the opposite. He belongs at the bottom of the hierarchy.
On the other hand, in a clique of boys who are on the math team, then the "small but smart" kid might actually be a tall poppy. He is the best at what they do, and he will be admired by the other boys for his skill.
There are cultures famed for “tall poppy syndrome” like Japan and Scandinavia that were run mostly by men until very recently.
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