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Why do a lot of women not like acknowledging the practical aspects of dating? By this I mean that women appear to be put off by me simply discussing:
Of course I'm not discussing these topic with women I'm trying to actually date, I'm not that autistic. But if you're trying to actually find a partner to settle down and have kids with, how do you not take all of these into account? Not only does it reek of impracticality, but on an even deeper level, it appears that any attempt to practically model the dating world at all produces a negative female reaction.
(Maybe it's because some of these women don't ever intend on having kids and therefore don't ever have to be realistic about dating.)
Men talking about dating in a strategic manner or discussing it as a market-based supply/demand-driven matching process ruins women’s Disneyian notion of courtship and romance as a FUN, magical process that Just Happens. Courtship and romance are things that Just Happen to women like acts of God while they passively exist, so there’s no feedback cycle to disabuse them of such a notion aside from the possible exception of men talking about it.
On top of the fun and magic aspect, women are quite sensitive about 1) signaling and protecting their own personal Wonderfulness and 2) signaling and protecting the Wonderfulness of women as a whole. Men discussing dating in a practical manner may say things that are perceived to be unflattering to women’s Wonderfulness.
Kind of like how, in talking with a four-year-old about how presents get under the Christmas tree, explaining supply chain logistics and household finances takes the fun and magic out of it. The child will actually feel better about and be more satisfied with some platitudes involving elves, Santa Claus, reindeer, and chimneys. At least children aren’t as sensitive about their personal wonderfulness or the wonderfulness of children as a whole, so such discussions are easier to navigate.
Men discussing and/or practicing looksmaxxing is toxic, problematic, and misogynistic as it implies that women are shallow and primarily value appearance. In contrast, if women spend a lot of their effort and energy on makeup and clothing it’s because they’re victims of a misogynistic culture that Socializes them into thinking they’re only valued for their appearance.
Additionally, women want naturals, not someone who looksmaxxed their way to trick some poor woman into dating an imposter. See, for example, how much the thought of men getting limb-lengthening surgery (or even just wearing lifts) triggers ick and seethe in women. Or the thought of men strategically exploiting social media to inspire female mate-choice copying (which totally doesn’t exist by the way, since everyone knows women are strong and independent thinkers and could never fall for such a thing).
Relatedly, women hate the thought of men grinding approaches to gain EXP, or grinding approaches/shotgunning messages to play the numbers game. Surely each woman is infinitely unique in her Wonderfulness and women cannot be treated like hack-and-slashing monsters for item drops in a video game.
Many women get butthurt that a large part of women’s bargaining power with men for long-term relationships and marriage is the prospect of children. Women are clearly so Wonderful that men should want a lifelong commitment with them even without such a prospect. He’s TA if he wants biochildren when he can just adopt or enjoy the privilege of being with her without children in the picture (ugh, stupid men and mUh lEgAcY). Women also don’t like reminders that having their FUN and FREEDOM when they’re young before settling down after they’ve Had Their Fun can have opportunity costs—or that their desirability in general goes down with age, such as illustrated by the infamous OKCupid graph or the Bruch-Newman paper.
This is just as common from the female side of the dating market. If you go places where women talk about dating the guy who dates too long without proposing who won't commit to marriage or kids and wasting her fertility and leaving her with little time to find a husband. I really don't think there's significantly more young men then women who want to marry youngish and have kids. In fact I'd guess that surveys would show that more young men would like to sow their oats compared to young women as in general young men prefer casual sex much more than young women. Regardless given in todays dating market many people don't want marriage or kids these are important compatibility issues that need to be figured out early. Also serious people are much easier to find off the apps. Regardless though this is a caricatured, women overall like children, it's not hard to find women who want commitment and kids.
Steven Shaw has a really good metaphor to explain why a late average marriage age reduces marriage (and therefore fertility) so much. He calls it the Vitality Curve.
Imagine a dancehall that has a dance on Friday night that all the town's young people go to. The dance starts at 8 and ends at 10, so everyone turns up on time, couples up and dances for a couple of hours, then they go home together as couples.
Now imagine the owner extends the times from 6 to midnight. Now, there are the same number of young people, but some will arrive earlier and some will arrive later. The potential couplings that would have happened don't happen, because Mr/Miss Right was there at the wrong time.
In the first case, the average age of first marriage is around 20, in the latter it's around 30. The problem is that two young people who may be suited to eachother don't marry because they meet at the wrong time. Maybe she wants to do another degree, maybe he'd rather focus on his career. Or yes, perhaps he wants to womanise and she wants to party. In either case, because the marriageable period is about 15 years long, there's no Schelling Point, and we get a coordination problem. The marriage-minded young men and women are finding it hard to meet eachother in the sea of 'I'm not looking for something serious' and 'I bet there's a better guy on the apps'.
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