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Start doing Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. It's got everything for the midlife crisis male:
-- You, too, can be 34 in a karate class. Takes you back to being a kid, with coaches to yell at you for doing things wrong, bullies who you resent for being dumber yet bigger and meaner than you, meaningless make work that you put yourself through because you are a teacher's pet, and the joy of actually getting good at something meaningful. You'll never want to tell anyone about it, for fear of seeming lame, so it's a fun personal secret.
-- Much like being a sports fan is gambling a bit of your happiness on the birds every weekend, BJJ is gambling a bit of your happiness on your own performance every week on the mat. Every round is a little stake of a little bit of my sense of self worth, and when it goes badly I'm down about it; but when it goes well I'm up like nothing else, the feeling of defeating a resisting man in the most clear way possible. The midlife crisis corporate job blues are, largely, about the lack of highs and lows, the feeling that one's life is flattening out. BJJ will, especially in the first year or so, deliver big wins and big losses. I can't tell anyone about the wins and losses, outside of my anonymous internet friends, because I'm 34 in a karate class and I'm just a new guy in some strip mall gym in small town PA, it would be uncouth to talk about. But man, the first time I tapped an opponent, it carried me through another month of training. Same when I started beating my best friend who started at the same time, the first time I tapped a blue belt, the first time I tapped my coach. I can remember distinctly things like hitting a shoulder crunch and the coach saying "wow that was a beautiful sweep," or just the first time I really nailed an arm drag; and embarrassing things like the first time I rolled with The Spider and he dominated me so badly I cardio tapped, or when the Gorilla mother's milked me and I wanted to ragequit on the day. BJJ provides you with something to make the days seem less same-y.
-- It gives you an aesthetic excuse for why you shave your head. Or, if your midlife crisis rolls in that direction, why you get tattoos.
-- It can be done with kids, as they grow up. My coach basically started the gym because his son came up in the hobby to the point where he was competing nationally constantly, and if it was already taking over their lives he might as well make a little money. It ages well, until your kid is full grown, you can play a tricky old-man-strength bottom half game against him even if he is better than you pound-for-pound.
-- It's relatively low cost, as good midlife crisis hobbies go. Classes where I am run $120/month for unlimited attendance, if I had the time and didn't injure myself I could go every day, even multiple times a day. The equipment is basically just the clothing, and even if you buy all specialized stuff you're only talking about maybe $300 to start and another $100 a year. You can, of course, spend a ton of money on ugly rashguards, competition entry fees, seminars, instructionals, private lessons. But the cost of the classes and equipment is the tires for a sports car or a good road bike or a set of golf clubs, so as midlife crises go you're getting off cheap.
-- Injuries. You'll come to a meeting with a black eye, or mysterious forearm bruises, or eight stitches on your lip which leave a permanent Mensur scar. Actually, some of that's just me, I have a very punchable face. But yesterday I got slammed at the end of a wrestling class and tweaked my neck badly, and for a day or two I'm going to feel like a complete idiot for getting involved in this, but Monday I'll probably feel good enough to go back to class and I'll want revenge, that fucking beardo wrestler is getting triangled and kimura'd all round. Another way to add drama to your life.
-- Community. I'm not going to sit here and write a bit about it, but you'll make friends instantly. And in all likelihood you'll get to be The Nerd again, not a nerd but The Nerd.
Other than that. Road bicycling is popular around me, my wife joked that last summer I just hit the middle-age curve and needed to ride my bike 100 miles, it combines a smaller part of the equipment consciousness of car racing with the cardio of jogging. Hunting is good down by you, right? Another primal feeling of killing and skinning your own, and you get the freezer full of venison out of it. Whitewater depends heavily on your access, but of all the XTREME sports it probably delivers the best thrills:training/fitness ratio. Powerlifting probably has the oldest guys setting PRs and world records, so for longevity it can't be beat.
I like the BJJ idea. I've been weightlifting recently and that helps. Sadly tho I am hypermobile and have some chronic pain issues so I've felt like BJJ might be a problem for me. I've considered other types of martial art.
Hunting doesn't reaaaalllyy appeal to me, though I do enjoy camping. Idk, I'm considering getting into another line of work or something.
As somebody who is also hypermobile and has joint issues, it's actually not too bad. You just have to know your limits and be willing to tap out when somebody has you dead to rights.
The broken fingers, however, are a lot harder to avoid.
Ahh fascinating. Huh! Maybe I'll stop making excuses and give it a try one of these days.
Wish I had a buddy to do it with though.
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