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I've been asked by a mod to repost this here, so here goes!
What Is The Problem With Women?
We've often discussed, and it seems we will continue to discuss, what is going on in the Battle of the Sexes. I have to hold my hands up and admit that very often in such dispatches, I am the one defending women and criticising the behaviour and the attitudes of men.
But it is also undeniable that some women are fudging stupid. Or at the very least, so it appears. We've argued over "women prefer the Bad Boys to the Nice Guys" but there comes a point where it seems to be sheer self-destruction at work, because how could anyone stick with a guy like the one in this story?
So, to do justice to the gentlemen here with whom I have argued, here is the sorry story of a woman who apparently had not a brain in her head. Her family warned her off, her friends warned her off, even on a first date she knew this was a bad idea - and she still ended up marrying him and having two children with him while he was irresponsible, controlling, and abusive.
Why? I can't explain it to you in any way that makes sense. Even she doesn't know why, looking back. There are some hints that, in line with theories of such behaviour, she was drawn (for whatever reason) to abusive men, like a typical victim who keeps going back to the same kind of relationship after getting out of the last one. But as to what was at work here, who knows? I can't imagine any evo-psych explanation for this that makes any sense at all, not even the "women evolved to tolerate rape because women who resisted rape got murdered when the barbarian horde over-ran the village and killed all the men and took all the women" kind of thing.
An Irish divorce story.
It gets worse from there, until finally she won't put up with it anymore and leaves. Why she didn't run a mile after the first date, I have no explanation. This is a stupid (and indeed, dangerous) choice she made of her own free (so it seems) will. Nobody was urging or forcing her to take up with this guy, indeed it was the opposite. She had plenty of chances, and plenty of warning signs. She got pregnant, of her own accord again, (I strongly suspect the first pregnancy was the usual hope around 'a baby will fix this' and the second time, what, she had no access to contraception? highly unlikely) and brought two kids into an unstable situation where the father had no interest in contributing to the family. It was only when things finally became intolerable that she left.
And I genuinely, honestly can't blame men or The Patriarchy or anything else for this. The guy in question was a shithead but she knew that from the immediate start. There's nothing in her story, as told, about her family pressuring her to get married or settle down with anyone, much less this guy. She did it all herself.
Modern society is quite good at shaming certain crude sexual impulses commonly expressed in men, whilst romanticizing and encouraging the kind of sexual expression often exhibited by women. With few expectations of self control when it comes to how women should behave around men, it only makes sense that some would make terrible choices driven by impulse rather than intellect.
Men are taught to contain their sexual desire from the moment they enter puberty. I might feel a strong force pulling me to stare mesmerized at the cleavage of my female classmates, but if I entertain it, I will be ridiculed and shamed. I am taught quite clearly that just because I have a crush on someone, I should not expect her to like me back. It is sometimes necessary to suppress my natural, sexual desires. Simply being attracted to someone does not mean I should pursue them.
And with this last point, I think, lies the issue. Any young girl who is crude in the way that men are crude, is also likely to be ridiculed and shamed. However, no one teaches women that feeling attracted or turned on is not necessarily a good reason to try and have sex. Instead, women are told to express their sexuality in whatever way feels best in the moment. Wear the slutty close, grind on strangers in the club, and by all means pursue that bad boy who you like so much. Repressing your sexuality is unhealthy and connected to ideas of patriarchs wanting women to be nothing more than stay-at-home baby makers. If you feel a crush you are encouraged to go for it. If you feel attracted to someone, then why not have sex with them? It is great fun for both parties!
When women are encouraged to just give in to their impulses like that, it is no wonder that a portion of them end up in bad relationships. I would imagine that beside all his obvious flaws, the ex in question simply turned her on. He knew what buttons to push to make her want him, and she just gave into temptation like she always had.
I don’t think this is true, it’s just that female sexuality is policed by other women more than men in ways that men mostly notice or participate in.
That is also what I have been told by women, so it is probably true. But the direction that they influence each other in matters a lot. If they encourage the behavior I describe, or police those who value self control and long term planning, then my point still stands.
At least in my experience, women are the first to claim that sex is not a big deal and discourage anything that shames promiscuity or a lack of self control.
I think a better counter is that it is easy to find examples of men who ended up in abusive relationships, when they really ought to have known better. So perhaps this is not a woman-specific issue, but rather just that some people lack self control and think with their genitals.
I would argue though, that women sure seem to complain a lot more about landing in abusive relationships than men do, so clearly there is some kind of gendered thing going on here.
My intuitive guess is that this is due to there being a mismatch in how much women rationally expect their complaints to have positive impact in their lives versus how much men rationally expect such. But I'm not sure how much is that versus more women being in abusive relationships or women tending to be in abusive relationships that are more violent.
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