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Why do a lot of women not like acknowledging the practical aspects of dating? By this I mean that women appear to be put off by me simply discussing:
Of course I'm not discussing these topic with women I'm trying to actually date, I'm not that autistic. But if you're trying to actually find a partner to settle down and have kids with, how do you not take all of these into account? Not only does it reek of impracticality, but on an even deeper level, it appears that any attempt to practically model the dating world at all produces a negative female reaction.
(Maybe it's because some of these women don't ever intend on having kids and therefore don't ever have to be realistic about dating.)
I can assure you that a large number of men say the same, even intelligent and reasonable ones.
As a personal example: while I was still in India, I was seriously contemplating minor plastic surgery. I wasn't depressed, I wasn't in a rush; I'd deferred it over a year because my parents had thrown a fit, and they wanted me to try and lose weight and get fitter the old fashioned way (which I did). I'd seen a surgeon. I had a tentative date.
I broached the topic to my closest friend group back home. All men. Handsome men. Smart men. Good with the ladies, even if some of them are clearly in a different league. When I'm with them, I'm acutely aware that I'm not the most handsome man in the group, not even the tallest (there's a real big mf in there). I insist that this is not cause for malignant envy or jealousy, I love those guys. They've been nothing but good to me, and vice versa. They've often told me that they're slightly jealous of me, because of the things I'm good at, or just happen to have a natural talent in. Some of us are taller, some of us are richer, some of us are less depressed. But we're all smart, funny motherfuckers, if I say so myself.
Yet, when I broached the topic, and told them that I'd made up my mind to go ahead? They were surprised, somewhat dismayed, and begged me to reconsider. I was ready for this. I had pre-empted their concerns. I told them:
Their initial reaction was not subtle male intrasexual competition. Nor was their followup response:
They told me I should go to the gym, that I should diet better and get new clothes and groom myself well. I pointed out, quite accurately, that those were not mutually exclusive options, and that I was actually pursuing all of them. This isn't a group of hotter girls telling their slightly chubby friend that the no-makeup "natural" look suits her, or jealous hoes telling their hotter friend that a bob-cut would be a great idea. We don't do this. We are sane, well-adjusted men. We try to lift each other up, instead of pulling each other down like pubic crabs might do to your dating potential.
Their reaction wasn't a lie, not even a subconscious attempt to keep me down. Unlike the feminine example above, going to the gym and getting a good haircut is still good advice. It just ignores the other options on the table.
At this point, they were slightly tongue-tied. They were too honest to tell me that looks didn't matter. They were too honest to tell me that I was misrepresenting myself. They just genuinely wanted what was best for me, and were worried that I was jumping the gun. They sighed, and we moved on. I am happy with that outcome, though I was much less happy about being called back to work on minimal notice, which meant I had to defer the procedure into the indefinite future.
My point is that these are good men, intelligent and introspective men. They know how to read the room. Yet, they are often blind to their own blessings, and quick to discount them. I don't blame them, some of that impulse comes from genuine kindness, from an urge to not let people they care about feel even worse about themselves than they already do.
I try to be kind too, but I am much less willing to trade it off for honesty. This extends to self-assessment and critique: I am painfully honest about my own strengths or weaknesses. I never tell someone complaining about being short that height doesn't matter. I don't tell people who worry that they're not smart enough that intelligence doesn't matter, that it's all hard work. I don't tell my buddies who ask me how I make people laugh so easily that it's a skill that's trivial to pick up, or that much of it isn't innate. I think this makes me a good ethnographer, and I'm self-aware enough to know that some reading this might consider this puffery and self-aggrandizement. Fuck you. I know better, I hedge no more than I need to.
I read papers. I review the old OkCupid blogs. I have a good idea of what works. I am also aware of my own neuroses, that this impulse arises because I grew up with a far more handsome younger brother and best friend (he's part of this friend group). I used to feel much worse about my looks, I would seethe with jealousy. That pot boiled over, I'm mostly at peace with myself. It's incredibly ironic that my brother came out as gay, which makes his appeal to the ladies largely moot. This doesn't change the factual situation, my observations on the difference that 95th+ percentile attractiveness made were very real. The emotional valence might have blunted with time and growing into my own skin, but the truth doesn't change because of it.
I've known plenty of intelligent men who think "SMV" is a tainted, sexist concept. I acknowledge that this is more likely to be a view held by women, but I am sensible enough not to go around talking about SMV with most women, not even most men.
I have found that the majority of women in my sociocultural milieu are reasonably aware of this, in India or otherwise. Then again, they're disproportionately doctors, and you'd expect them to know better. This is probably the biggest delta between sexes, but mostly because men genuinely do age better and hold their attractiveness longer on average. I'm probably more attractive as a partner now than I'd have been 5 years back, and it's going to be a while till I'll truly peak. And that peak? It leads to a plateau and gentle decline.
Finally, it's important to disentangle socially approved canned lines from revealed preferences. Women are much more likely to obsess over makeup, hair dyes, cosmetic procedures. At a deep level, people tend to understand much more strongly than they let on, be it in public or to themselves. I understand the discomfort, I just power through it.
My point, assuming there is a point, is that I think it's unfair to single out women as being unique here. This topic is incredibly uncomfortable for most people. It's socially taboo.
I wish it wasn't, which is why I'm talking about it. The taboo prevents actions that genuinely help, even if, to a degree, this is a Red Queen Race. Teaching everyone to run the same percentage faster doesn't change who wins the race, you just burn more calories on the way. On the other hand, being sensible about your dating prospects or reproductive potential does bring non-rivalrous benefits to yourself and others.
Oh well. If my willingness to be clear-eyed about these things gives me alpha, then I'm not that fussed about other people being idiots, even if my innate honesty and inability to sit by when people are being wrong (on the internet or IRL) often makes me speak up. That's what I'm doing right now.
I think plastic surgery is really just for the hideous and malformed, or those suffering from accidents and the procedure is a return to baseline. If your personality and swagger can't overcome minor imperfections then I doubt any procedure will improve your outcomes. As if anyone you want to marry won't see photos of you from more than three years ago. The point of attractiveness is signal your awesome genes. You getting getting plastic surgery is admitting you seriously doubt you have awesome genes. Why would anyone who understands genetics choose to reproduce with someone who thinks their genes are trash? Isn't there a Chinese movie where both the parents have cosmetic plastic surgery and have really ugly kids?
It would be very funny for me to turn around and complain that I am hideous and malformed, but I'm not that committed to the bit.
Look dude, to be honest, your disapproval doesn't matter to me. That is not meant as an insult, it's a fact. I'm not asking anyone else to get plastic surgery, if you don't like it, don't get it done.
I have a pretty solid personality, even if I wish I was more extroverted. I am not just my genes, and you're talking to a man who is perfectly happy to make minor changes to the genome of his children if the gene engineering tools are available. I don't want them to have myopia or ADHD, and if there's 200 SNPs that predispose me to have the facial features I do, I won't miss them. My brother, after all, shares most of the same genes, and he's far more handsome. Shame that he's gay and that I have to hold up the bloodline for now.
Gene engineering makes this moot, or will make it moot. Most of my genes aren't trash. Most of me isn't trash. You don't see someone taking out a garbage bag and declare that this proves the house should be condemned. Plus, if you have uggo kids, well, the world has room for ugly people. They can get plastic surgery too.
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