site banner
PaperclipPerfector  3mo ago (text post)   1639 thread views

Wellness Wednesday for August 20, 2025

The Wednesday Wellness threads are meant to encourage users to ask for and provide advice and motivation to improve their lives. It isn't intended as a 'containment thread' and any content which could go here could instead be posted in its own thread. You could post:

  • Requests for advice and / or encouragement. On basically any topic and for any scale of problem.

  • Updates to let us know how you are doing. This provides valuable feedback on past advice / encouragement and will hopefully make people feel a little more motivated to follow through. If you want to be reminded to post your update, see the post titled 'update reminders', below.

  • Advice. This can be in response to a request for advice or just something that you think could be generally useful for many people here.

  • Encouragement. Probably best directed at specific users, but if you feel like just encouraging people in general I don't think anyone is going to object. I don't think I really need to say this, but just to be clear; encouragement should have a generally positive tone and not shame people (if people feel that shame might be an effective tool for motivating people, please discuss this so we can form a group consensus on how to use it rather than just trying it).

3
Top Bottom Old Controversial Comments
Jump in the discussion.

No email address required.

Hello Motte Friends!

I've been getting more involved in my local rave scene as part of my effort to get a girlfriend. This post is part an anthropology post like @self_made_human's, part progress report, and part discussing strategy

What the scene is like

  • The motto is Peace, Love, Unity, Respect (PLUR). A general attitude of being accepting, vulnerable, and spreading positive vibes prevails. Drug use is common, but not nearly as universal as outsiders think. It only takes a minority of people to completely change a groups vibe (IMO for the better). Contact high is real.
  • The accepting attitude means you get a wide range of people and subcultures. You'll often see PhDs and tradesmen chatting. It's extremely internet influenced. I tell people the main way to tell if an event is a rave or just a club night is the presence of animal ears. God bless neko girls.
  • The music and dancing is nominally the main reason everyone's there, but half the action is floating around and chatting with people off the dance floor. Most people are way more open to conversation and connection than normal.
  • There are different tiers of events (duh). The biggest ones have the most single girls, but they're so loud and crowded it's hard to talk to them. The smallest ones are mostly attended by the people that go to every event, almost all the girls there are taken. There's a real goldilocks zone in between the two.
  • Lots of events are invite only or minimally advertised. The people that go to every event are often part of the crew for these. These are often ideal places to meet people. Almost every event has an after party. Getting invited usually requires knowing someone on the crew.

What I did, how it turned out

  • I went to every event I could and brought a polaroid camera. I went around, walking up to random people and offering to take people's pictures. The acceptance rate was around 95%.
  • This almost always lead to a follow up conversation and me becoming friendly with their circle for the rest of the night. I would be gifts or invites to other events.
  • I tried using this as an in to talk to the beautiful girls in elaborate costumes I saw at every event. They all ended up asking for photos with their boyfriends, which I obliged. Rule of thumb I learned was the more complex the outfit, the more likely they're taken.
  • In terms of romantic results, I made out with one girl after taking her picture. That didn't go anywhere after I learned she was poly. I used polaroid as an icebreaker on behalf of my friends, resulting in one hook up and one date. Girls who I'm not interested in sometimes flirt with me.
  • I made friendly with one particular crew to the point I'm invited to every event they're involved with + after parties. In that social circle way more people know me and my name than the other way around. Is this the social proof thing people talk about?
  • I got cool with their organizer, who unironically knows hundreds of people. I asked him to introduce me to potential partners and he agreed. Hasn't happened yet but he says he's looking.

Advice/Difficulties

  • I don't know how to dance with other people, especially how to dance up to a girl to get her attention. Any advice here? I often find myself dancing faster than everyone else.
  • At these events I'm talking to a lot of people, but it stays surface level, light hearted. I don't really know how to flirt. I've been told I'm attractive when the conversation gets passionate or philosophical, but I don't know how to guide a conversation there.

I don't really know how to flirt

If you cannot play the "game", just be very direct while being open to rejection. Direct compliments on her, asking for her number, offer to buy a drink, offer to dance etc. You don't have to come up with a unique interesting conversation to approach each stranger. Since you seem to be doing the numbers, you will quickly learn what works often and what doesn't. Also, get a wingman (preferably female). Also get somewhat buzzed/high but not too much. Also start smoking or vaping.

I don't know how to dance with other people

Maybe where you are this is different, but I have never met anyone while dancing in a rave. It is too loud and chaotic. There are usually some chilling areas for smoking or resting. That is where I have had 99% of every random conversation I have ever had in such events.

P.S. "girl who is interested in you but you aren't interested in her" has probably friends around! She will probably introduce you to them if you don't totally ignore her. They might be prettier.

What is this place?

This website is a place for people who want to move past shady thinking and test their ideas in a court of people who don't all share the same biases. Our goal is to optimize for light, not heat; this is a group effort, and all commentators are asked to do their part.

The weekly Culture War threads host the most controversial topics and are the most visible aspect of The Motte. However, many other topics are appropriate here. We encourage people to post anything related to science, politics, or philosophy; if in doubt, post!

Check out The Vault for an archive of old quality posts. You are encouraged to crosspost these elsewhere.


Why are you called The Motte?

A motte is a stone keep on a raised earthwork common in early medieval fortifications. More pertinently, it's an element in a rhetorical move called a "Motte-and-Bailey", originally identified by philosopher Nicholas Shackel. It describes the tendency in discourse for people to move from a controversial but high value claim to a defensible but less exciting one upon any resistance to the former. He likens this to the medieval fortification, where a desirable land (the bailey) is abandoned when in danger for the more easily defended motte. In Shackel's words, "The Motte represents the defensible but undesired propositions to which one retreats when hard pressed."

On The Motte, always attempt to remain inside your defensible territory, even if you are not being pressed.


New post guidelines

If you're posting something that isn't related to the culture war, we encourage you to post a thread for it. A submission statement is highly appreciated, but isn't necessary for text posts or links to largely-text posts such as blogs or news articles; if we're unsure of the value of your post, we might remove it until you add a submission statement. A submission statement is required for non-text sources (videos, podcasts, images).

Culture war posts go in the culture war thread; all links must either include a submission statement or significant commentary. Bare links without those will be removed.

If in doubt, please post it!


Rules


Recommended Posts And Communities

Recommended Realtime Chats