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PaperclipPerfector  6d ago (text post)   2205 thread views

Small-Scale Question Sunday for November 2, 2025

Do you have a dumb question that you're kind of embarrassed to ask in the main thread? Is there something you're just not sure about?

This is your opportunity to ask questions. No question too simple or too silly.

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For men: in a relationship, do you ask about your partner's body count? Or perhaps you don't ask about it, but ask certain other questions like attitudes about casual sex? Does asking about it actually help with the preoccupation at all? How do you get over it?

Hell no I don't ask. I have a rough idea and that's bad enough, I know it would destroy me to get more info. I wish I knew how to get over it. I've been struggling with the mental health issues of my wife having had sex with other people (whereas she was my first) for almost 10 years now. Stoicism helps me some (and indeed it's the reason I got into Stoicism), but I'm not always feeling rational enough where appeals to philosophy can convince my brain to quiet down. Therapy didn't help at all. At this point I've given up on fixing it and figure I'll just have to live with the pain until the day I die.

Yes, see, this is why I was so resistant in my previous threads on this subject when some people were like "why do you dislike premarital sex so much? Have you tried just giving up your values?" I think I am pretty similar to you. Yes, I think it's best if I do not know. Thanks for your reply.

I have what I believe to be natural male jealousy and insecurity, probably similar to both of you.

I have a higher body count and volume of experience than my wife. This is something you may not want to do, and statistically it makes your future relationships more likely to fail, but having been around the block at least once will calibrate the value of sex to something less than how you view it now. I won't say what's right or what's wrong on that, but I do believe there's a difference between sex and "lovemaking".

Another reason why having at least some experience is important is that you realize that many women are terrible lays. Given how little they have to actually do, a natural conclusion is that men are pretty fucking bad at sex as well. I historically took some comfort in the fact that even if I was with someone who had been with more people, I was above par.

My biggest concern for you right now is that some of that insecurity - that another dude before you is a better lay and satisfied her more deeply - may be true because you have no experience. It took years to elevate my technique, and sex that felt transcendent in my second year doing it seems like amateur hour in comparison to what I did later. To be clear this isn't anything exotic - even 1-1 monogamous and toy-free sex requires a lot of effort. There's a huge sleight of hand in the US Christian culture, at least, where everyone's pretending they're not having sex when they actually are, and realizing that really pissed my wife off for years. Christian women, IME, aren't interested in virgin men.

I haven't really answered your question yet. First: no, I don't ask about historical body count. It only has the potential to be bad news. I believe you can learn about someone's tastes and preferences effectively without hearing that Joe from Accounting was the first one to put a thumb in her ass. All it would do is make me jealous.

The second thing is that true emotional connection and enthusiasm is a huge force multiplier for high-quality sex. If you are a great partner in all the other ways and love sex with them, you'll be at or near the top of their historical experiences.

Can you name your fear? Is it that you won't be the best? That they'll cheat? Because you do need to suss out the probablity of the latter happening. I don't think going into the gory details helps. If it's the former, you should know that people live with that reality all the time.

There's a huge sleight of hand in the US Christian culture, at least, where everyone's pretending they're not having sex when they actually are, and realizing that really pissed my wife off for years.

Why did that piss her off?

Recognizing that such a huge percentage of your family, friends, schoolmates, etc. that are part of your culture were all lying to you doesn't feel great. I don't think she had sexual FOMO, but who knows, maybe that was part of it too.

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