The Wednesday Wellness threads are meant to encourage users to ask for and provide advice and motivation to improve their lives. It isn't intended as a 'containment thread' and any content which could go here could instead be posted in its own thread. You could post:
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Requests for advice and / or encouragement. On basically any topic and for any scale of problem.
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Updates to let us know how you are doing. This provides valuable feedback on past advice / encouragement and will hopefully make people feel a little more motivated to follow through. If you want to be reminded to post your update, see the post titled 'update reminders', below.
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Advice. This can be in response to a request for advice or just something that you think could be generally useful for many people here.
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Encouragement. Probably best directed at specific users, but if you feel like just encouraging people in general I don't think anyone is going to object. I don't think I really need to say this, but just to be clear; encouragement should have a generally positive tone and not shame people (if people feel that shame might be an effective tool for motivating people, please discuss this so we can form a group consensus on how to use it rather than just trying it).
Jump in the discussion.
No email address required.
Notes -
First situation:
You can at max. (since she is platonic friend) consider one long talk about the situation with her. After that, you need to step back regarding the situation from your side and let your friend pick her choice (or pick her type of poison). Consider it as a experiment on you also. The experiment of stopping being the white knight in shining armor out there to protect the damsel in distress. In the one talk, you can explain to her few things (which partly or fully, you likely have already done):
This man who has not left his long term GF is treating her like a second priority (side-hoe). If she considers him to be someone really special, then she should be expecting the same level of feeling from his side also (which he isn't doing). Such an imbalanced relationship is bound to cause long term problems even if she is feeling great about it from an emotional point of view.
You are framing in it "smart" "sensible" analytical way, while your friend is working at a high emotional framework. You may remind her that excitement and emotional intensity alone are not the substitute for stability or genuine love over a long term. Particularly when at this juncture, she should be focusing on her career/PhD.
some sample statements which can used for her: a. You deserve someone who chooses you first. b. How people treat their current partners is how they will treat you later. So, choose wisely. c. I am here to talk about things, but I will not support decisions which hurt you or others (other GF).
Basically, you have to stop trying to control her (and she should not feel that either). Give your assessment and step back (it is your boundary-building exercise).
Second Situation:
In general, Sexual attraction is driven by emotional impulses, preselection, and status signals - not rational calculus or moral standing.
Preselection: women are attracted to men who are chosen by other women (like this friend is attracted to a person having already a GF). This is a very strange concept when you look at it from moral POV, but it is a very common situation.
Taking initiative while displaying self-confidence (going to overconfidence, social aggressiveness, risk-taking) and self-interest (lying / faking, going through extreme selfishness to cheating) is attractive trait.
Smart and moral Passive men are unattractive. They choose the destiny of always giving advice, friend-zoned, and never rewarded romantically or sexually. Or they only get rewards, when women have exhausted all other options and then they are the fail-safe (and even then these same women never forget their "special guy", as correctly mentioned somewhere in George Hale's answer).
So, be bold, show self-interest (and not other-interest at expense of self-interest), disregard your social nervousness, and get away from socially/romantically asymmetrical situations/relationships/friendships. and yes, keep your moral compass correct also (gotta sleep well at night).
Thanks for the advice. I have basically done what you suggest in the first part. We’ve had a long conversation over text, and I told her that I’ll talk to her on the phone if she wants, but she’s basically heard everything I have to say so she shouldn’t bring it up again.
Second section is also good advice. I generally need to stand up for my interests (all my interests, not just this) in life more. I can do this without violating any kind of moral code.
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