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Notes -
Prompted by the discussion in the main thread about dating, I just broke up with the girl I'd been seeing for a few months, and am simultaneously relieved and feeling quite bad about myself. We had been friends for about 18 months, and I'd thought she'd liked me for a while but I wasn't particularly interested because she had done polyamory in the past. A few months ago she asked me out, and I initially said no, but changed my mind and said yes with the condition that there would be absolutely no polyamory. We got along really well, so things were good in some sense, but she didn't want to actually be intimate at all (despite complaining to me when we were friends about a previous boyfriend who didn't want to have sex), and told me yesterday when we broke up that she was feeling trapped.
I should never have said yes to this girl in the first place (polyamory is huge red flag), but this whole experience has been kind of a blackpill. She asked me out, so she clearly was attracted to me in some way, but there must have been something I did earlier in the relationship that really turned her off enough not to want to have sex. I don't want to have to be overanalyzing my every move trying to decide if it's given a girl the ick or not. It also didn't seem to matter at all how compatible we were platonically (both vegan, runners, huge readers): she still ended up feeling trapped because she wasn't romantically attracted and I wasn't cool with polyamory.
Some ideas I have for improving things in the future. Firstly, not saying yes to someone just because they asked and it looks good on paper. I knew in my gut that this wasn't going to work. Secondly, I think there are some small things that I can do with my appearance that could prevent the ick in the future: getting different conditioner so my swimmer hair isn't so straw-like, stopping eating beyond meat so I don't fart so badly, and getting rid of some old clothes. Thirdly, I think I need to get a car, or at least move somewhere where most other people don't drive frequently. Unfortunately driving everywhere is seen as a sign of "being a real adult" by a lot of Americans, and I think me biking everywhere might have been a factor in the lack of attraction (although she knew this when she asked me out). Finally, I think I need to get better at scaling my commitment appropriately relative to how much time we've been together, and how much the other person is willing to put into the relationship. This is something I have trouble with in all areas of my life (I'm 0 % or 100%, never in-between).
The dating scene is pretty bleak out there (which is why I said yes to this girl in the first place), and I honestly think this might be a sign to focus on getting my PhD done and making myself more attractive (getting in better shape, earning more money) rather than wasting time dating people in this shitty city.
Don’t worry about what you did. It sounds like she was never attracted to you, and led you on. Great - now you know a little more about avoiding people who don’t respect you. But you didn’t cause her to not be attracted.
Frankly it sounds like you weren’t attracted either. In what world do two people date even for a month without it devolving into something steamy? Not even sex, necessarily, but there is typically a sort of gravitational force that makes at least a deep kiss inevitable. And being denied that, especially at the beginning of a relationship, tends to drive men absolutely nuts, and they will get what they want or sink the relationship trying. Maybe that’s just telling on me, so correct me if you work another way, but the fact that you didn’t flame out on her says to me that you didn’t really want to screw either. And at that point, who cares. Mutual dumb mistake to move on from. You have my sympathy, obviously, but there’s nothing wrong with you for this to happen.
Yea honestly wasn't super attracted to her either, but I hadn't been having much luck dating so thought I would try it out. Should have listened to my gut.
You're 100% correct, I'm not super torn up about not being with this girl, certainly compared to the last one who took me 6 months to get over. It's more of a self-esteem/pride issue at this point, which will heal quickly. And a learning opportunity. If there isn't attraction don't force it. Part of me is a little sad to be losing this friendship, but after the things that this relationship taught me I don't think I want to be friends with her anyway.
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