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Is there anything to the stereotype about women and backseat driving? I had not given the issue much thought until I read this in the Babylon Bee:
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https://babylonbee.com/news/look-out-shouts-female-astronaut-as-orion-gets-within-5000-miles-of-moon
When I read this article, I was immediately reminded of both my mother and my ex-wife. Despite many polite and gentle reminders that unsolicited advice on the road is generally distracting and unhelpful, neither of them are that great at resisting the urge to backseat drive.
Is backseat driving really a gendered issue? And if so, what is it about female psychology which makes this so common among women? Perhaps it's just more common for couples to go places with the man driving; that if women were driving it would be men who are stereotypical backseat drivers. From personal experience, I can say that neither my father nor myself do much in the way of backseat driving.
I am asking this question in the culture war thread because female nature is a culture war issue; there is a societal taboo against putting women as a group in a negative light. I am interested in peoples' thoughts independent of the taboo.
Edit: Having had a chance to think about this, I have a hypothesis to throw out:
Backseat driving is driven by an instinctive desire to assert control over a situation. Thus, both men and women have a tendency to backseat drive since pretty much everyone has this kind of instinct. But there are a couple of differences: First is the social expectation for the man in a couple to drive. Second, women are much more averse than men to taking responsibility. The result is that rather than back-seat drive, a man is much more likely to just drive.
Here's a thought experiment: Suppose a couple is driving along and the woman starts back-seat driving. The man might say something like "Ok, why don't you drive?" (And this really happens.) In these types of situations, the woman typically declines the offer. By contrast, a man is more likely to say something like "ok, sounds great, pull over and let's switch places."
A female passenger who criticizes her male driver is being Stunning and Brave in performing the Emotional Labor of speaking up and looking out for herself and any other passengers. A male passenger who criticizes his female driver is toxic, controlling, misogynistic, potentially abusive.
The probability of being a backseat driver can be decomposed into the probability of being a passenger and the probability of being a backseat driver given being a passenger. That is, P(Backseat Driver) = P(Passenger) * P(Backseat Driver | Passenger).
Especially for dating/relationship situations: for women, the probability of being a passenger is substantially higher given that they generally prefer being a Passenger Princess and eschewing the agency and responsibility of being the driver. Men have the burden of performance and need to assume the agency and responsibility of driving.
The probability of being a backseat driver given passenger is also higher for women, since anything that might infringe on the Princess’s safety, comfort, or enjoyment should rightfully be communicated to the chauffeur of a husband/boyfriend. Ugh, the stupid husband/boyfriend should have Just Got It in the first place. Too fast and he’s making her feel unsafe or comfortable, too slow and he’s a wuss wasting her time while she's BORED in the car. A male passenger, as a member of the expendable gender, who expresses that he feels unsafe or uncomfortable risks looking weak and triggering the ick in a girlfriend/wife.
Personally, I’ve rarely gotten backseat driven by men or women. I can’t recall a single time, actually. However, I might be organically pre-empting back-seat driving as a side effect by code-switching my driving depending on the passenger. Tiers in order of increasing safetyism and decreasing assertiveness*:
Base case of myself. Speed limits are just a suggestion, a social construct, whatever I feel like identifying them as. I’ll look to pass any slower drivers in front of me and fill any empty space in front of me so no other drivers will cut me off. Nothing extreme, though—I’ll generally stick to within 35% of the posted speed limit when at high speeds and will (at least half-heartedly) try not to induce road rage in others. If I see a more assertive driver on the road, I’ll happily let them take the lead as a guinea pig for potential speed traps. No accidents or even tickets on my driving history.
Male friends or coworkers. With the added responsibility of transporting someone else, I’ll naturally be a bit more cautious.
Female acquaintances (that is, dates). I’ll drive more cautiously than the base case and the second bullet as to not scare the hoes. Not too cautiously, lest they get the ick from thinking I drive like a wuss. These girls I haven’t each driven around much previously though, because it’s a first/second date—and/or because even if we’ve known each other a while, I almost always send girls taxis/rideshares or one of us takes one (for better convenience/efficiency, and so I don’t risk having to booze cruise at some point). However, I can certainly imagine girlfriends/wives finding more things to complain about as they get driven around more by their boyfriends/husbands.
Similarly-aged male family members, or older ones who I know drive quite assertively themselves.
Women and children family members, materially younger male ones (or older ones who don’t fit bullet 4). I’ll generally try not to exceed 15% of the posted speed limit when at high speeds. Minimal passing of other cars and minimal filling of empty space in front.
As a passenger, though, from what I’ve seen male drivers tend to receive more direct feedback than female drivers from passengers of both genders. Male passengers tend to say stuff like “light is green,” “safe to merge on this side,” “speed limit just increased.” The feedback from female passengers to male drivers tends to be more biting and histrionic in nature, especially when it comes from a girlfriend/wife of the male driver.
* I drive assertively. You drive aggressively. He drives recklessly.
FWIW a lot of the backseat driving I receive is not related to safety issues. For example, I might be driving and see a sign saying my exit is 2 miles away. So I get in the right lane, and otherwise continue driving. Next I see a sign which says the turn-off is 1/2 mile away. I put on my turn signal. Finally there is a sign that the exit is a quarter mile away. At this point, my mother or whoever looks up, notices the sign, and says "Here's our exit!" At that point, I give the same speech I've given many times before: "I know how to read English; I am well aware of this; it's annoying and distracting when you point out obvious things; and if for some reason we miss our exit, it's not a big deal. If you see something which is truly a matter of life and death, feel free to speak up, but otherwise I would appreciate it if you would just let me drive."
I would guess that this is a factor in your experiences. When people are out on dates and it's not with a long-term partner, they generally make an effort to be on better behavior. People (male and female) will say rude things to their spouses which they would never say if they were out on a first or second date. Do you happen to be married?
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