The Wednesday Wellness threads are meant to encourage users to ask for and provide advice and motivation to improve their lives. It isn't intended as a 'containment thread' and any content which could go here could instead be posted in its own thread. You could post:
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Notes -
Prompted by the discussion in the main thread about dating, I just broke up with the girl I'd been seeing for a few months, and am simultaneously relieved and feeling quite bad about myself. We had been friends for about 18 months, and I'd thought she'd liked me for a while but I wasn't particularly interested because she had done polyamory in the past. A few months ago she asked me out, and I initially said no, but changed my mind and said yes with the condition that there would be absolutely no polyamory. We got along really well, so things were good in some sense, but she didn't want to actually be intimate at all (despite complaining to me when we were friends about a previous boyfriend who didn't want to have sex), and told me yesterday when we broke up that she was feeling trapped.
I should never have said yes to this girl in the first place (polyamory is huge red flag), but this whole experience has been kind of a blackpill. She asked me out, so she clearly was attracted to me in some way, but there must have been something I did earlier in the relationship that really turned her off enough not to want to have sex. I don't want to have to be overanalyzing my every move trying to decide if it's given a girl the ick or not. It also didn't seem to matter at all how compatible we were platonically (both vegan, runners, huge readers): she still ended up feeling trapped because she wasn't romantically attracted and I wasn't cool with polyamory.
Some ideas I have for improving things in the future. Firstly, not saying yes to someone just because they asked and it looks good on paper. I knew in my gut that this wasn't going to work. Secondly, I think there are some small things that I can do with my appearance that could prevent the ick in the future: getting different conditioner so my swimmer hair isn't so straw-like, stopping eating beyond meat so I don't fart so badly, and getting rid of some old clothes. Thirdly, I think I need to get a car, or at least move somewhere where most other people don't drive frequently. Unfortunately driving everywhere is seen as a sign of "being a real adult" by a lot of Americans, and I think me biking everywhere might have been a factor in the lack of attraction (although she knew this when she asked me out). Finally, I think I need to get better at scaling my commitment appropriately relative to how much time we've been together, and how much the other person is willing to put into the relationship. This is something I have trouble with in all areas of my life (I'm 0 % or 100%, never in-between).
The dating scene is pretty bleak out there (which is why I said yes to this girl in the first place), and I honestly think this might be a sign to focus on getting my PhD done and making myself more attractive (getting in better shape, earning more money) rather than wasting time dating people in this shitty city.
If you are in a shit town where the number of people to date is very limited, your best bet is being a super social fun person as bad experiences with girls would get you a bad repuation fast.
Props for honest self reflection, leaving her was the right decision.
I am someone who has trouble tolerating anything disgusting, gut issues are terrible thing, any diet that causes them is bad and you should copnsider eating more sattvik food i.e. food that is not super pungent and easy to digest. Adding more fruits and liquid calories would be a good start. Prepping legumes well before you cook them and cooking them down porperly, eating in moderation never caused me issues. I do eat meat and all kinds of foods, My recommendation for sattvik food comes from my own spiritual journey.
This is not black and white, man should focus 100 percent on what is in front of him at all times. The problem with you is a combination of insecurity and lack of options. Your problems are not your car, your hair or even the clothes, food habits yes but the rest no. You should absolutely fix all these things asap, but never because of girls.
Focus on your phd, dont worry about girls, if you are serious about wanting better dating outcomes, do get a car and be a fun socail guy who others party with. Though, you are mostly correct about all this even in the concluding remarks. I would recommend you inculcate inner stillness and focus on dealing with your issues. My dating life is in limbo due to my sabbatical as I would have a much more fun time doing it once I make money and leave this place for a much better location. Good luck and good on you for recognising your issues.
Thanks for all the advice. I think I need to get back to meditation, which should help with all of this. Also yes eating less beans/greasy food would be good too!
Good luck, fix your food, be the centre of attention. Most issues that put women off are ones we carry inside, fixing them is a great first step.
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Are you limiting your dating pool to vegans/people who care about the environment and such things? And with the running and biking and swimming and bean-eating, are you maybe too thin, do you have like a veganface ?
It is a strange idea to have an exclusive sexual relationship without sex, or at least future plans for sex. Don’t kids call it just friends, no benefits? Although now that I think about it, I know one old guy who stayed with a woman for eight years, in his twenties, and he wasn’t getting any either, ever (this bothered him a lot, and mind, no one involved was religious, or ugly). The relationship ended when he first met his girlfriend’s sister, who had sex with him that very night. So at least you got off early.
Not limited to vegans or environmentalists, but both of those things are important values of mine that might drive people away who don't agree, which is fine. I don't think I'm too thin. My BMI is ~22.5 (trying to lower my weight slightly to get faster again, but won't go much below a BMI of 21.5-22). Don't think I have veganface, but you can decide for yourself.
I thought the relationship would be quickly sexual. To be clear, we did make out, but every time I tried to escalate towards sex (i.e. fingering, taking off clothes), I was shut down. The discussion that prompted the break-up was me saying that I wasn't cool with this.
Nothin‘ wrong with that face. Although I wouldn’t push it to the limit, vegan-BMI-wise. The only person I know who died of natural causes before reaching thirty, was a cousin’s girlfriend, a sports-obssessed thin vegan, heart attack. I may be over-using that anecdote to justify my erring on the overweight side, but it’s still true.
Yea I'm gonna be careful. Unfortunately extra weight makes me significantly slower. I gained 20 pounds between spring 2023 and this spring and my times have suffered a lot. I'm trying to lose 3/4 of that weight (I was 155 in 2023, 175 earlier this spring, aiming for somewhere in the range of 160-162, which would put me at a BMI of 21.5 or so). I could lose more but then my swimming/body image will start to suffer.
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I think you'd be better off with a tan (or high carrot juice intake). To me it seems that your dark eyes have too much contrast with your fairly pale skin.
What do you mean by dark eyes lol? My eyes are extremely pale blue. Will think about the carrot juice intake though: sounds tasty.
I guess I mostly looked at the closeup of you running in the sun and your eyes seemed to contrast with your skin a lot.
Noted. Tan and carrot juice are both in the cards because it's summer baby!
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He dated a chick for eight years before meeting her sister? That’s less believable than the no sex thing, unless the ‘dating’ was on the internet or something
The girlfriend was an immigrant, the sister still in the Balkans.
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Don’t worry about what you did. It sounds like she was never attracted to you, and led you on. Great - now you know a little more about avoiding people who don’t respect you. But you didn’t cause her to not be attracted.
Frankly it sounds like you weren’t attracted either. In what world do two people date even for a month without it devolving into something steamy? Not even sex, necessarily, but there is typically a sort of gravitational force that makes at least a deep kiss inevitable. And being denied that, especially at the beginning of a relationship, tends to drive men absolutely nuts, and they will get what they want or sink the relationship trying. Maybe that’s just telling on me, so correct me if you work another way, but the fact that you didn’t flame out on her says to me that you didn’t really want to screw either. And at that point, who cares. Mutual dumb mistake to move on from. You have my sympathy, obviously, but there’s nothing wrong with you for this to happen.
Yea honestly wasn't super attracted to her either, but I hadn't been having much luck dating so thought I would try it out. Should have listened to my gut.
You're 100% correct, I'm not super torn up about not being with this girl, certainly compared to the last one who took me 6 months to get over. It's more of a self-esteem/pride issue at this point, which will heal quickly. And a learning opportunity. If there isn't attraction don't force it. Part of me is a little sad to be losing this friendship, but after the things that this relationship taught me I don't think I want to be friends with her anyway.
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I'm sorry man. Out of curiosity, did the two of you not have sex for the duration of your relationship?
Nope. Not at all. Which would normally be not that big of a deal for me, but was not cool knowing her history.
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The two most devastating kinds of breakups are losing someone you thought you'd spend the rest of your life with, and being dumped by someone you were only barely tolerating. Both attack your self conception because you're in such a different place than you thought you were.
Sorry bro. You'll get over it quick enough. But in the future: Most Favored Nation rules. No commitment until you're at the point she was at with prior partners. Don't chastely date a poly girl.
Thanks man. This is what I'm thinking too. I'm offering the goods for too cheap.
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Don't have anything really helpful on the rest, but:
Swimming always messes up my hair, and I keep mine very short and pretty easy to manage. Leave-in conditioner at the opposite end of the day as my regular shower or after swimming seems to help. I take a full shower at night with shampoo and conditioner. So if I swim or gym in the morning I would just rinse off, but then use a very small amount of leave-in conditioner after. I also started moisturizing my face with a SPF 15 face moisturizer as part of the same routine. I think it at least reduces irritation from shaving.
This is helpful, thanks! Going to get a haircut this weekend and start doing this.
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