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PaperclipPerfector  2d ago (text post)   1289 thread views

Friday Fun Thread for May 8, 2026

Be advised: this thread is not for serious in-depth discussion of weighty topics (we have a link for that), this thread is not for anything Culture War related. This thread is for Fun. You got jokes? Share 'em. You got silly questions? Ask 'em.

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Thanks for taking the time to explain! I can't productively engage with the specifics, but I appreciate the effort nonetheless.

We do not view coffee as a biohazard. I myself love drinking mock coffee made from barley and chicory and popping some caffeine pills, twice as potent as real coffee 😉 Tiramisu and coffee ice cream are superlative. We believe that upon our baptism, we have covenanted with God to abstain from coffee and tea as a sacrifice, similar to the Jewish abstention to shellfish which is not rooted in health grounds. I don't think it's a coincidence that tea, coffee, alcohol, and tobacco are all "rituals" served by hosts to guests in hospitality, transcending cultural barriers. There are obvious benefits to not partaking in substances like alcohol, but by refusing them and making ourselves stick out like sore thumbs in the crowd, it's a way of subliminally attracting publicity to our gospel.

Hmm. I understand the mindset, but it doesn't really appeal to me. Or at least I like tea and coffee too much to sacrifice it for anyone, even God. If he didn't want me to drink the stuff, he shouldn't have made extracted insecticide so delicious and compatible with my neurotransmitter receptors. Then again, he does have a tendency to make plants you're not supposed to eat, and then putting them right next to you with not so much as a chainlink fence for protection. It's in character.

I do believe that your current explanation is idiosyncratic, in the sense that the typical Mormon wouldn't see caffeine pills as an acceptable way of dodging their nominal religious obligations. I respect you for that, of course. Very Jewish coded, and I like Jews. Anyone who bases their theology around arguing with God and sometimes winning that argument (Rabbi Eliezer?) has my vote.

Out of curiosity, what would happen if someone were to get baptized, and then very conspicuously continue drinking coffee? Polite tutting? The Bishop grabbing you by the collar and throwing you out? A Dyson hand dryer (as opposed to the swarm) being used to un-baptize you? I don't know! It's an academic question, I like drugs in general, for personal consumption and as a peddler for pay. I don't know any Mormon doctors, but I wouldn't want to be one on a night shift.

I do believe that your current explanation is idiosyncratic, in the sense that the typical Mormon wouldn't see caffeine pills as an acceptable way of dodging their nominal religious obligations.

The Mormon prohibition of tea and coffee is much more akin to the prohibition of Jews eating pork than a prohibition of caffeine. There is official clarification from the church that the prohibition is about hot drinks not caffeine. This was done precisely because of the reasons you state. But it's totally kosher for Mormon teens to drink monster.

Out of curiosity, what would happen if someone were to get baptized, and then very conspicuously continue drinking coffee? Polite tutting?

Giving you the side eye plus not getting a temple recommend which would likely distress your buxom Mormon bride. Ironically if you weren't baptized but attended church people would tolerate it a lot better. As for Mormon doctors they are free to consume all manner of energy drinks, just no tea or coffee,

Mormon prohibition of tea and coffee

Reading around apparently it comes from the Mormon Words Of Wisdom "hot drinks are not for the body or belly", which gets interpreted as tea and coffee. But drinking hot herbal tea is okay, and hot chocolate is okay, and caffeine in non-coffee drinks is okay, but cold tea and coffee aren't, even though the original text doesn't mention tea, coffee or caffeine.

I couldn't find a clear answer whether you can drink cold decaffeinated coffee. Some say yes, some some say no.

I do believe that your current explanation is idiosyncratic, in the sense that the typical Mormon wouldn't see caffeine pills as an acceptable way of dodging their nominal religious obligations.

I know many LDS members, and quite a few live on energy drinks, full-sugar caffeinated sodas, or caffeine supplements of some kind. They strictly abide the "no coffee or tea" but are quite happy to get synthetic caffeine sources. The Word of Wisdom prohibits coffee and tea, not caffeine itself.

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