The other day I invited you all to complete a survey regarding your experiences of infidelity. As I mentioned in the post, one of the fine people over at rDrama linked to the survey and invited his fellow users to populate it with troll data. As a precaution I closed the form and intended to delete any responses submitted after the rDrama post was made. However, after a cursory inspection of the responses, I only found one submitted after this time which was an obvious troll response (the person gave their preferred relationship style as "Warlord"), which suggests that not many rDrama users bothered to complete the survey. My apologies to those of you who would have filled out the survey had I not closed it prematurely.
Demographics
(All percentages are rounded to the nearest whole number.)
Excluding the single troll response mentioned above, I received 172 responses.
- 159 respondents (92%) gave their natal sex as male, while 13 (8%) gave it as female.
- More than 80% of respondents listed their age as between 25-44 (46% as 25-34, 36% as 35-44). 22 respondents gave their age as between 45-54. 3 gave their age as <18 – mind the cussin' fellas, there's children present!
- 83% gave their sexual orientation as heterosexual, 12% as bisexual and 3% as homosexual. In the "other" field, exactly 2 users listed their sexual orientation as asexual, one of whom complained "quite frankly im offended the option isn't there": given that only 1% of respondents reported their sexuality as such, I think my reasoning for not listing it as a default choice is abundantly clear.
- 89% of respondents listed their preferred relationship style as monogamous, 5% as open relationship and 4% as polygamous. One respondent described their preferred relationship style as "I'm monogamous, but have no preference if partners are mono or poly", which sounds like polygamy with extra steps, but what do I know.
- 157 (91%) of respondents reported having been in at least one romantic relationship.
- Of these, 137 (87%) of respondents have only been in monogamous relationships. 18 (11%) have been in a mix of monogamous, polygamous and open relationships. 4 (3%) have only been in open or polygamous relationships.
According to this survey, the modal Motte user is a 35-year-old heterosexual male who has only been in monogamous relationships and likes it that way.
Sex differences
As noted above, the number of female respondents was very low (there were more bisexual male respondents than female respondents of any type), meaning the data is bound to be noisier, but for completeness's sake I thought I'd highlight ways that the female respondents differ from the group and build a profile of the modal female Motte user.
- Female respondents skewed younger, with an average age of 32.
- Every female respondent reported having been in at least one romantic relationship – not one femcel to be found!
- There was an almost perfectly even split between heterosexual and bisexual females (but no lesbians, curiously).
- Similarly, female respondents were much more likely than average to describe their preferred relationship style as polygamous, with a whopping 31% describing their preferred relationship style as such. They were also slightly less likely to have only been in monogamous relationships, with 77% reporting having only been in monogamous relationships (including one respondent who described her preferred relationship style as polygamous, curiously).
On the whole, the modal female Motte user doesn't differ that dramatically from the modal Motte user: she's a 32-year-old heterosexual female who has only been in monogamous relationships and likes it that way.
Infidelity (on the receiving end)
On to the juicy stuff. Of respondents who have been in at least one romantic relationship, 69 (44%) report at least one unfaithful partner. The most common type of infidelity was non-penetrative sexual contact (kissing, groping etc.), reported by 37% of respondents. The next-most common type was penetrative sex (27%). Almost as many (26%) reported a partner who had an "emotional affair" or "affair of the heart" (i.e. romantic infidelity without any corresponding sexual infidelity). Only 20% reporting a partner who had cybersex (phone sex, sharing intimate photos etc.) with another person.
A significant number of respondents report repeated infidelity: of the 69 respondents, 30 (44%) report multiple acts of infidelity. (Given answers to other questions, the impression I get is that most such respondents had a single partner who was repeatedly unfaithful, rather than multiple unfaithful partners.)
Holy matrimony seems to offer a significant protection against infidelity: of the 69 respondents who report at least one unfaithful partner, only 13 (17%) report having been cheated on by a spouse.
Demographic observations
- Female respondents were more likely than average (54%) to report at least one unfaithful partner. Among female respondents, the unfaithful partner was equally likely (46%) to have had cybersex with someone else as to have had non-penetrative sexual contact.
- Only one female respondent reported having been cheated on by a female partner.
- By far the most common age at which partners cheated was between the ages of 18-24: of the 73 reported unfaithful partners, 37 of them (51%) were in this age bracket.
- There is an interesting sex difference to be observed here. Just looking at unfaithful female partners, 54% fell into the 18-24 age bracket, falling off to 22% for the 25-34 bracket, 5% for the 35-44 bracket and 2% for the 45-54 bracket. For unfaithful males, however, the picture is quite different: although males are most likely to cheat between the ages of 18-24 (30% of male partners were unfaithful in this bracket), a male aged 25-34 is just as likely to cheat as one aged 35-44 as one aged 45-54. This finding can be interpreted in a variety of ways, but suggests that a partner's propensity to be unfaithful is heavily determined by their sexual desirability (qua Chris Rock, "men are as faithful as their options" – and he would know). As I've noted before, women's desirability to the opposite sex peaks at 20 and declines steeply thereafter, while men's increases from 20 onwards and peaks at 50. There are, of course, other interpretations: perhaps women's sex drives peak between the ages of 18-24 and decline steeply thereafter, maybe their likelihood to be unfaithful at this age is a function of their emotional immaturity. I'm sure people in the comments will propose alternative explanations.
- LGBT people (62% of bisexuals and 67% of gay men*) were more likely than heterosexuals (41%) to report at least one unfaithful partner. Four male respondents report having been cheated on by a male partner. I regret failing to ask about the unfaithful partners' sexuality, to see if this finding bears out the old joke that dating a bisexual entails being twice as paranoid.
- Far and away the biggest thing that jumps out at me is the difference between monogamous respondents vs. poly/open relationship enjoyers. Among people whose preferred relationship style is monogamous and who have been in at least one romantic relationship, 40% report at least one unfaithful partner. But of the 18 respondents whose preferred relationship style is something other than monogamous, 14 of them (78%) report at least one unfaithful partner, nearly double the rate for monogamous respondents. Here I will quote directly from Gemini's analysis of the data: "There is a notable correlation between preferred relationship styles and the reporting of unfaithful behavior... [which] suggests that even in non-traditional structures, boundaries regarding 'knowledge and consent' are frequently crossed."
- However: of the 14 respondents mentioned above, 12 of them (86%) state that they were in monogamous relationships with their partners at the time the partner was unfaithful.
Infidelity (on the committing end)
Now we find out how many of you are dirty, dirty dogs.
Among the 157 respondents who have been in at least one romantic relationship, 53 (34%) report being unfaithful to at least one of their partners. As with those respondents who have been cheated on, the most common type of infidelity respondents reported committing was non-penetrative sexual contact (31%), followed by penetrative sex (22%), cybersex (19%) and emotional affairs (18%).
The majority of unfaithful respondents are repeat offenders: of the 53 who report unfaithfulness, 33 (62%) have been unfaithful more than once.
As with respondents who have been cheated on, marriage seems to offer some protection: of the 53 unfaithful respondents, only 11 (21%) report having been unfaithful to a spouse.
Demographic observations
- Female respondents were more likely than average (62%) to report having been unfaithful to at least one partner, compared to 31% of male respondents who have been in at least one romantic relationship.
- Of the 8 female respondents who report being unfaithful to at least one partner, 2 were unfaithful to a female partner while 6 were unfaithful to a male partner. By contrast, only one male respondent reported being unfaithful to a male partner, with the remainder (44 male respondents) being unfaithful to female partners.
- Curiously, the age pattern among unfaithful respondents is radically different from those who report having been cheated on. The most common age at which respondents reported being unfaithful was the 25-34 bracket, with 21 respondents (38%) of respondents reporting unfaithfulness at this age. This was also the age bracket male respondents were most likely to cheat, whereas for female respondents it was <18 (4 respondents) followed by 25-34 (3 respondents). One female respondent answered this question with the response "Don’t like the word 'unfaithful' but I have never not been so in a relationship". Your guess is as good as mine as to what that's supposed to mean.
- Of the 24 respondents who listed their sexuality as bisexual or homosexual and who have been in at least one romantic relationship, 15 (63%) report being unfaithful at least once. This was more than double the equivalent rate for heterosexual respondents (30%). Dating a bisexual means being twice as paranoid, confirmed.
- Of the 18 respondents who have been in at least one romantic relationship and who listed their preferred relationship style as something other than monogamous, 12 (67%) report being unfaithful at least once. Once again, however, only two of these individuals report having been unfaithful in a polyamorous relationship, with 8 being in monogamous relationships at the time, 1 describing his relationship to his cuckqueaned partner as "it's complicated" (c'mon bro, this isn't Facebook) and the last giving an obnoxious troll answer I probably should have omitted entirely.
The "revenge" hypothesis
Of the 157 respondents who have been in at least one romantic relationship, 34 (22%) have both committed infidelity at least once and had a partner cheat on them. Among female respondents, just under half have both cheated and been cheated on. Among male respondents who have been in at least one romantic relationship, 28 (19%) have both cheated and been cheated on.
Of respondents who have both cheated and cheated upon, the majority (79%) report that, at the time they were unfaithful, they were in the same age bracket or older compared to the partner who was unfaithful to them. Only 15% report being younger at the time they cheated compared to the partner who was unfaithful to them, with the remaining 2 respondents giving ambiguous answers. Assuming that people tend to date within their age brackets, one hypothesis for this finding might be that, after getting cheated on, some respondents seek revenge for this slight against their character: either directly cheating on the partner who cheated on them, or cheating on their subsequent partner.
Recommendations for those seeking to avoid getting cheated on
The single demographic most likely to be unfaithful to their partner is young bisexual women who are interested in polyamory. But I very much doubt you needed me to tell you that.
In infidelity, rehabilative justice seems about as effective as it does anywhere else. As mentioned above, 62% of unfaithful respondents were unfaithful more than once. Among respondents whose partners were unfaithful to them, 44% were unfaithful more than once. A simple average of these two metrics indicates that 53% of unfaithful partners are repeat offenders. If your partner is unfaithful to you once, the odds are slightly better than chance that they will be unfaithful to you again. My recommendation is to cut your losses.
Housekeeping
Anyone looking to see the raw data, DM me.
Ross from "Friends"
One respondent responded to the question regarding non-penetrative sexual contact with the answer "We were on a break".
*Bear in mind that only three respondents listed their sexuality as homosexual, all of whom were male.
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Notes -
I'm surprised how common cheating is. It's not something I hear about happening to or being done by people I know very often. Maybe people don't like to talk about it.
Definitely a big selection effect on both ends: it's humiliating to have been cheated on, and shameful to have cheated. I've never cheated in a serious adult relationship, nor (to the best of my knowledge) been cheated on in one. After racking my brains trying to think of people I know who've been through this, I came up with a few examples:
A few years ago, I dated a woman for a couple of months. After initially giving vague explanations for how her previous relationship ended, she eventually confided in me that she'd moved in with her boyfriend of four years, only to wake up one morning to find him lying next to her having phone sex with another woman. This turned out to be the tip of the iceberg, and he'd essentially been unfaithful to her with various women for the entirety of the relationship. She admitted that, in retrospect, she ought to have trusted her gut.
Several years ago, my cousin got cheated on by his girlfriend at the time, although I don't know any details beyond that.
It seems it runs in the family: a couple of years ago, his mother (my aunt) discovered that her husband was having an "emotional affair" with another woman, whom he left her for. Sadly, this is my aunt's second divorce – she sure can pick em.
A few years ago I had a friend who was an immigrant. He invited me on his stag party to a foreign country (not his home country) along with some friends from his home country, none of whom I'd ever met before. One of these friends was married, and he had sex with another woman during the stag. Admittedly, I know essentially nothing about this man: for all I know he has some kind of "arrangement" with his wife.
About ten years ago I had sex with a woman who was working as an au pair, and whom I knew had a boyfriend in her home country. I know the fault isn't strictly with me, and I was far from the only person with whom she was unfaithful to him, though I'm still not proud of it. Do unto others and all that.
I believe my uncle once mentioned having been unfaithful to an ex-boyfriend, although I can't remember the details (and, frankly, I get the impression these sorts of things are taken much less seriously in the gay community compared to the straight).
I had a friend (who I'll call James) who was engaged to a woman (who I'll call Roberta). A significant period of time into their engagement (at least a year), I met up with James and he confided in me that he and Roberta had decided to open up their erstwhile exclusive monogamous relationship, at her suggestion. I asked him how he felt about this, and he said he was fine with it. I met him again less than a month later and he told me they'd called off the engagement. This is a marginal example: Roberta did ask him for permission before fucking someone else. It seems like an excellent example of what @cjet79 was talking about, that infidelity is the coward's way of initiating a breakup.
A colleague of mine told me that his first marriage collapsed very shortly after it began when he discovered his wife had been unfaithful to him with multiple men. It was more than twenty years ago, and yet I can tell he's still bitter about it. I don't blame him.
I had a close female friend who was in a relationship with a friend of my girlfriend at the time. But while she was never physically intimate with him, she had sex with multiple men behind his back. In retrospect the entire "relationship" was a bit of a joke.
My sister was in a lengthy relationship with a man who left her for another woman, although I don't know if he was unfaithful to her before the relationship ended.
A friend of mine has been in a relationship for many years, and one of his girlfriend's friends is a girl I knew from college. That girl's boyfriend has been unfaithful to her at least once, but she forgave him.
My fiancée has a close female friend who is bi. She is still legally wed to a wife who, several years ago, was unfaithful to her with another woman.
A few years ago, I dated a woman for about six weeks. She told me two-thirds of her ex-boyfriends had been unfaithful to her.
I'm sure there are others I've forgotten.
There must be at least two hundred people I've known in my life that I could plausibly imagine them confiding in me that they'd cheated or been cheated on. I can't imagine the combined rate of infidelity (cheating and being cheated on) is a mere 6.5%. I suspect some people aren't being entirely forthcoming.
You’d be surprised how easy self-justification is for a lot of people. There are people out there that seriously think if they can compartmentalize two different things, therefore that means one has no impact on the other, without a single trace of irony. It takes a special kind of idiot to believe something like that. But they’re truly some of the funniest and most interesting people to be around on occasion because you never know what kind of dumb shit they’re going to say next. “If he or she doesn’t know about it, it didn’t happen.” Trust is the most fundamental cornerstone of every healthy and principled relationship. The opposite of trust isn’t deception (or even distrust), it’s suspicion.
Anything that gives way to suspicion erodes trust. So what gives way to suspicion? Past history and activities. What is the collection of your past history and activities? Your reputation. There comes point where mistrust of your partner becomes so pervasive, the default rule in any interaction with them is to assume they’re lying or being deceptive. It’s not about catching them doing anything wrong at that point; it’s about attributing wrongdoing automatically, wherever there’s a question mark. You’re guilty until proven otherwise. You simply have to. It’s the only way to get by living with them. Assume the worst with them at every turn. They’re on their phone? They’re screwing around. They’ve left the front door of the house? They’re up to no good. You assume it. And that assumption completely and fully halts any attempt at fostering good relations with them.
The only way you can generally rebuild trust in any way that hopes to be effective is to be willing to atone for your mistakes and the endure pain and consequences of it, because pain equals proof. If you do something wrong and you pay a price for it, that’s something of a level of sincerity or commitment that you can’t fake. It’s why verbal apologies often don’t work. They’re unconvincing because the instigator isn’t actively suffering for their mistake. There’s no cost to it. How do you know they aren’t lying? You can’t know. So you assume they’re lying about that too. A person that tries to get out of having to do that or convince you otherwise, immediately conjures up every red flag imaginable, because what’s the problem? You say there’s no wrongdoing or you’re sorry. Alright. Prove it. If they hesitate, if they show reluctant emotion or just outright refuse, that tells you everything you need to know (they’re lying to you). Often times you’ll find they’ll complain about your request being unreasonable, but whose fault is that? You’re the one that put yourself in this position. If you didn’t want to be there, you shouldn’t have done it. If you even remotely deal closely with that kind of behavior or people that cause other to be suspicious of you, then you’re guilty by association. I want to see exactly what you’re going to say to this person’s face in front of everybody; not to me.
The tells for the kind of people who engage in that behavior are usually there. They’re very averse to accountability; it’s a very foreign concept to them. They do things out of prudence, not morality. They tend to be vain and have narcissistic tendencies. They all tend to follow the same patterns of behavior, it’s like this repeating psychological script I’ve seen over and over and over again. Every single one of them thinks they’re clever at hiding it and they’re not; the tells are always the same.
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