The Wednesday Wellness threads are meant to encourage users to ask for and provide advice and motivation to improve their lives. It isn't intended as a 'containment thread' and any content which could go here could instead be posted in its own thread. You could post:
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Requests for advice and / or encouragement. On basically any topic and for any scale of problem.
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Updates to let us know how you are doing. This provides valuable feedback on past advice / encouragement and will hopefully make people feel a little more motivated to follow through. If you want to be reminded to post your update, see the post titled 'update reminders', below.
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Advice. This can be in response to a request for advice or just something that you think could be generally useful for many people here.
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Encouragement. Probably best directed at specific users, but if you feel like just encouraging people in general I don't think anyone is going to object. I don't think I really need to say this, but just to be clear; encouragement should have a generally positive tone and not shame people (if people feel that shame might be an effective tool for motivating people, please discuss this so we can form a group consensus on how to use it rather than just trying it).
Jump in the discussion.
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It's not so much my death I'm worrying about — again, there are times I consider hastening it to the present — but the utter purposelessness and futility of my existence. Why live another 30 (miserable) years, when there's just no point to any of it? When no matter how much longer I live, it won't amount to anything?
What good things?
That would require that I enjoy something. I don't. Nothing brings me enjoyment. Every moment I continue to draw breath is misery… and it will always be this way. I will never be happy. There will never be even a moment of joy between now and my death, only pain.
So why keep going, if not for some purpose? For some reason to keep going through this miserable existence, instead of just ending my suffering now? But I don't have one that I have any hope of pursuing.
(And don't recommend meds or therapy. This is me on meds, and I'm seeing a therapist pretty regularly.)
The purpose of life isn't pleasure, it's agency. What are you doing to help other humans, to create beauty or to add order to the world?
If you live with a parent and many small children, then there are certainly parts of your daily environment that desperately need to be put in order, repaired, or spruced up. Can you tidy up, repair or clean one thing per day in your living space? That's valuable even if it eventually gets messed up again. I tend to think the outdoor living space is better to start on, but I don't live in Alaska.
If you live near the most-shoplifted Walmart in the entire world, then there are many areas of community life in your area where help is urgently needed. Maybe that's in direct ministry to the elderly, children, animals, maybe it's in civic areas like cleanup, archiving, lobbying, research, information management. The time of an intelligent, conscientious person who writes well is a tremendously valuable resource. As others have said, can you find an organization that is doing good and regularly contribute your time in service to them?
And unpopular take, but if you're consuming a lot of porn or other superstimulating media (including internet), cut it out. If you're already displeased with how your motivation/reward systems are working, then start by not deliberately screwing up your dopamine circuitry any more than you can help.
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Much of the time what we perceive as misery is closer to disappointment. Buddhism has a lot to say about this (nearly all of it, imo, total bunk) but the whole "desire brings suffering" thing is spot on. Take twenty minutes, sit somewhere without pressing distractions, and focus on the moment. Push all of your worries and expectations out of your mind and just take reality in. The physical sensations, the sights, the sounds, the internal experience of being you. I think you will find existence itself, moment to moment, quite pleasant.
"But why should I let go of my expectations? They're correct! I absolutely should have a healthy marriage/kids/a great career/fame/fortune/health/popularity/a fulfilling hobby. I deserve at least one of those things. Isn't that the bare minimum?"
Of course, I don't mean to downplay what you're going through or tell you to give up. Those desires are still healthy. I just want you to know that there's a very pleasant base-level reality that exists on a much deeper level than your goals and self-conceptions, and visiting it, even staying for a few months, is perfectly fine.
This sounds like meditation, which I've been informed is a very bad idea for schizophrenics like myself.
I have no idea how.
"The internal experience of being me" comes with a lot of angst, and the potential return of the hallucinations despite the meds that currently suppress them.
I haven't before.
I think you're wrong. "Base-level reality" is horrible.
Sitting on a park bench and taking everything in is not meditation. There may be meditative properties to it, but probably less than going on a run or taking a hot shower, or heck trying to fall asleep. The point isn't to empty your mind, or be more conscious of your own thoughts, it's just to experience life and physical sensation without worrying about higher-level things like goals and regrets.
The way to do this--to forget worries, expectations, and ideally your own self-conception--is not to remove them or push them out per se, it's to replace them and focus your attention on other things. Preoccupy yourself with more immediate things like the way the light filters through the trees, and other things will naturally take a back seat. You can't successfully order yourself not to think about pink elephants, but you can make your mind busy enough with other things to accomplish something similar.
There were a few months in college when I had just been broken up with by the only girlfriend I thought I'd ever have, I had bad grades, I was taking steroids that made me extremely anxious around everyone and about everything, and I had severe ulcerative colitis, which sent me to the bathroom every thirty minutes or so to experience waves of searing-hot pain and crap out a few ounces of blood. The physical experience was by far the most painful thing I've ever felt, and if anything the surrounding life circumstances were even worse.
Still, I found that taking it moment by moment--ignoring the higher-level stuff my brain was telling me and focusing on reality itself--even the worst moments of pain were not just endurable, but downright pleasant. David Foster Wallace puts it better than I can.
I'm not telling you to give up on your ego entirely. For that matter, I'm not convinced the many people who say that they have are being honest. But there are stories we tell about our own lives that do more harm than good. We all need stories to get by, goals and dreams and aspirations and regrets and self-conceptions, but it's valuable to be consciously aware that this story-level reality is not base-level reality, that there exists a level of experience beneath and supporting all of that. It is possible for your stories to be wrong. They do not define you, they just preoccupy you and disappoint you. You can find better replacements, stories that inspire you.
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First of all, I get you on at least some level. The personal side of me notices that there have been times even within the last few years where quite literally I am only alive because I didn't want to inflict suffering on my family and friends. And honestly I think that's a totally fine and complete reason to keep existing. I'm not sure your exact situation, but hopefully something similar applies.
The religious/more generalized-spiritual side of me says that you should spend some time helping others if you have nothing to be thankful for. Literally and physically volunteer. Despite its spiritual roots, I'm pretty sure this is a quite practical suggestion as well. Pessimistically, say we agree with your claim that you enjoy quite literally nothing and are quite literally miserable 24/7... you can still find a degree of purpose by helping others, which is real.
(On that note, I'd suggest - though I haven't personally read yet - Man's Search for Meaning by Victor Frankl, which might jive with your situation a bit.)
The heartless statistics side of me says that regular exercise is quite literally just as if not more effective than meds or therapy, so... do that. Stupid, annoying, but clearly works. It's almost literally the most durable scientific finding in all of depression research, despite being one of the hardest to do for obvious reasons (it may be useful to recruit someone to bully you into it, or do it with you - be vulnerable and ask). The statistics of these kinds of states are weird - for example, I intellectually know, it's an established fact, that if I don't get enough sleep, I get extremely depressed at night before bed. That knowledge doesn't quite help in that actual moment, not a ton, but that does slightly help me frame what's "real" properly.
The more neuroscience/quirky side of me suggests that you break out of mental ruts in a deliberate way. For example, I was also recently recommended, of all things, a book called Impro, a set of essays about improv, but as a life-outlook kind of book. One exercise therein is silly but I do believe it "works": Simply spend a few minutes walking around the room and shouting out loud the wrong names for things. Allegedly, this can help you experience the world more vividly for a few moments. I'm not sure that particular exercise is of value to you, but the general concept of "do something deliberately weird or crazy" might be. Frame things differently, and be a little extreme about it. How this might manifest for you? Do something extremely quirky or way outside the norm as a birthday activity. Show up at a local coffee shop and start complimenting strangers. Go to the bank, withdraw a ton of single dollar bills, and give them away to people. Dress up for some banal errands. That kind of thing.
I was going to reply with all my various objections and nitpicks about these suggestions (like mentioning how I go for regular walks, or my landlords' noise rules, or our anti-panhandling laws), but why bother?
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as scale increases, none of us matter
all will die, decay, and be forgotten
when your perspective is small enough, lots of things you do matter
get a pet, take care of the pet
I can't even afford to take care of myself, really. Over half my income goes to rent + utilities; food is about 75%-80% of what's left. I wash my underwear in my bathroom sink and hang it to dry to save on laundry costs.
you can start very small with that, too
catch a toad outside and put it in a jar
food can be caught or bought for a few dollars
taking care of other things makes me happy and brings me joy
Another option might be volunteering. IDK what things are like in Anchorage, but by me there are all kinds of charitable organizations (e.g. Habitat for Humanity) that are always looking for volunteers. It's free (obviously), often pretty easy to do (because they want to make it easy to get volunteers contributing), you will generally get to socialize with people while you are there, and it feels good to do something to help others.
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Sorry, I'm not really sure how best to answer your questions. Would you truly say, upon introspection, that you have literally zero joy every single day? I assume you're telling the truth and that you feel that way at this moment, but let's say tomorrow morning or another time once your brain has had a chance to reset. There's not even one second of joy? Not something as simple as a hot shower, listening to good music, or eating a tasty meal? It seems to me like there is likely to be something, however small and insignificant it may seem right now, that you do enjoy. Obviously I'm not you and can't say for sure. But if there is anything, then perhaps focusing on those things can help. Or perhaps not. All I can say is that approach has helped me at times.
I wish I had some pat answer I could give you of "do this one weird trick and you'll be happier", but unfortunately I don't. Honestly I don't even have any training or knowledge on how to help people who struggle with their mental health. But for what it's worth, I'm genuinely sorry thar you are in so much pain. You seem like a decent guy, and it sounds like life has dealt you a pretty rough hand. I wish I could do more to help, brother.
Take depression, add the anhedonia that is one of the "negative" symptoms of schizophrenia on top of that, and bundle it with being an utter failure at life.
That's not something I hear very often, particularly on an online forum where my political views are known.
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