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FtttG  Gheobhaidh mé bás ar an gcnoc seo.  9hr ago (docs.google.com)   Edited 7hr ago   607 thread views

The Motte infidelity survey

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In yesterday's small-scale questions thread, @cjet79 asks why the song "Mr. Brightside" by The Killers has had such staying power, famously staying in the UK singles charts decades after its initial release. Some explanations (including my own) point to its compositional elements; others focus on its lyrics and subject matter. @100ProofTollBooth argues that it's a very universal and relatable song, as "The experience of infidelity (to some degree) is common to many (most? idk) people."

I'm curious if this is really the case, so I decided to go Aella mode and created a simple survey to find out about people's experiences with infidelity. It consists of a few demographic questions (age, sex, sexual orientation, relationship style), then asks you if you've ever had an unfaithful partner, then asks you if you've ever been unfaithful to a partner.

Completely anonymous, and I've set it up so the form doesn't collect email addresses if you're logged in.

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My answers are not likely to be useful and my concerns about most of the questions probably don't generalize...

(eg, what does "without your knowledge or consent" mean in an open relationship, where I might well consent to broad ground rules without needing or wanting to know about every ERP partner? I put that down as "no" under the spirit of 'infidelity', but by the strict text? On the other hand, most social conservatives would see the actual open-relationships as infidelity with more steps... or hot, given the natal sex of the partners involved.)

That said, "What kinds of romantic relationships have you had?" could probably use a 'mix of above' answer before Other. I would be genuinely surprised if there were as many people who'd only had poly relationships as who have had a mix of poly and mono ones.

((I don't think jealousy is strictly universal, but its absence is closer to a form of damage than a strength; even in poly relationships, people like the underlying relationship claim that it represents. The extent cuckolding as a kink tends to be a marmite -- normal people either absolutely hate it or really like it -- suggests at least the fear of infidelity is extremely common.))

((I don't think jealousy is strictly universal, but its absence is closer to a form of damage than a strength; even in poly relationships, people like the underlying relationship claim that it represents. The extent cuckolding as a kink tends to be a marmite -- normal people either absolutely hate it or really like it -- suggests at least the fear of infidelity is extremely common.))

The great myth of polyamory (broadly defined) is that it is the lack of jealousy, rather than the negotiation of jealousy against other goods and utilities.

That said, "What kinds of romantic relationships have you had?" could probably use a 'mix of above' answer

I considered it, but I thought having like nine or ten possible answers ("mostly mono but sometimes poly", "mostly poly but sometimes mono" etc.) would be too granular for an introductory demographic question, especially as I'm fairly sure the majority of respondents are going to answer "monogamous". So far the latter prediction has proved correct.

(eg, what does "without your knowledge or consent" mean in an open relationship, where I might well consent to broad ground rules without needing or wanting to know about every ERP partner?

I thought of that, which is why I included this subtitle below every question:

If you were in a polyamorous or open relationship, you can include instances in which your romantic partner had penetrative sex with someone in specific contravention of your "ground rules" (e.g. no sleeping with close friends or family members). Please provide details under "Other".

If you're in an open relationship with ground rules like "don't have sex with my friends or family members", then I wouldn't say you've been cheated on unless your partner had sex with one of your friends or family members.

Ah. I'd read that more as modifying "consent", rather than modifying "consent or knowledge", but that's probably an artifact of how poly people treat it and may not be an issue for the overwhelming majority of respondents here.

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