The Wednesday Wellness threads are meant to encourage users to ask for and provide advice and motivation to improve their lives. It isn't intended as a 'containment thread' and any content which could go here could instead be posted in its own thread. You could post:
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Requests for advice and / or encouragement. On basically any topic and for any scale of problem.
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Notes -
Prompted by the discussion in the main thread about dating, I just broke up with the girl I'd been seeing for a few months, and am simultaneously relieved and feeling quite bad about myself. We had been friends for about 18 months, and I'd thought she'd liked me for a while but I wasn't particularly interested because she had done polyamory in the past. A few months ago she asked me out, and I initially said no, but changed my mind and said yes with the condition that there would be absolutely no polyamory. We got along really well, so things were good in some sense, but she didn't want to actually be intimate at all (despite complaining to me when we were friends about a previous boyfriend who didn't want to have sex), and told me yesterday when we broke up that she was feeling trapped.
I should never have said yes to this girl in the first place (polyamory is huge red flag), but this whole experience has been kind of a blackpill. She asked me out, so she clearly was attracted to me in some way, but there must have been something I did earlier in the relationship that really turned her off enough not to want to have sex. I don't want to have to be overanalyzing my every move trying to decide if it's given a girl the ick or not. It also didn't seem to matter at all how compatible we were platonically (both vegan, runners, huge readers): she still ended up feeling trapped because she wasn't romantically attracted and I wasn't cool with polyamory.
Some ideas I have for improving things in the future. Firstly, not saying yes to someone just because they asked and it looks good on paper. I knew in my gut that this wasn't going to work. Secondly, I think there are some small things that I can do with my appearance that could prevent the ick in the future: getting different conditioner so my swimmer hair isn't so straw-like, stopping eating beyond meat so I don't fart so badly, and getting rid of some old clothes. Thirdly, I think I need to get a car, or at least move somewhere where most other people don't drive frequently. Unfortunately driving everywhere is seen as a sign of "being a real adult" by a lot of Americans, and I think me biking everywhere might have been a factor in the lack of attraction (although she knew this when she asked me out). Finally, I think I need to get better at scaling my commitment appropriately relative to how much time we've been together, and how much the other person is willing to put into the relationship. This is something I have trouble with in all areas of my life (I'm 0 % or 100%, never in-between).
The dating scene is pretty bleak out there (which is why I said yes to this girl in the first place), and I honestly think this might be a sign to focus on getting my PhD done and making myself more attractive (getting in better shape, earning more money) rather than wasting time dating people in this shitty city.
Are you limiting your dating pool to vegans/people who care about the environment and such things? And with the running and biking and swimming and bean-eating, are you maybe too thin, do you have like a veganface ?
It is a strange idea to have an exclusive sexual relationship without sex, or at least future plans for sex. Don’t kids call it just friends, no benefits? Although now that I think about it, I know one old guy who stayed with a woman for eight years, in his twenties, and he wasn’t getting any either, ever (this bothered him a lot, and mind, no one involved was religious, or ugly). The relationship ended when he first met his girlfriend’s sister, who had sex with him that very night. So at least you got off early.
Not limited to vegans or environmentalists, but both of those things are important values of mine that might drive people away who don't agree, which is fine. I don't think I'm too thin. My BMI is ~22.5 (trying to lower my weight slightly to get faster again, but won't go much below a BMI of 21.5-22). Don't think I have veganface, but you can decide for yourself.
I thought the relationship would be quickly sexual. To be clear, we did make out, but every time I tried to escalate towards sex (i.e. fingering, taking off clothes), I was shut down. The discussion that prompted the break-up was me saying that I wasn't cool with this.
Nothin‘ wrong with that face. Although I wouldn’t push it to the limit, vegan-BMI-wise. The only person I know who died of natural causes before reaching thirty, was a cousin’s girlfriend, a sports-obssessed thin vegan, heart attack. I may be over-using that anecdote to justify my erring on the overweight side, but it’s still true.
Yea I'm gonna be careful. Unfortunately extra weight makes me significantly slower. I gained 20 pounds between spring 2023 and this spring and my times have suffered a lot. I'm trying to lose 3/4 of that weight (I was 155 in 2023, 175 earlier this spring, aiming for somewhere in the range of 160-162, which would put me at a BMI of 21.5 or so). I could lose more but then my swimming/body image will start to suffer.
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I think you'd be better off with a tan (or high carrot juice intake). To me it seems that your dark eyes have too much contrast with your fairly pale skin.
What do you mean by dark eyes lol? My eyes are extremely pale blue. Will think about the carrot juice intake though: sounds tasty.
I guess I mostly looked at the closeup of you running in the sun and your eyes seemed to contrast with your skin a lot.
Noted. Tan and carrot juice are both in the cards because it's summer baby!
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