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Her father was not someone I particularly liked and her mother was like a big sister to me when I was younger but as she got older, she took to behaviors that I felt were too neglectful of her kids; and I didn’t like it. We grew more distant with time. With her kids though, we’ve been rock solid since they could speak. I never saw it as a woman’s job to undergo serious intellectual labor unless they wanted to choose that path; in which case I’d also have supported her full speed ahead. But that wasn’t the route she wanted. She wanted to be a mom. Make no mistake, she’s a very intelligent and capable girl, but, she was also like a lot of other girls her age. Bailing her out of one particular trying circumstance didn’t lead me to think she wasn’t getting an education, because I knew she was even if she wasn’t focused on it like the geek that I am. If she wasn’t family and was a stranger that lived across the street, our social circles likely never would’ve crossed paths with each other, but ours were always an integral part of the other because we’re family, I’ll sideline everything for my family. When one group calls on the other, you answer the call.
Really sucks for your friend’s cousin. She likely would’ve benefitted with positive male role models. That’s why I have negative attitudes of people who grow up with family but don’t seem to respect the institutions that sanctify it because they take it for granted. I would kill to have biological children of my own and when I see parents not active in their kids lives it’s depressing because they should be directly at the center of it, trying to uplift and support them.
You do everything for family. You support them no matter what. I agree with that. But when it comes to your support doing more harm than good in the long run, you stop. You don't enable them.
And that's what you're doing here. You're living vicariously through her and her family, but does she feel the same about you? You talk about her being like a younger sister, but that was the same with you and her mother: "she was like a big sister to me". That became more distant with time, so the same emotional investment wasn't there for her as for you, and it sounds the same with this younger cousin - she gets you to do the grunt work, she benefits by it, and you get to feel useful and appreciated since you don't have a family of your own.
Being family doesn’t mean we never have disagreements and arguments. Even her mother and I continue to support and help each other despite our differences. And to your other point, yes; both of them have also gone out of their way to support me in huge ways. I categorically reject supporting people engaging in highly self-destructive habits.
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For my friend's cousin, I tried to point out to her what a mess of her life she was making by working at the strip club. Initially she was just a cashier/hostess but she was obviously being groomed to be a stripper. I wasn't successful in pointing this out though, and I was also not willing to take on the big brother or dad role she obviously needed. I had my own issues to fix at the time.
Some problems are not yours to solve. All you can do is lay out the facts before them. Whether they walk through the door or not is up to them. I’ve been in the same boat with people before. I don't like lecturing and condescending down to people but there have been times where I’ve had to take a real hard line with someone.
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