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naraburns  nihil supernum  1yr ago (text post)   34588 thread views

Culture War Roundup for the week of January 30, 2023

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This is probably the right analysis in regards to polyamory in 99% of normal situations. The curveball is that this is an effective altruism event, and the whole point of effective altruism is to apply rationality and scientific argument to charity in order to maximize happiness and minimize suffering.

So some guy comes along and says, "You know what generates a lot of happiness? sex. Yet most people don't have nearly as much sex as they could be having. If more people were poly and didn't let jealousy or embarrassment get in the way of having more sex, then there would be much more happiness in the world." This is a very basic utilitarian argument. The kind of argument that EA is full of.

Now, our heroine has three options here. She can:

  1. Accept the argument, become poly, and have easy sex.

  2. Have a principled consequentialist reason why the above argument isn't valid, or at the very least does not apply to her.

  3. Say, "Yes, your argument is good but I still prefer monogamy so I'm not going to join your polycule".

Options 1 or 2 are acceptable. Option 3 simply doesn't fit in an EA framework. You're surrounded by people who dedicate their lives, pick jobs based on EA criteria, or become vegetarian even though they love eating meat, and yet you are admitting to selfishly leaving utility on the ground.

Frankly, the argument isn't that hard to refute. I'd argue that anyone that doesn't accept it who can't (or doesn't want to) refute it should not have any decision-making power at any EA organization at all. The bar needs to be higher than that.

Being nasty here, there's also Option 4:

"Yes, your argument is good, people don't have as much sex as they could be having, and if I were poly and didn't let jealousy or embarassment get in the way of having more sex then I would be happier. So I will now go and offer to be poly with that hot, rich, high-status guy over there, thanks for convincing me!"

If she ain't into you, bro, all the rational argument in the world won't convince her. As to leaving utility on the ground, the counter-argument is weighing up the utility, if any, of having sex with Polycule Guy versus not having sex with him and having it with someone else, and if the utility of "someone else" seems higher, then not joining his polycule is the right decision. Which is better: a quarter share in him or the whole of a different relationship? Is he that hot, clever, rich and high-status that being one of a harem is better than being the monogamous partner of someone else? Is sex that important to her that it does make her happier than some other activity? Would sex with Polycule Guy make her happier?

Have a principled consequentialist reason why the above argument isn't valid, or at the very least does not apply to her.

"The happiness I gain from exclusivity far outweighs the happiness I gain from lots of crap sex."?

Because that's... all it is, isn't it?

I take it that's what he was getting at with the last paragraph, the one starting "Frankly, the argument isn't that hard to refute".

Or just "You don't appeal to me sexually, and since your argument would equally apply to me having random sex with any person at all I met on the street, and I do not agree that would make me happier, then I reject your premises".

'yes more sex might make me happier but only if it's with someone I find attractive and I don't find you attractive' is, I think, the underlying reason and why the guys tried arguing her into being poly, because nobody wants to think they're not attractive.

Isn't it valid to say "I get jealous and it makes me feel bad and I don't think it's something I need to work on. Thanks"?

No, because then you're opening yourself up to needling and further evangelising about why feeling jealousy is sub-optimal and blah blah blah.

Jealousy is a form of mental illness/evolutionary baggage I have and thought leader said it was okay not to resolve that stuff before I consider your offer to join your polycule.

https://twitter.com/ESYudkowsky/status/1445193026641412096

Rephrase option 3 as "Sorry, I'm narrowmantic." Now it sounds logical and scientific and pushing further would make you a bigot.

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